That was rather dramatic, wasn't it? Well, I got your attention. What am I speaking of? Paynight is a comin', o' lawdy pay night is a comin'. Or morning,.. to me it's late night. It's either due in my check account in 1 hour, or 4, depending what time it was sent to my bank, and what time they sent it to me. Thor help me. I have been without a cigarette now for 5 days and nights.

I'm not just highly addicted to cigarettes you see, they do a lot for me. See, even when I'm on the most ideal meds, amount of meds, and even if I were going to therapy of some sort (which wouldn't work due to my attitude, and my depression) no meds out there quite cut it. I need a little something extra and always have done. There have been studies --and I even saw a pie chart once-- of how nicotine has antidepressant, anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety properties as well as mood-stabilizer effects, the mood-stabilization makes sense to me in that heroin will chill you out as well! The pie chart showed to which percentage of each, you get it...

I used drugs for a brief period in my life. 1 1/2 years. In the end I was snorting meth and I felt godly. You know, most of the poisons which help me - cigarettes, coffee, energy drinks et al increase dopamine. I think they're doing for me, in part, what the meth did.

I also enjoyed alcohol for a great while in my life, and still do, but only on occasion. At one stage in my life was downing nearly a 5th of Scotch a day--it went down to heavy drinking once a week on the weekend after 3 years. These days, most often I'm disinclined as I have horrible mood swings for 3 goddamn days afterwards, additionally I feel unreal, paranoid etc... sometimes though, just sometimes I go ahead and drink heavily know the consequences, I view it as a super-hangover, or hangover on steroids. Sometimes it's still worth it to get rid of an especially bad day, or week. On to my point ... alcohol acts something like an MAOI I believe, increasing and messing with every single one of your neurotransmitters.

Anyway, one of my main DX's is Bipolar II but I believe what's really going on is I have EDD with pronounced BPD aspects. I don't really believe in the Bipolar II DX fullstop, I believe it's a lump-sum DX for all sorts of ED, and in my case ED with BPD aspects. Look at all of these people on here and elsewhere who get DX'd as Bipolar, then BPD, then EDD, then Bipolar II + BPD, back to solely Bipolar II. See what I'm sayin'? There's a lot to the puzzle psychiatry and neurology is currently missing.

None of this is as simple as people currently realize. BPD is an ED with specific traits, one can have ED without BPD traits. To be honest sometimes I don't know where I sit. Am I higher on the ED and lower on the classic BPD symptoms, or the other way around? I think it's at least an even balance.

Moving along,.. I think what would help me more than anything is if I were 100-200 odd years in the future and I could get regulatory implants in my brain to correct the malfunctions. That's how strongly I believe it's largely organic, and to how strong an extent. Sure, my childhood sucked and I suffered abuse, and then endured a sh-te life, but still. For some reason, I am helped best when aided on an organic level.

Maybe nothing quite so invasive as chips in my brain. In the Star Trek: First Contact book, which had a lot of details the movie left out, Zepherin Cochran was Bipolar I and had an implant in his brain that slowly released medication for it. After WW3, he found it impossible to find anywhere that could fill it so he turned to heavy drinking to deal with the ups and downs. For those of you who don't know Star Trek who may be reading this, he's the genius who invented warp drive, allowing humans to travel the galaxy.

See, maybe what I could do with is a cocktail of that sort of thing. Bipolar I concentrate for implants would be pretty straight forward; for those of us with BPD with a bunch of comorbid crap it would be trickier. They'd...

[ Continued ]

I'm kind of a big deal. People know me.

I have many leather bound books,.. and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

It's pretty much a granted that everyone in this world does what they can; survival is our primary instinct. If people aren't doing enough for themselves somehow, then either something is wrong and beyond the power of the individual, or something in society is broken. People never get what they deserve, but society always does; humanity has forever suffered from the ignorance of humanity.

Just want to be myself again; that's all I'm asking for. No more, no less. I was that only several months ago...

Things weren't perfect, but I felt like me and I was stable enough. I really feel that I'm asking for something very reasonable.

Yesterday was better, I actually managed to get out of my dissociative state; I manged to do some enjoyable things. The emotional high I was experiencing from my respite caused me to stay up pretty late just to enjoy being free and feeling at least slightly content for a while -- in case I slipped back into my frozen state the next day. I haven't, despite the fact that I did momentarily after I'd just put something on the stove to cook. I zoned out, feel asleep, and woke up an hour or two later to my flat filled with white, acrid smoke. It was contained and nothing came of it other than a bit of a head ache, a lot of scrubbing, and some airing to do.

Despite this, I managed to get today on only two hours sleep and run all of my errands that were filling me with dread and helplessness. How would I ever get my stuff done when all I could do was lay on the sofa wrapped in blankets, watching the same movies over and over as the only thing I could do was try to tune out the world; I certainly wasn't functioning. I hadn't left the house at all in three days prior to today. I did it all in this rain as well; I had to do it all on foot as I've been too spaced to drive (I have been for a while,.. I don't feel safe driving). I'm not feeling sorry for myself there; rather, I'm quite proud of myself.

A lot of weight is off my mind as a couple of the errands and one of the bills was vital. I had to turn in something that will see to it that I get my disability pension, and make the first payment towards the cost of the carpet damage that my ex left me with (we didn't case it, cheap carpet, bits came up, and it was a mutual cost she stuck me with it only to spite me ... as is I'm not spited enough already).

I actually told the estate agent the entire story, including that of my disability and the nature of it. I decided in desperation to take a chance, and surprisingly she and the landlords were sympathetic. I manged to hammer out a very flexible and low fortnightly installment plan; that's why it was so important that I got the payment in on time as a show of good faith on my own part.

Yes, I got it all done and that's great. Still, if my ex had manned up rather than bitched up I could be using that money towards medication. I'm not in a position to take anything on-label, which would be dirt cheap as it would not only be covered by the health system for my DX's -- but my medical 'concession' card would work with them, so we're talking $5.00 for a months supply of high doses.

It's tricky; I can't take antipsychotics any longer as I nearly developed a neurological disorder from them in the past, I can't take an antidepressant without a moodstabilizer, and the moodstabilizers indicated for BPD --which are coincidentally the ones which work for me-- are all off-label. Nothing is on-label for BPD. I have access to lithium and Valproex and that's the end of it. I'd tried lithium in the past and had a bad reaction to it, so that was out. I did give the Valproex a try; use your imagination.

I actually manged to get my Lamictal but only due to a loan --which wont be happening again-- and I've had to break the pills in half and take 1/2 the dose I had been on, which I can no longer afford. It just isn't quite enough; it's only just holding me together. Yes, I'm obsessed with meds at the moment but it's as I don't have access to them and I require them. One is obsessed with food if they are starving.

All in all I feel I'm doing pretty good at the moment as I managed to fight off any impulsive and/or unwise spending decisions and I'm good until the end of the month. I haven't been able to give up smoking as hey, what else have I got? So, I've gotten myself used to rolling my own and that's affordable enough. I'd gladly trade these things for love; I don't even need friends, only someone to love and share my life with. I thought I had it, thought I was set.

I've been asked why I don't take a course or something. How that ###$ do I do that when...

[ Continued ]