How do you know you're the host?

I have a question to the people who identify as the host personality. How do you know you're the host?

It's very difficult for me to ask this question, because I'm not so sure if my dissociative problems are severe enough for me to have split. Most of the signs are there; different handwriting, several legal name changes, lost time, unable to recall major life events, partial awareness of the past without the details, and a rainbow of psychiatric problems that seem to shift. Maybe I'm in denial, because I am more than willing to read the other forums but hardly ever take a glance in this one.

The thing that's bugging me the most is that if I'm actually dissociative, I'm not sure that it's possible for me to be the host. My name has been legally changed a few times, each time distancing a little more from my birth name. I don't feel like the person that name belonged to. Judging by the things people have told me, I must have been in an immense amount of pain. The things I did are not the actions of the person I am now.

If this resonates with someone please let me know.

My system has had several different hosts, and I have not been around long. The thing is that I was oblivious to all this until not long ago. Even now I have to ask the other alters in order to know what is really going on. Without them to answer my questions, I would be in the dark about everything.

What opened everything up to me is one night, a year ago or so, I told myself before bedtime that it's okay to remember my childhood. It was like flood gates opening. I did not exist then, but another host (Jessica) did and she worked hard to find ways to communicate with the other alters.

Of course the systems goal is to keep all this from you, but once you show them that you are ready to accept them, they should begin to show themselves.

The host is usually clueless about the others. It does sound like that if you have DID, you are the clueless one. Once you can communicate with others, then you can simply ask those in charge of these things. I tend to ask my ISH's and my system managers these types of questions, but of course it takes a while to figure out who those parts are.

The host is usually the person who handles the everyday stuff and is "out" most of the time (things like going to school, grocery shopping, being "normal"). I've been the host of my system for about 10/11yrs now.

Tylas is right in that the system tries to stay hidden from the host, at least for the most part. They might seem more like consciences, or "shoulder angels" and "shoulder devils"; you know, enough to be recognized as voices, but not necessarily cause alarm.

They're kinda like when you argue with yourself in your head about a decision, like what to do or what to wear, except normally, that'd just be you being indecisive. With DID, one day you'll realize (the more and more you argue, especially if you do so out loud) that the two opposing options start to have different "voices/tones" from your "normal voice" inside your head; possibly different expressions will follow; and then you start to notice traits being attached to the voices, such as one being mostly angry, one being calm and quiet, one being upbeat and happy, etc. And then you'll start to think "Hm, it's like I have different sides to me". And then, (if you're like me) you'll think it's normal, or just something that makes you a bit weird, nothing to really pay attention to, for a few years. Until you stumble across DID (I did in school psychology classes), read about it, and start getting really relieved that there's something that exists that puts what you experience into words, into explainable sentences.

ANYWAY, usually the host doesn't know about the system until they stumble across a part or a few parts on their own, or a part thinks the host is ready to be contacted, or therapy reveals parts, or the host shows the parts they're ready to accept and communicate with them, or something like that.

With my system, we couldn't afford to raise any attention in the situation we were in, and things like switches couldn't afford to be too obvious (or too alarming to me). So, parts would sorta "come forward" to me, either already having a name or using me to help them find a name, or even making me find their name by letting me know what name "feels right". They wouldn't just jump out and be like "Hey, what's up? I'm a different personality and I'm here to help". It was more like a self-talk type of thing, like how I started to notice Rain. When I was upset, I'd start telling myself, "Sshh, shhh, it's ok. You're ok, sweetie. It'll be ok. Let's watch some movies and calm down, ok?" or something like that. Well, one day I realized that when I would tell myself that, it wouldn't sound like my voice/myself. When I would repeat that stuff to myself in my head, the "voice" saying it had a calmer, quieter, and higher-pitched tone. Then I found myself answering that "voice", saying things like "Ok" and "You sure it's ok?". Finally one day I was wondering what this "voice" was or why I would think in that different tone of "voice" and then I just got this feeling, that if the "voice" didn't sound like me, it wasn't me. That's when the "voice" spoke up and said, "Rain", and so I started calling the "voice" Rain. Later, of course, I found out that this "voice" had a name because an entire personality was attached to the voice. So, yeah, even when parts come forward to the host, it's not always obvious.

Sorry if I was ranting a little bit. I hope there were some helpful parts in there. From what you've shared (the different handwriting, names, etc), it sounds like DID/DDNOS could be a possibility, and you should definitely look more into it to see if anything seems to "fit" you.

Hi Ladyswan Like tomboy says, the 'host' is the one out front most, and who deals with daily life. So if that's you, then you're the 'host'! It's not necessarily the same as the 'core' or 'original' personality, so maybe your question is more about that? Some people identify as having a 'core', some don't. Personally, I don't, althought I freely admit that I don't know much about the others yet and there might be one in there who says they're the 'original', or the one who was born in the body. Research suggests that there isn't an 'original personality' as such because babies don't have a whole, integrated sense of self, but like I say, lots of people identify as having one so it's a very individual thing. I'm not an expert (can you tell?!) so I hope this makes sense.

