Is anyone like this in their DID?

Right, I just want to share my story to find out if there are people who have DID like I do. Sometimes I get into denial about it because it's so different from the 'norm'.

Whereas most people have DID where they lose time and hear voices, mine is different. I don't really lose time. When I switch I am fully conscious. It's like, when I switch, I feel the change, but rather than sitting in the background, I sort of change into my alter. I can go from being me, to being someone else entirely, I can even change gender in my mind when I switch to a male. When I switch from me to Aaron, I suddenly feel like a male trapped in a female body, I apparently walk different, talk different etc, but I still have the consciousness as if I am him instead of me. Also my sexual desires change when I switch into Sophie, she has a very strong rape fetish that I don't have, but when I switch to her, I feel all she feels, my voice goes higher too. I have only lost time twice, and I had been drinking both times, and I turned into a crazy abusive mess - the first time, it was my alter Laura, who took a pretty big overdose, luckily my boyfriend was there to make me throw the pills back up.

I knew I was losing time however rather than it just being an alcohol blackout because about three times during the time loss, I kind of had a "flash" of what was going on... One flash I was sitting on the washing machine crying to my best friend, the second flash I was throwing a glass at my boyfriend and wondering why I was doing it, the third one I was throwing a bottle of Seroquel down my throat, and also wondered why I was doing it. The fact I was so confused during the "flashes" convinces me that it was time loss and not alcohol blackout - surely if it was an alcohol blackout I would have known what I was doing and why, right? Is time loss like this?

Is anyone like this? The fact I'm so different from most people with DID makes me question it, wonder whether I'm imagining it etc.

Thanks,
Kaz x

I understand the "flashes" and I would say that's how I loose time too. About switching, mine sort of starts with my body and brain tingiling, and then another being steps into me. If that makes sense. I feel like my mind is a chair, and whoever sits in the chair has control. Does that make sense?

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote:I understand the "flashes" and I would say that's how I loose time too. About switching, mine sort of starts with my body and brain tingiling, and then another being steps into me. If that makes sense. I feel like my mind is a chair, and whoever sits in the chair has control. Does that make sense?

It does make sense. With my boyfriend, it's like a door, and when an alter opens the door and walks out, they are in control. I used to get the brain tingling too, but it seems to have stopped over the past year.

Kaz x

We're not exactly like that, but pretty close to it. We lost time in High School, but it's rare now, and when we shift it's less someone taking over and more the two of us sort of melding together. Which isn't it, exactly, either... but I don't have a good description of how it works.

Feathers wrote:Whereas most people have DID where they lose time and hear voices, mine is different. I don't really lose time. When I switch I am fully conscious. It's like, when I switch, I feel the change, but rather than sitting in the background, I sort of change into my alter. I can go from being me, to being someone else entirely, I can even change gender in my mind when I switch to a male. When I switch from me to Aaron, I suddenly feel like a male trapped in a female body, I apparently walk different, talk different etc, but I still have the consciousness as if I am him instead of me. Also my sexual desires change when I switch into Sophie, she has a very strong rape fetish that I don't have, but when I switch to her, I feel all she feels, my voice goes higher too.

Honestly, that is what it is like for me too. I am Swan. I seem to be the only alter who has this happen. I have lost time, but my alters are so smooth I've been unaware of it. Instead of a blank spot in memory, usually there is a "memory" there but I can't understand it, so it's basically filled in with a memory I can't know. But when the others come forward, I am most often present, but I do change, gender, voice, body language. Sometimes I fade out a little, but most of the time I feel like I am there, and someone completely different. I can't explain why it is like this, but I want you to know you're not alone. Lion recently told me she keeps me out all the time on purpose, because she doesn't want me to know certain things I would apparently find out if I went into the back, or "unconsciousness". I'm really not sure, and it's rather confusing to me. However I can really relate to what you described.

Glad I'm not alone... It helps with being able to accept what's going on and not be in denial.

Kaz x

Feathers wrote:Right, I just want to share my story to find out if there are people who have DID like I do. Sometimes I get into denial about it because it's so different from the 'norm'.

I don't have long time losses either. And very co-conscious.

I associate it with the fact that I'm in more or less safe environment for 10 years and in VERY safe and comforting environment for last 4 years.

