I can't switch.

I still feel the need to stress that my diagnosis is not official and whilst doctors try to figure out what's going on for me I am still labelled as having Psychosis.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the possibility of DID but there's one thing that make's me believe I don't or can't have it. I can't switch.

There has only been a handful of times when I have switched and had no recollection and this was at a time in my life when I was incredibly stressed and confused and going through some sort of mental breakdown. I have moments now where it feels like one of my people is in control but I can still see,hear and influence what my body is doing. We both have a hand each on the steering wheel of the vehicle that is my body.
However one thing that makes me believe my people are not psychotic hallucinations is because I know that they represent certain parts of me that I struggle to express in real life and after so many years of them being around nothing has made them leave, no anti-psychotics, nothing.
But I can't really switch as such. Perhaps I just have a great deal of self control or perhaps my people don't want to assume control. After all they all have their own lives so they don't need my body for anything.
Sometimes I wish they would come out though but I have a great deal of fear around the idea of me not being in control.
I dunno. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn't be here seeing as I don't experience switching but there isn't really anywhere else for me to go.

Well, perhaps you just haven't been in a situation where an alter may come out? Say, a protector/guardian for example? Not assuming, just wondering.

Frank_Darko wrote:There has only been a handful of times when I have switched and had no recollection and this was at a time in my life when I was incredibly stressed and confused and going through some sort of mental breakdown. I have moments now where it feels like one of my people is in control but I can still see,hear and influence what my body is doing. We both have a hand each on the steering wheel of the vehicle that is my body.

This is DID.

Having no recollection is common and normal for switches, and only having it happen a handful of times is also common and normal. Not everyone switches everyday; not everyone switches often; not everyone has noticeable switches; everyone's different. DID is a very personal condition and can have many variations from person to person.

The moments where it feels like you both have a hand on the steering wheel is the beginnings of co-consciousness and co-hosting. You can be co-conscious without being able to co-host, and you can co-host without being aware that you're doing it. You are starting to be co-conscious because you're feeling that one of your people is in control with you, and you're realizing that you're (both) still aware of what's going on "outside". You are co-hosting (and recognizing it) because you are both in control of the body and are able to influence what is done.

Frank_Darko wrote:However one thing that makes me believe my people are not psychotic hallucinations is because I know that they represent certain parts of me that I struggle to express in real life and after so many years of them being around nothing has made them leave, no anti-psychotics, nothing.

Keep a hold of this belief because you are correct. Your people/alters are not psychotic hallucinations. What you have is DID, and your hallucinations are most likely DID related (some people do have hallucinations that are not DID related. We do. Such hallucinations are usually small/"insignificant" though. Such as our's, they're of bugs, cats, colors that aren't there, etc. Small stuff).

Frank_Darko wrote:But I can't really switch as such. Perhaps I just have a great deal of self control or perhaps my people don't want to assume control. After all they all have their own lives so they don't need my body for anything.
Sometimes I wish they would come out though but I have a great deal of fear around the idea of me not being in control.
I dunno. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn't be here seeing as I don't experience switching but there isn't really anywhere else for me to go.

Not everyone is able to switch at-will (that's often a therapy goal as it helps with co-consciousness and co-hosting). And not everyone is able to fully switch while still being aware of it (co-consciousness). AND every system is different. You do not have to be able to switch at-will to have DID. You've described past experiences that are switches, you've described other symptoms that match DID, everything except for recent/often switches screams that you have DID (or at the very least, DDNOS-1). And you don't have to have recent/often switches to have DID.

You, yourself say that you often spend time in your own little world, preferring it to reality. I imagine your people/alters would be similar, so of course there's not going to be a switch unless it's truly, 100% needed (like your previous experiences).

Having fear of not being in control, and having extreme self-control can hinder switching greatly. This is why it's helpful to be as calm, relaxed, and feeling as safe as possible before trying communication. Clearing your mind and being as calm/safe as possible can help remove subconscious barriers/obstacles our minds put up that can make contact/connecting with other alters difficult. And that's just for communication! Switches, especially at-will, can encounter even more subconscious barriers/obstacles, such as the ones put up by fear or not being able to let go of control, so it can be a lot more difficult.

