Trying to figure out if I have this or some other issue...

I'm not really sure where to start, but here goes. I posted elsewhere, and had a guy say that what I'm experiencing are hallucinations, but I don't really think so.

NOTE (PLEASE READ): There may triggers in this, and I really don't want to accidentally trigger someone. There's mentions of self-harm, not feeling real, and potentially some other things that may trigger you.

I've talked to myself/"heard" internal voices since I was 12. At least, that's when I realized that when I talked to myself, I was using "I" "you" "we" and so on, like two different people. All I can remember is that it made me stop walking and freak out, though for how long, I don't know. I should also point out here that these conversations are both aloud (I talk, one or more of them reply using my voice) and internal (they're sort of like thoughts, but they feel different). I'm fifteen now (one reason I doubt that this is it is because of my age; I don't want to be one of those self-diagnosed teens that don't -actually- have this.) and it's never stopped.


**SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING**


I've since "named" some of them, having heard of MPD (I've been wondering for years if I have this) and needing a way to keep track of who's who. There's "Tyler", who'll always go on about man-ing up and who will hit me (at least in the past year, I can't remember if he did or not before this past year) if I start to cry and I'm around people and need to keep it together. When I say "hit me", I mean it literally. It'll happen so fast that if I didn't know that Tyler does this, I wouldn't expect it. He literally takes control over me physically and will hit me.

**END WARNING**

There's Marlee, who'll comfort me if I get scared/anxious/sad/etc. He'll tell me just to focus on him and guide me through my day as best he can while trying to keep me calm. I also have this problem with mirrors (I used to at least, not so much any more).



****SELF HARM/EATING DISORDER TRIGGER WARNING****



I'd stare and stare and stare at myself, usually because one I refer to as Castiel or Clarence will keep me there and start filling my head with thoughts about cutting (which I got into last fall;I'm better now), making myself throw up(this has gone on for years. it's more about the feel of fingers at the back of my throat and my stomach being empty then losing weight, and I've stopped this as well), suicide, spreading blood across my body (as in, if I cut myself, spreading the resulting blood over my face, which he never had the chance to do) and all these other self-injurious thoughts. Marlee (or perhaps someone else, but whoever it is, he's similar to Marlee) would be the one to talk me out of standing there, and then guide me through getting ready for bed and making sure I didn't get caught up in staring again. I don't know if this is relevant or not, but something happen with my vision, and things would take on a more yellowish tint. It's hard to describe, but the same thing happens when I pick at my nails (bad habit, not self-harm) and I pull a hangnail off and it bleeds.


**END TRIGGER**


Anyway, the reasons I doubt these are hallucinations is because of the mental energy I can feel when they're present, and the fact that in certain situations, they have partial or complete control over my body. (One example that I think I should mention is that when I'm alone in the house, I'll stand in front of my parents full length mirror, and someone will come and give this big, grand speech about whatever dilemna I have. In this sort of situation, they'll talk and move freely, and I just sort of listen and watch my body in the mirror.) There's more of them besides the three I mentioned, but for the sake of keeping this from becoming too long, I'll leave it at this.

I should also add this; I'm almost certain that I'm transgender (female to male, 95% sure), that I'm unofficially diagnosed with Asperger's (a neuropsychologist said that I displayed the symptoms), that I've been reviewed for anti-depressants ( I was seeing a therapist, but told her none of this. They were immediately against telling her, and against the meds.), and that I have no history of physical or sexual abuse. That last thing is the reason I doubt this so much, along with the fact that I don't lose time or black out. (Although I do feel simultaneously real and not-real/surreal/non-real/like I don't exist at times, but not constantly and not always with them mentally present.)

So I know that no one can diagnose me over the internet, but is it possible that I have it? Does any of what I'm saying resonate with anyone? And also, I'll be seeing a therapist sometime within the next six months( a different one from before), and I'm curious as to how a therapist will react if I told her this and if she'll recommend medication or tell my parents. (They don't know. I've never told anyone this except anonymously through the internet to strangers.)

Anyway, I'm gonna end this now, before it gets too much longer.

I have more to say, but I'm on a time limit. Glad you're here, though. From what I read/skimmed (sorry, again, time limit), you sound like you belong here.

Right now all I can do is give you some threads you might identify with, and if enough stuff resonates with you, then you should definitely look into DDNOS/DID as a strong possibility for you.