I remember severe blackouts in my school years, but now I can more or less remember everything happening with me. But memory came post factum. As if sometimes I woke up and recollect my dreams. Like it's not me living and experiencing events. If I'll be incautious with remembering things I can "fall asleep" again.

I've rarely had full-on time loss, and I certainly was not always in a safe environment or around understanding people. Still am not sometimes. Usually when I switch, it's similar to what you describe. I'm still conscious of everything, but I'm not driving, I'm in the back seat. At most, what I usually experience is what I call "emotional memory". I'll remember the emotions felt during a switch, like Kat's rage, and I'll remember vaguely what was done while Kat was out, but I won't remember details like what she said or what exactly happened. It really depends on if I'm switching consciously or if I'm triggered, and if I'm triggered then it depends on what's triggering us and how bad it is. The only alter's I've had true, fully black-out time losses with is Rebel, "Hannibal", Kyra, and Lynn, and even then it's happened only a couple times with each alter. Aside from "Hannibal", all the time loss incidents have been within the past year or so as well, so it might happen to you later on, you never know (not to scare you or anything). Rebel and Kyra are usually confused and unaware of current reality, "Hannibal" doesn't see himself as being a part of me, and Lynn is too young to understand DID really, so I think that's why I have time loss with them and not any of the others. Otherwise, I'm usually fully conscious and can remember everything, I feel everything and such, I'm just not in control at all. I used to doubt my DID and even wonder if I was faking it for attention or something because it didn't fit "the norm" as far as time loss went. I don't always hear voices either, but that might be because I've gotten used to having them in the background, I don't know. Everyone's DID is different, and I hate that a lot of doctors still rely on time loss and blackouts as a main symptom to look for. Yes, it's a common symptom, but there's plenty of people who don't experience time loss yet have DID, but because they don't black out doctors will doubt them and it's stupid. Just because you don't have time loss, don't ever doubt yourself. Stay strong with what you know, because as funny as it is, not matching "the norm" is pretty normal.

tomboy24 (Cassandra) I agree so much with your post, and many things you said resonated with my own experiences. Thank you.

tomboy24 wrote:I've rarely had full-on time loss, and I certainly was not always in a safe environment or around understanding people.

Same here.

tomboy24 wrote:Usually when I switch, it's similar to what you describe. I'm still conscious of everything, but I'm not driving, I'm in the back seat. At most, what I usually experience is what I call "emotional memory". I'll remember the emotions felt during a switch, like Kat's rage, and I'll remember vaguely what was done while Kat was out, but I won't remember details like what she said or what exactly happened.

Well said, this also, is exactly what I experience. I feel no "gaps" in memory, however, I can't remember everything quite as clearly as if I were fully forward. I feel the other alter's emotions and what they do, but specific details are more difficult to recall.

I also wonder if it's possible to be unaware of certain time losses? My system works pretty well together despite a few kinks, and I've recently been turned onto the fact that Lion has an ulterior agenda, so it doesn't seem impossible that switches would be arranged so that I didn't notice time loss. Furthermore, recently other people in my life have been talking about events that happened two years ago, and although I know these events happened, when I try to remember any details about them, I can't. Funny thing is, I thought I was forward during that time. Apparently not.

tomboy24 wrote: I used to doubt my DID and even wonder if I was faking it for attention or something because it didn't fit "the norm" as far as time loss went.

Me too. :/

tomboy24 wrote:Everyone's DID is different, and I hate that a lot of doctors still rely on time loss and blackouts as a main symptom to look for. Yes, it's a common symptom, but there's plenty of people who don't experience time loss yet have DID, but because they don't black out doctors will doubt them and it's stupid.

I agree! >:( For a while I used to think that my current therapist thought I was faking ****may trigger***because in her eyes, I wasn't "abused enough".**End trigger** We have slowly been able to dispel that notion, but it was certainly stressful on the system. Bear thought that she figured we were imagining our DID and thought she was going to try to make us "think we integrated" so that we could move on from this "phase". He was trying to protect us, and he's begun to trust our T a little more.

tomboy24 wrote:Stay strong with what you know, because as funny as it is, not matching "the norm" is pretty normal.

(Fox) True dat.

I thought I was the only one who was conscious of everything during the "switch"; even though later, I'll have forgotten some of the things that happened. Sometimes I even wonder "am I acting without even noticing? Because I don't feel like it..."

PS: After reading this topic, I decided to join the forum (: