Okay, once again, not such a wonderful day. Although, I did have about one or two good days between the last and this post.

Anyway, I am more feeling confused right now.

Liking that girl from HS is still getting to me.

It seems like an impossible situation for getting rid of it. I can't go on twitter (the only social network that I really use because people post a lot of interesting stuff) because every time I go, I see her posting something, and it makes me feel bad.

So, I am not going on it, but the isolation just makes stuff worse.

I think the worst part is that it is the same time of the year as when everything was going down last year. I guess everyone has yearly cycles, and now that I am doing stuff that I was doing last year, it makes me feel terrible. It is like bad nostalgia.

Just today, it really killed me because I was going with my dad and stepmom in the car to his family thing, and it was so close to how it was when I first realized that maybe the whole thing was serious. It was roughly the same temperature, and I had just taken a shower and gone out to the car. I feel like maybe it was the same shirt I was wearing, even, but I don't know. It may have been a different one.

What my dad said was something like "Do you know [girl's full name]? We saw her mom working to day at the bank and she recognized our last name. She said that her daughter is pretty up on asking you to go to prom." When he said it, I didn't think too much of it, just that she was still kidding, but then I was listening to music and thinking about it and it kinda crossed my mind that maybe it was serious if she was talking to her mom about it like that.

I was listening to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdSfW8Z64iY
It was one of the first times I was hearing it, since it had just been put out, and I had just ripped it for the car ride. So, that song is permanently engrained with that memory, I guess.

It was a pretty intense bad-nostalgia. The worst part is that, looking back on it, if I would have just taken the chance, that still would have been a good time.

It kills me that I thought that I had a shot and I was too weak to take the chance. I think it was about 80% certain, but I wanted 99.99%. If I would have just had a spine, I could have prevented all of this and any potential harm I have done to her. If it was 80% certain that she really did like me, then it is 80% certain that I hurt her by turning her down. Ironically, I thought I was doing a great amount of harm reduction. I don't know how I know 80% likely to be positive, but failed to see that negative could result from not acting or turning down. I just thought "it is just me, she doesn't know what she is doing, she would regret it if I said yes and screwed everything up." But maybe I would have been a decent choice.

Anyway, changing the subject, I just watched requiem for a dream. As if I wasn't in a crazy enough mood, that movie is the most horrifying thing I have seen. The climax of the movie is... terrifying. I love the directing style. It was a very artistic movie, I feel like. The way the music and clips work together is very intense. I really loved the movie.

The final subject is a good one. I wanted to save the best for last so that I could go to bed on a high note. I made a 4.0 in my first semester! Hooray! A few days ago, I got the guts to check it, and I was so beyond happy. I was really worried about the calc and soci, and I was so relieved. It was like ten pounds lifted from my chest. It may kinda be bragging, but I don't care. I feel like I worked hard for the calc at least (that and got lucky without too many mistakes).

4.0!! That's fantastic!! Well done. I don't see talking about it as bragging, how else would we know? And you worked hard for it [there's more there of "making your own luck" than just "getting lucky," I suspect.]

I'm sorry to read about the bad nostalgia. I can totally understand the harm reduction [and risk avoidance.] And I hope that when something similar comes around again, you'll have an alternative way to look at it because of this experience. So some good comes out of it eventually.

Could you use an app or different web interface for Twitter? I use one so I can mute all the people I don't want to read because they post crap, but can't unfriend for social reasons.

Thanks.

I will have to look into the twitter interface. That's a good idea. I removed the app from my phone. I will have to find something that allows filtering.