I simply can't bring myself to type 'wanna' -- I can barely bring myself to do it even with the apostrophes.

Anyway, things are getting desperate financially. How the hell can I think about the positive ideas I've got to get out there and meet friends after this separation (she was my friend, she was supposed to be the only friend I needed ultimately) including 'special' ones during the times when I'm several days without food and having nothing for myself psychologically. That is, cigarettes, energy drink,.. I'm avoiding alcohol at this stage. I got back on my meds (at half the dose) only thanks to a loan from my mom.

I'm now wishing I'd spent that $100.00 on food and cigarettes. Here in Aus they wont even let you buy cigarettes online so you don't have the option of getting them cheaper via legitimate means.. messed up, huh? They've made it illegal for the online tobacco stores to ship here. I'm going to have to start rolling my own.

I'd quit the frickin things if it there were meds available that took care of my $#%^ to a significant enough degree but there only exist meds that make it bearable for me to leave the house and speak to people at all -- and write this fkn blog for that matter.

Anyway, on to my subject title: I want to sell one of the few nice possessions I own and at a dirt cheap price at that as I want the money fast, I'm not doing 'well' and I need to get my mind off it fast and the things that will help get my mind off it require money. No, not my watch, my phone. It's painful to even write that! It was a gift from my ex, too, so it has sentimental value. I'll try to find some way around doing it.

But about my positive ideas:

-Support groups mainly to meet people: I may go to a general depression or just a general, full-stop, group as in DBT groups I hear a rule is you can't date people in the group. I'm not exactly one to care about rules that don't fit me except apparently this rule has partly to do with the fact that a lot of the females in it have had sexual abuse; even my conscious has lines if you know what I'm sayin'. Group DBT ... all of the rules bug me. I don't like being told what to do.

-Getting back to school: I've finished 2 of 4 certificates but fell ill due to the separation crap. I hear that most people can keep going with things even their marriage or long-term relationship is breaking up, or a loved one dies, and I just can't imagine that. I take that back, I can imagine it, and damn them for having it when I do not but should.

Then of course after that, getting a good paying job (if I can)

Even the support groups is an advanced step for me. There are actually 2-3 smaller steps I plan to take before that but they aren't worth mentioning.

Anyway, if I sell that phone that's up to $350,.. $200 if I sell it at the throw away price I'm thinking off in my desperation -- thing is, by the time I get a call and buyer I'll have likely been out of food for a few days. I'm going to need to go to the Salvation Army... and that's embarrassing. Damn her, my ex, she promised me, we'd be together forever--told me fate brought us together and she'd stay with me no matter what. Then she leaves, why? As I'm abusing her or something? No. Because "We weren't getting along", and "I was holding her back",.. both of those reasons are related to my difficultly living a normal life out there; schooling, and especially working--just everything really,.. I have a problem making appointments on my own especially vital ones like getting my meds refilled. Not being able to wake up for doctors appointments is bad for me mentally and painful, not waking up and feeling unable to handle school thus not going sets me back in my studies until I fall impossibly behind,.. and not getting to work on time or some days not at all? I'd be lucky if an employer would put up with that for a few days before they fire me. I understand she parted with me for valid reasons, but when you compare the reasons to what she told me before she began to get "successful" they suddenly appear materialistic and shallow.

She did become my carer in a sense in that she handled a lot of important things--but she made that decision,.. and I cared for her in other ways.

She wasn't well when I met her and was poverty stricken as well. She'd just had a nervous breakdown etc etc. Now, she's miss special, a minor celeb with electronic music, a social circle, going to clubs, a decent job, and studying to become a clinical psychologist. She left me... in every sense. She did what I couldn't, that is recovered,.. then moved on while I was going to school to try to make her happy, to try to "make her happy and measure up to her standards", to not 'hold her back' but I was told "it wouldn't be fast enough.

We once had a simple life together as best friends+partners. We lied in bed watching TV and DVD's, play World of Warcraft as a team, talked for hours, went for coffees, walks on the beach. Simple things. We talked about all brands of intellectual topics as well. We/she was damaged, but bright. She was at a time so ideal for me, and I her. I actually appreciate(d) a woman with a lot of brains whereas apparently it threatened a lot of guys in London. I talked about brainy crap and she just ate it all up and loved it, it would bore most people.

We were like the couple in that movie inception, they got trapped in their own shared dream for 50 some odd years. I thought when I got with her "since she's as ill as me she will never get too much above me and wont expect much from me as I wont expect much from her, I just want her."

That was her attitude toward me as well--she just wanted me. She wanted someone, full-stop, and I was that someone. Aside from that we both wanted just enough to be just comfortable enough.

It turned out that she wasn't what even she thought she was: she was never actually, truly mentally ill nor disordered... Our IQ's and our 'class' are equal, our abilities are not. Her life reflects her in a way my life will never fully reflect me and that was not supposed to matter as "we had each other, no matter what happened."

They say two disordered people and especially two pwBPD is a recipe for disaster, but who else is going to have me? Who else will understand me? I feel I'll be forced to 'settle' in one way or another. And there's nothing wrong with me other than my inability difficultly to function. I know I'm attractive, smart, have a decent personality and what's more I'm very committed and completely faithful when it comes to relationships--but therein also lies a fault, I don't cheat on partner or turn on friends but I drain them instead. I also wouldn't like to view a woman that way, as someone I just settled for No human-being should be viewed that way, and it would be fair to her, she'd deserve someone who fully appreciated her.

I just need a damned cigarette. 4-5 days worth I'd settle for--it would do so much. My health? Let's just say my well-being isn't at the fore-front of my mind right now,.. immediate relief is, damn right it is, In an ideal world, throw in enough Scotch to see me through 2-3 nights of binge drinking. There's nothing I can do now anyway. Nothing but wait. It can't go on like this, something has to change--my life is being put on hold so often that it's sending me backward.

At least I'm on my meds, I suppose--but at great cost (in more than one definition). I knew the costs though... What could I do? I was both unstable AND dangerously depressed. Now I'm only slightly unstable and chronically depressed. Now that's what I call an improvement (fk me with a fork!!).

This entry is horrid really. Disordered, disorganized, confused, jumbled rant AND ramble all in one. I'd be surprised if anyone has read this far. I suppose it was mostly for me anyway. More like a stream of consciousness. One long effed up, disturbed sentence.