I think she's awful. That's what I think about the actual person. I have no idea who she is. I mean, I know exactly who she is, but she doesn't at all resemble what I saw before. (Also, I don't know her.)

She's as base and awful as they come. There's no questioning that now. She's just a slutty drunk chick who'll do anything for attention. And for some unknown reason people think she's good and altruistic.

None of this matters. She isn't there. This is all going on in my head. It's projection. It seems like I'm the center of everything, but I'm obviously not. And that gets proven regularly, and every time it is it's emotionally crushing. If I could only get some clarity from them, but they won't budge. And neither can I. So we're left to deal with heaps of uncertainty and projection and all-around mental craziness. And the only thing you can do when faced with that type of clustermess is to go NC and try to wrestle back command of your mind.

But I don't know how to beat back this image that's in my subconscious. It's unceasing and I can't get directly at it to change it.

Why was this time so much worse? I spent like 4 hours last night enveloping myself in her past two months and today I feel like a complete train wreck. Couldn't sleep, head pounding with invalidating images of them together and her being a drunk slut. There's no solace in the others now either. They were asswipes when I tried to be decent. Remember that for next time: don't bother humoring fools; it only encourages them. Anyway, I really hope that this is just a 24-hour deep depression, because if it's not we've taken a massive step backwards.

I'm gonna go for a bike ride. Hopefully that clears the head a little. I felt like things were getting so much better and then I got full of myself and... well, pride before the fall. None of this matters. Regardless of what's delusional and what's real, none of it matters. They don't care. I'm not real. Anything that happened was just a dumb misunderstanding between two strangers and absolutely nothing more, certainly nothing to remember and define oneself by. Now I just have to figure out how to define myself.

I just wish someone would pat me on the head and say, "You're a good boy. You've done good. I know how your mind works and it makes things very, very difficult on you. But you did good." But instead they just take things from you when you're strong and chastise you when you're weak.

This is going to sound very strange, but when I read your blog, it resonates with me.

Your advice on the forums is very different from your blog. I am bipolar and very moody. When I am feeling down on myself, your blog really makes me question who i am in all my moodiness. I know when up and grandiose, I think things are about me. It is wrong for me to feel this way.

I had someone I cared, for and i think I deluded myself into thinking you were him.

I struggle with this too, 13cmk. Actually, that's a lot of what I'm writing about. I have ideas of reference. I think blog posts are about me, threads on this site, songs on the radio -- projection, projection, projection. It's a colossal pain in the ass. Please try not to take my blog posts too seriously. If the person you cared for is real and you've seen his face, then I assure you he isn't me and thus none of the angry things I say in my blog are applicable to you.