I don't know why I am still on this forum because I hate it so much.
But it is like love; you get addicted to it.
I mean, visiting this forum either makes me want to cry, hurt myself and never come out of bed, but sometimes (like now) it just makes me angry, really angry, furious. And while I do not like the fact that I can not do anything with it, sitting in front of my computer, I like to imagine hurting others. But I don't do it. So it's like the best of both worlds, since it feels relieving, but I do not go to jail for, for example, just imagine how I am killing someone.

In the past, when I was in such a mood, it would not take long before the tables turned and I became my own victim. However, I discovered how to skip that phase.
Now I just say to myself: "You have a wonderful life and you are spoiled, don't you dare to become angry at yourself because becoming angry is the precursor of self hate and self hate is the precursor of self pity and self pity is the precursor of depression and depression when there is nothing wrong with you is the precursor of misery because no one is going to get that and in the end you will be blamed for it and it is a vicious downward spiral"
And that voice is right - it learned from experience. It is the only person that is able to help me - myself.
Why can't I just stop feeling angry, then? Because I don't want to. Even if the whole world disapproves, I still have the right to be angry. So maybe thats why I like being furious without a reason, why it is such a great experience. I used to tell myself that I had no right to be angry, but now I finally convinced myself that I was wrong. I have the right to feel angry just like any other person.
So now I know I have that right I enjoy taking it to the limit. Just by experiencing the beautiful feeling of tense, heart that is beating faster, the lovely sensation of shifting between feeling cold and feeling hot. The skin that turns red, the body trembling.
And I do not have to make any excuses for it.
And I have the self control to keep myself from doing bad things.
It is like saying..###$ you all...I don't even care enough to hurt you even when I'm this angry