First of all, this is a great resource site (still under construction, most of it has been reviewed by a pro, some of it has not yet), but it's being built by one of our members on here and it's a great information center: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96244.html

This one's about figuring out if you have DID/are the host (aka main person "out"): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97968.html

This is one Rain and I have been posting on, trying to help someone who was/is questioning whether or not they have DID/DDNOS. May be slightly triggering: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98598.html

This one deals with the timeline of becoming aware of your alters/that you had DID: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic94601-10.html?hilit=time%20line

This one deals with the differences in how people "switch" personalities (ie blacking out, staying aware but not in control, etc): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic93929.html

This one discusses different types of amnesia with DID/DDNOS: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic95922.html

This one discusses the fact that you don't have to have memory loss to have DID/DDNOS: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97504.html

This one deals with hearing your alters/voices in your head: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97632.html

This one talks a bit about sharing consciousness/control of the body: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96688.html

This post is a year old now I think, but it's kinda like an outline of our system and who's all in it (we've added a few alters to our awareness since this post, though. Up to 16 or 17 alters now I think): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic76544.html

This takes a look into a "typical" day for people with DDNOS/DID (like all the conversations in their head and stuff): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96635.html

This one deals with the discovery of an alter/becoming aware of an alter: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic95865.html

This is one of our rants, and might be slightly triggering, but it deals with confusion, not knowing who you are at the time, not knowing what you need but feeling like you need something, stuff like that: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98512.html

Sorry for all the reading, but I hope they help.

-KAT

I've read some of those links, and just got finished looking over all of them, and part of the reason I posted here in the first place is because I relate to alot of this stuff. I guess I'll just reply by going through each link/topic of the link.

For me being the host...I'm the one here, talking to other people, doing school work, etc. I'd say that I'm the "main" one. However, and I'm not sure if who exactly said this, but both me and at least one of them have said it (not sure if they were agreeing just to keep me calm/from knowing the "truth"/whatever), that "-insert birthname- is dead." Even I don't know if I meant it in a gender sort of way (that is, I no longer identify as a girl/my past self) or if what I'm guessing would be called "the original or core" actually existed/really is gone. At any rate, for all intents and purposes, I'm probably the host.

For amnesia/blacking out, it's mostly what I'd consider to be "co-consciousness". Mentally, I feel one of them there, and they'll,usually if we're alone, have at least some control over my body. Like facial expressions, or they might laugh if I say something out loud or mentally that they find ridiculous, murmuring things in response, and so on. I'm not sure if the simultaneously "real" and "not real" feelings I mentioned have anything to do with this. And people say I have bad memory, but that might really just be bad memory....and also, if I were blacking out, there'd be no way that I could know. I've asked them if they're alters and a bunch of other things, and they either agree with what I think so I'll stop asking, disappear mentally, or not reply but remain there. One even told me recently that "it's not my job to know".

As for the typical day thread, I can relate to that too. Random remarks from them, debates about how we're going to do what we need to do, and so on.

I can also relate a lot to one of the threads about becoming aware of alters. Alot of the times, that's how they come to me. If I'm angry enough that I just want to punch something and start showing it, one'll come and say, “That's enough;stop it”. Stuff like that.

Btw, thanks for replying.

Lots to process and lots of good links/advice already...so let me just post something small here and say that it sounds like you already have some good (co-consciousness) going on and so it sounds like some of what you need isn't so much a diagnosis as what to do....

Diagnosis are important because a good therapist will use that to guide their treatment plan so I'm not saying don't get one..just that it isn't a prerequisite to coming here.

I would begin with communication. My son is 16, he was 15 when diagnosed last April. 11 alters have been identified since then. The most helpful thing has been communication... just having some agreement on things that may seem 'basic' but have been helpful like a Safety contract. No one inside or while out - will hurt anyone inside or out - or damage property. All for one/one for all type of thing, understanding that anything one does affects the whole system and in some cases, whoever is using the body and does something - whoever the body is known as will have to answer for it, whether it is in school, community, at home... it's a very important but 'basic' step to take. Let's all agree on this one thing....

Some people use diaries or blogs to let others document what is going on with them in the case of amnesia, etc....

I hope this helps a little...I feel a little off today so I'm going to stop here but I hope you are able to come back and let us know how you're doing.

Thanks for the advice. I'll mention the idea about the contract to them, see if I can get them to agree. It's worth a shot at least.

I have a few questions about how things went down with your son, if it's alright. You can answer or not answer any of them. Were his alters coming out before or after starting therapy? How did you find out? (Did you know before or after he started?) I ask because I'm not really into the idea of my parents finding out, as they have enough on their plate. And also, if I told a therapist all this, would I get medication as a treatment or whatever recommended? Because I really don't want that, and neither do they. Just thinking about meds gets my heart racing....

As for how I'm doing, I'm actually pretty well. Better then usual. Thanks for the reply.

The information on this page (and links) have been SO INCREDIBLY HELPFUL. Thank you so much to all of you who have posted here. I'm quite thankful.

I have one question, though- does anyone have any days when things are silent? You knock on the door in your brain and no one answers?