A lot of what you say sounds familiar to me. I've never identified with my 'real' name (although I've never changed it). My past is very hazy and doesn't feel like 'my' life. Since starting to communicate with the 'others' I've worked out that I'm probably the fifth host we've had. Some people find the idea that they're not the 'real' person freaky but to me it was kind of a relief because it explained why I feel so distant and so different from the person I was in the past. Anyway, hope this helps, and I'm glad you did decide to look in!

Thank you for the responses. It's really helped me to get a different perspective on this. With that in mind I'm going to try and make a habit to read this forum more often.

Owleyes wrote:the 'host' is the one out front most, and who deals with daily life. So if that's you, then you're the 'host'! It's not necessarily the same as the 'core' or 'original' personality, so maybe your question is more about that?

Yes, that's what I meant to ask. Thank you. I'm not really knowledgeable about the terminology used, but I'm definitely the host.

tomboy24 wrote:one day you'll realize (the more and more you argue, especially if you do so out loud) that the two opposing options start to have different "voices/tones" from your "normal voice" inside your head; possibly different expressions will follow; and then you start to notice traits being attached to the voices, such as one being mostly angry, one being calm and quiet, one being upbeat and happy, etc.

It's becoming hard to ignore lately because the voices I had in my are actually speaking out loud now, sometimes arguing. It started out in whispers under my breath, got louder, and now I'm doing it in public. Sometimes around my family, which freaks them right out. The voices differ. Right now the one who speaks out most often is angry - at me - and will insult any disagreement.

tomboy24 wrote:even when parts come forward to the host, it's not always obvious.

Thank you for explaining that. It all seems too bizarre to be true and it's been hard for me to accept that this is an issue I'm actually facing.

tylas wrote:Once you can communicate with others, then you can simply ask those in charge of these things. I tend to ask my ISH's and my system managers these types of questions, but of course it takes a while to figure out who those parts are.

How do you communicate with them? I tried to write down a question and let my hand move around on its own but I couldn't read the writing very well. It did look like something I hadn't thought about was written - "they _____ ___ you to ____" and that can be so many different things.

You can try talking to them, either internally (so the "voice" you think to yourself with) or out loud. You can ask if anyone's there, you can tell anyone who's possibly there about the things you know and think, you can let any possibles know that it's safe to come out and that you'd like to get to know them, you can ask if they'd like to come out, things like that. You could ask your angry voice why they're angry at you, even. Be sure to let them know it's safe, you're safe, and they're safe, though. That's often a huge key in getting parts/alters to "surface".


You can continue to try writing notes to them, that way they can answer on their own time when/if they're "out". This helps a lot with my system for parts/alters who don't have that good of (usually internal) communication. Even if most of it ends up coming out like gobbldy-gook, it doesn't hurt to try.


Before trying to contact any possible parts, though, there are things can help "coax" parts "out".

Meditation can help a lot. Clearing your mind, focusing on yourself, being relaxed and calm with calm breathing; it can help you notice or "hear" things/voices you might not normally notice.

Doing things that make you feel as safe, comfortable, and relaxed as possible can help a lot, too. Like, wearing favorite/comfortable clothes, listening to relaxing music, surrounding yourself with things that make you feel safe (like pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, etc), taking a relaxing bath, all those things can help make communication easier. Because when you feel safe, relaxed and comfortable, it'll help any possible parts feel safer, more relaxed, and more comfortable as well. It's kinda like you have to break down the mental walls by helping yourself not feel like you need to be guarded or anything (whether you notice it or not).


From what you've added so far (the whispers, arguing, doing it in public, etc.), I would definitely start looking more into DID/DDNOS. Perhaps start looking for therapists that specialize in dissociative disorders (at the very least, someone who treats something similar, like PTSD, and believes in DID). It seems like it might be time to start collecting all you know about this (the voices, the notes, the different handwritings, etc), to help prepare you for getting an evaluation/diagnosis. (The more you have prepared/the more symptoms you know, the more you'll be helping yourself to get a proper diagnosis). Definitely get a diagnosis/evaluation from someone familiar with dissociative disorders if at all possible, otherwise you may be misdiagnosed. It's common to mistake DID for types of schizophrenia, especially if the doctor is not familiar with DID (or any dissociative disorders, really). Be careful as well- DID is a very controversial subject for a lot of psychology professionals. Some have reluctance to diagnose DID due to how controversial it is. (I'm sure Tylas can help you out more in this subject, I only know enough to warn people to be careful). If, once you get your diagnosis, the doctor did not even consider DDNOS/DID to be a possibility for you, don't put any worth on their diagnosis- just start looking for another one somewhere else with someone else. Even if you end up not having DDNOS/DID, just based on what you've shared here, it should at least be on the list of possibilities and should at least be considered. (And that sort of stuff can help protect you a bit from being misdiagnosed).

