So, I visited the Salvation Army earlier and I'm flat out of food; it wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be. I've made an appointment for later today to receive a "food voucher" which I can use at the local/regional supermarket. Hopefully, that wont be as embarrassing as I thought it would be. My uneventful, very casual and easy-going visit to the SA is putting my mind at ease. Most likely, the cashier wont give a damn and/or will deliberately not show any reaction. I'm used to how you get treated in the US when you're down and out; like a sub-human, like obviously you're in the position you're in as you don't work hard enough or are lazy. In any case, you're deserved of ridicule.

I am receiving a type of benefits for job-seeking along with rental assistance which simply goes into my savings account automatically each Thursday around 3am. It's generous -- don't get me wrong, I am grateful at how well this country has treated me. So much so that I consider my as Australian as I am American; an Amstralian I sometimes I refer to myself. It's largely the egalitarian + easy going culture that is the cause for me being treated well I believe.

Anyway, it alone is generous but in several weeks it will be graduated to disability. My social worker and my disability officer believe I'm not up to doing any kind of work at the moment and I'm inclined to agree with them; I'm having a hard enough time with school and I'm taking an online course (on-campus began to break me down .. long story). It's a pity, as I'd love to back to school on-campus; my mind felt happier and I was beginning to meet friends and there was always the possibility to meet a partner -- if only a casual one.

But anyway, yes, the food-voucher + disability which is substantially more money than I'm getting at the moment will ensure for the most part that I've got what I need. No more of this suffering toward the end of the week. I went though another end-of-the-month-oh-eff-I-could-have-budgeted-better moment which is soon to end with the voucher. The voucher is $30-$50,.. I'll get at least $30. I have until the 4th before I get paid so that would have been,.. unpleasant.

I'd been surviving these end-of-the-month-oh-eff-I-could-have-budgeted-better moments via some pretty resourceful means. For instance, the last time I got the idea to take multivitamins and drink coffee with craptons of sugar in it. I got some nutrition from the vitamins (no replacement for food, but stopped me from getting too weak or possibly damaged) and our course the coffee tea with a lot of sugar gave me energy so I wasn't too broken down and lethargic. That's all I had then, and all I have currently in the house. Coffee, tea, sugar and vitamins. Well actually, I've run out of tea and sugar and only have enough for one more pot of coffee.

Why don't I ask friends or family, you may ask? I have none here, and my mom and dad are done helping me--which is fine, whatev, it isn't like I'm proud of how I sometimes can't care for myself fantastically. Again, I'm not immature and the last thing my family has even done is spoil me or any of my siblings, I just know many other people's families would continue to come through if said situations were dire or critical--they'd examine the situation and at least give it thought. Honestly, ultimately it boils down to one single factor: my family is bitter about my mental illness and they have been from the start.

It's alright though; it kinda feels good not needing their help. My dad being well-off though and having been in a position to help me --his father helped him through his divorce, my grandpa even let him live with him temporarily-- on top of the other mistakes he has been has and will forever distorted our relationship. We were just starting to form... something... again, too. Damn shame.

That 5 days without food or meds (I was in withdrawal whilst starving) was not fun. Anyway... it's fine, I'm learning to survive with no one but myself--it's just, in doing so I'm learning to have a jaded heart as well. Hopefully, my wounds will heal when I'm through this all. On the bright side, it's all also teaching me to give much less of an eff about people and their reactions which is something those with BPD can certainly benefit from learning. They don't know me, my situation, what I've been through, so ###$ 'em.

My ultimate goal is to get a proper job in IT (which is 100% possible, and I will do it ... dammit) and find a new life-partner -- but this time I'll do it right, and I'll be in therapy I believe (I've become more open minded toward therapy).