Here are some threads that might be interesting to you:
How to stop dominating my alters; releasing them: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic71922.html
(Within that thread, this thread is referenced). Need to "learn" to relax to allow switches: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic71765.html

These threads might also be helpful to you:
Cooperative switching: how did you get there?: http://www.psychforums.com/post894928.html
How to "switch" willingly and easily?: http://www.psychforums.com/post743410.html
Switching- how long does it take?: http://www.psychforums.com/post855101.html
When do you switch?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98641.html
Question about switching: (an older thread, but might be interesting to you) http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic74003.html

(Don't feel overwhelmed with all the reading material I've suggested. Most of these are short threads, 1-2 pages, but they still might be interesting and/or helpful to you).


Every system is different. Your's seems to be set up in a way that works for you/your life. Your people/alters have their own lives, they mostly live "inside", they're content until they're needed- doesn't seem like that bad of a set-up if you ask me, and it's one that fits your needs (or fit your original needs. Systems don't always change easily with changing needs).
Also, keep in mind that DID systems are practically meant to hide, and that can be very difficult to get over. It can also affect switching and how willing alters are to come "forward", much less "out". Not only that, but if your people/alters think or believe they can't switch, or they shouldn't switch, or something similar, then switches won't happen unless it is absolutely needed. And unfortunately, validating a hosts' belief is not something needed for survival/safety. Another thing to consider is that if your people/alters have only switched when absolutely needed/triggered, then that might be all they know themselves, so they might not know how to switch at-will or when it's not needed either.


You most certainly should be here, and you belong here, so I hope you stay here. If nothing else, remember that everyone is different, and that there can be many variations within DDNOS-1 and DID. Just because one thing doesn't seem to quite "match up" (such as the switching aspect), that doesn't mean that you don't have DDNOS-1/DID, especially if everything else "matches up" (which from what I've read of your posts, it does).

~The Hawk

tomboy24 wrote:Also, keep in mind that DID systems are practically meant to hide, and that can be very difficult to get over. It can also affect switching and how willing alters are to come "forward", much less "out". Not only that, but if your people/alters think or believe they can't switch, or they shouldn't switch, or something similar, then switches won't happen unless it is absolutely needed. And unfortunately, validating a hosts' belief is not something needed for survival/safety.

D@mn! That's why it didn't work. And, denial probably won't help either, I think.

Disclaimer: I have not (yet) been diagnosed...

Frank_Darko wrote:I have moments now where it feels like one of my people is in control but I can still see,hear and influence what my body is doing.

I have moments I really behave different (for example, like I'm much younger, every time the same way). But I am still in control. Mainly the subconscious movements change. And I feel different, to some extent.

I only get to the point that I can let myself be controlled, but only to a certain degree. And when I feel like some other part has taken over, it is so easy to get back that it feels like I'm just imagining it. It does take a few seconds and some effort, but then I can move at will again. It has never happened that I really was out of control (except maybe for one time I don't remember anything of, I need to verify that I really was at some place, I just don't know how without appearing stupid). I usually can't just let some other part take over, it seems. So Frank_Darko, you are not the only one.

As for me, I don't lose time that I can verify (yet), I don't really switch in a way that I'm not in control anymore and I don't black out. But I am still considering DDNOS-1/DID (and am almost sure I'm on the spectrum).
According to the DSM-IV, there needs to be amnesia between different parts (and parts need to come to front) before considering DID, so according to that definition I can't have DID - but that doesn't say anything about DDNOS and the required amnesia is somewhat controversial.

tomboy24/Hawk, thank you for the links. I will read those threads.

I think it is pretty rare to be able to do it by choice. I have small bits of time loss regularly and find evidence of time loss occasionally, so it makes it easier for me to be certain in the diagnosis of DID.

I can sometimes be co-conscious if I "listen" inside, relax/trust, and pay attention to the shapes and things moving around inside the mind. I figured this out when I was talking with my doc- two parts came out and talked. It was a positive experience, but boy was it exhausting! I think time loss is usually caused by unexpected and overwhelming stress.

I agree with tomboy24- DID systems usually seem to be very subversive. It's definitively there, but not overtly obvious enough to be something tangible. The instinctual denial so many people with DID feel is a waste of time. Document what happens, be objective in what you experience, and let the conclusions dictate what you think.

Thanks very much for the replies and thank you for those links. They have been very helpful. I have felt recently that Darren has been trying to come out but he is the one "alter" I don't wish to come out but apparently the only one who actually wants to. Nothing ever good comes from him being out.

oaktree wrote:tomboy24/Hawk, thank you for the links. I will read those threads.

Frank_Darko wrote:Thanks very much for the replies and thank you for those links. They have been very helpful.

Welcome.

Frank_Darko wrote:I have felt recently that Darren has been trying to come out but he is the one "alter" I don't wish to come out but apparently the only one who actually wants to. Nothing ever good comes from him being out.