How do you communicate with them? I tried to write down a question and let my hand move around on its own but I couldn't read the writing very well. It did look like something I hadn't thought about was written - "they _____ ___ you to ____" and that can be so many different things.

I have read that some people can write down things, but in my case writing is not allowed. Writing would be met with something like cutting off my hands. It is simply forbidden due to rules by protector introjects, but this is not the case with everyone. Talking use to be forbidden as well, so we developed our own way of communicating. (They will chat away with others, just not me)

For instance - if I get really hot and sweaty I know MADeline wants to communicate. I can ask her questions and she would find ways to answer yes or no. After quite a while of this with various alters we learned to simply smile or frown if the answer was a yes, and have no facial moment for a no. Lil' M - she would itch the inside of my eyebrows to let me know she was out, and so on. There is around 40 or so of them that I can tell in such a manner. All alters now will answer yes or no if I ask if a particular part is out.

For 50 years I had total time loss between alters, then one night when I told myself it's okay to remember my childhood - I had a dream, but it was so real. It was a story, then the next night another and another. Then the pseudoseizures began. As the parts got closer to the host I felt their fear, their startles, and their fighting inside with each other. I could hear some scream, call out for help, some calling mommie.... - but none talked directly to me.

It was all creepy, but I tried to understand them. I was told this was my inner child, so I tried to be really nice to it and tried to communicate. I read John Bradshaws book "Homecoming" and the inner child work really helped me. It was not an inner child, but the methods he suggested sure helped my alters feel loved and wanted and they trusted me - I became their parent. They wanted to share all they were allowed with me, so they found ways without breaking the protector introject rules.

Breaking those rules - as in talking directly to the host or writing was met with being beat, locked up and punishment in the same ways my real father had punished me. It's a long and difficult process, but its worth it.

I just wanted to say well done for writing here ladyswan. You've taken a huge step and shown a lot of courage by writing here.

I think it will be really useful for you to read what other people here have to say about the symptoms you've been experiencing, seeing as I've been not so subtly pointing the DID elements out in your other thread for quite a while now...

ladyswan wrote: Maybe I'm in denial, because I am more than willing to read the other forums but hardly ever take a glance in this one.

I thought your comment about avoiding this forum was really interesting. It reminded me of the time when I first came here. I always felt a bit sick reading the DID forum even though I was more than happy reading any other forum in the whole place. I avoided this place for soooooo long. Even after I got diagnosed, I found it hard to be here. I think denial can play a strong part in all of us. It is a scary thing to think about confronting after all.

It helped me to think about things more like "I'll just try and treat it like I would if it was DID and if it gets better, great, if not, nothing lost". That was the most helpful thing for me to think to help me move forward initially, as it allowed me to still be in some element of denial but to still try and do stuff that would help me to get better. Gradually, as I started to improve a bit, it became easier to accept that it was DID... It is still hard at times though, I don't think that denial ever goes away completely. It is a defensive mechanism after all. Maybe for the moment you can just try to do some things to treat it like it is dissociative so that you can make some improvement, even if you are still in denial?

ladyswan wrote:each time distancing a little more from my birth name.

This is pretty common in DID. I don't relate to my birth name. I don't even relate to most of my nicknames any more. That's one of the reasons why I never use my name here, even with the people I am much closer to here. I think a lot of people with DID find they start to distance themselves from their birth names. There are a lot of interesting past threads on this topic. A search would find them...

In terms of communicating with your other parts, you can start out simple. You can simply ask a question (either out loud or in your head) and see if you can hear another part "think" a response. You might want to start with non-triggering questions like "what is your favourite food" or "what leisure activities do you like doing". Your other parts are welcome to write here also by the way.

Sometimes, if you are having trouble getting any answers from other parts, you might find it helpful to answer the question multiple times. For example, if you write "what is your favourite leisure activity" your first answer might be "watching TV". If then you leave the book open to the page, look at the question again and find yourself thinking "playing games with my child", that will indicate that another part has a different opinion. Does that make sense? So if you feel like you are not getting any answers, just keep answering the question again and again until you've thought of all of your answers (that way you've got your conscious thoughts out of the way) and then keep answering until you feel like you've gotten all of the answers out of yourself that it's possible to get. Some of those answers will likely be other parts...

This whole thread has struck me as INCREDIBLY interesting. For a long time, I despised my birthname, and even went so far as to change it entirely - EAB to LRM. Very recently I've realised I despise the new name chosen (Leslie) and have started going by my birthname once more. How very interesting...

-Edward/Unicorn