I've heard from my one alter, Three, that willfully dissociating so much in high school made him feel "used". He doesn't like to answer when I call now, and sometimes it will just be totally silent in my head. Sometimes for long periods of time (it's happened periodically) I will just hear nothing or I can't dissociate at all. Usually, in the times this has happened, Three will come back and be more "person-like"- he's developed as a person quite a bit since I first realized his presence several years ago. Sometimes things will be silent for a long time, though, and then Three will (this happened just the other day) come out and present all of this information to me (or my fiance). It's somewhat unnerving to have my communication with him be so black and white sometimes.

It's not like that with my little, who bleeds in and out of my life fairly frequently, to the extent that I have to often re-assess whether I am me, her, or a mix of both. Three's thought process is very separate from mine, and it's easy to tell when we're co-conscious- but the child's can meld sometimes with mine, making it a lot more confusing. Sometimes I don't know that I've partly switched over to her until I hear myself talk and it's not my normal voice or inflection. Could it be because I spent a large period of time as her (during times of abuse) and so she's just...closer to me? Easily mixed? Whereas Three developed during a different time when he was not "out" for extended periods of time?

Does anyone else experience something similar? Some borders being overly defined and some being extremely fuzzy and often confusing?

Yes, I've had both of those things. There was one time things were silent for two or three days, completely silent, as opposed to at least one or two breif "visits". it scared the heck out of me, but they eventually came back.

And also, I often wonder if it's one of them or me that's here, which one of them I'll call "Jim" finds incredibly amusing.

Anyway, hope that answered your question:)

It does, though my periods of 'silence' in the past have lasted months (especially before I fully realized I had clear alters.)

*Potential Trigger warning for mention of abuse*

Three was always like this- coming and going as he pleased- so I was used to that. The child, though, after enduring many months of abuse from a bad man and being predominantly the personality who was "out", suddenly went quiet. She did so only after I moved to a safe place, and to be honest- I thought she'd disappeared. I was very in denial about having DID, and thought it was just a defense mechanism I no longer needed. During that spring, another personality (Anastasia) emerged and then also went dormant during a time when the bad man was on vacation (no longer a threat for one month)- leaving the child to deal with the brunt of the abuse, unfortunately, and leaving me with no one to erase bad memories of what was happening.

*Trigger warning over*

Anyways, they've always seemed to come and go. It is so unnerving when my mind is silent without them. Part of me wants to ask where they go? Why aren't they with me? Sometimes they come out at random or they come out when I least expect it- only to go back into their little room and stay dormant for a while again. I suppose I could attribute it to being in a healthy household with a loving partner who has done so much to help me heal- but it is so lonely. I would much rather have them in my head then ignore me. Sometimes time will pass and I wonder if they are there at all- and then I'll be surprised by Three taking over and presenting all this information he's gathered or the child / little taking over and needing play time and cartoons. It's just sometimes unpredictable and exhausting. I'd much rather them stay in contact with me- especially when I need it from them. But sometimes I feel like they're stubborn, and I have little say in the matter. :/

I'm not sure how much help this is, but with me, there's a couple of things that almost always bring mine around. For example, my parents bring out the harsher, more sarcastic ones usually.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF INJURY


Holding a blade to my wrist, whether I intend to cut or not, is 99% guaranteed to bring Marlee out. That is, even if I'm doing it to get him here, he'll still come around usually.

END WARNING

So I guess if there's things like that for you, you could try that...but it's also good that they aren't -needed- out to deal with stuff.

Ah, yeah. My parents were one of the causes of my first alter to develop. Luckily, I don't live at home anymore so that helps ease the chaos (I didn't have a lot of control over my main alter back then, as he was still developing and I was too crazy to really know what was going on.)

I'd like nicer and less forceful ways to make them talk, though. I've tried meditating and that helps sometimes. I occasionally smoke marijuana to allow for my little to come out in a comfortable setting (don't judge, please. It's the only way I have taught her to be less fearful of the world around us.) It allows for an easy transition to her, and I will let her happily draw and color in a safe environment. Generally, I don't have a problem connecting with her, though. Sometimes I feel like we are co-conscious a lot of the time- I hear her often. haha.

I suppose my problem is mostly with being kept in the dark by Three. I just wish he came around more often, or talked with me more. I can't force him out because he'll get mad, refuse to come out, or completely ignore me. He's usually just a great source of information and help, and I wish we conversed more. (I'm having relationship issues with my alters...haha!) I hope at some point I'll figure out how to be more in tune with him. Might just need to figure out what it takes to make him feel less used/forced. :p

I've been considering starting a journal again, and seeing how that goes. Anyone had success with this? I've heard people recommend it but I feel like re-reading messages from my alters still kind of freaks me out.