This might be signaling that it's time/you're ready to start trying to communicate and work with Darren more. Why does nothing good ever come from him being out? Why does he act that way? Are there "better" things that he can do that he'd like? Are there other outlets/activities he could use/do? Could you perhaps come up with compromises that would work for both of you? Could you perhaps work with him to set up some guidelines? (I don't necessarily need these answered if you're not comfortable answering them, I was mainly listing them as questions for you to ask that could help progress towards a solution that works for everyone).

Instead of having him come "out", try to let him just come "forward", and attempt communication with him (make sure to do all the relaxy, calmy, safe-feeling stuff first, though). Try both talking to him (out loud and internally- sometimes talking out loud can work better than internally), and writing to him.

Also, maybe write him a note that you can put up somewhere for if he ever does end up coming "out". Perhaps in the note you can ask him questions, like why he does the things he does, and maybe even asking him to at least try to "behave" himself a bit this time, whatever you feel like including in the note. It's always worth a shot.

~The Hawk

Darren tends to view pretty much everything as a threat and has a general dislike of most people. In the past he has been violent and the amount of guilt I felt when this happened, although I was aware it wasn't me, was unbearable as I could never dream of doing people harm.
Darren also has quite a lot of anger towards me. He thinks I am spineless and pathetic. However despite his rather twisted view on the world and the horrible things he wants me to do I know that deep down his main goal is to protect me, to make me stronger, to get me to let go of the things that do me harm. He just has a rather aggressive approach about it. He usually insults me and tells me to end my own life but it's never out of hatred as such, it's usually in order to encourage me to do something with my life, to prove him wrong.
I'm willing to compromise with him and I suppose a part of me would like him to come out and talk to people as he has the ability to say no, which I seem to lack. I will try and talk more with him and see if we can come to an understanding.

(I had to ask permission to share this, and I'm able to, so here it goes. Sorry in advance if it's a bit long).
**Possibly Triggering stuff; talking about an abusive alter, sharing writing from an abusive alter**

Darren sounds similar to our system's "Hannibal". First of all, here's some background on "Hannibal" so that stuff makes sense:

"Hannibal": Is a self-destructive, self-punishing personality/multiple. Does not consider himself to be a part of Cassandra/the "host". Has never given a name for himself. Very manipulative, persuasive, violent, cruel, abusive, controlling, apathetic to the well-being of the "host" and other personalities. Enjoys self-mutilation, but since he does not see himself as part of the "host" he does not see it as "self" mutilation. His voice is not always heard and his presence is not always there or detected. Seemingly emotionless, has an even/monotone voice. Mainly abusive to Kat; his abuse and manipulation is what helped her to turn angry and abusive towards Cassandra and the other personalities. His actions were done out of love for Kat and out of a desire to make her invincible and strong. Prefers using others to do his bidding. Nicknamed "Hannibal" for the violent and destructive behaviour mirrored in the movies with "Hannibal 'The Cannibal' Lecter". Instead of inflicting harm upon others, he inflicts harm upon the "host" and other personalities, who he views as "others" that are separate from himself.

Age unknown, most likely older than Kat but probably has not been around as long as she has. (I've heard Kat's voice as long as I can remember, his first noticeable appearance through abusing Kat was when I was 13 years old. I did not hear his voice until I was 16/17 years old).



Here's a piece of writing that was started by Cassandra, then "Hannibal" actually took over and came "out" to write himself (I have put "Hannibal's" writing in italics):

Who is "Hannibal"?

What does he do?

He hurts, tortures, puts us through pain. Looking past that, he teaches. He "taught" Kat how to be a "better" protector. He makes us strong through pain and suffering, through showing us the dark sides of life.

What is he then?

He's a type of teacher, I guess. Perhaps even a protector himself. He pushes us to do things to a certain standard, and when we fail, we are punished. This is to make sure that we do not fail again. He's trying to help us "make it" in this life through making sure that we reach a certain standard. He makes us stronger by putting us through pain, making us numb to pain, making us able to cope with things we wouldn't normally be able to cope with.

Why does he focus on Kat?

Who knows? He thinks Kat can be a better protector, do a better job than she's doing. He holds her solely responsible for my failures, for my slip-ups, because she's supposed to prevent those. I'm not supposed to fall as long as she's there, according to him.

I loved her. I loved her and could never have her. I only wanted the best for her. But she needed to see. She needed to face hard facts of reality to be prepared to deal with pain. She needed to be stronger, she needed to learn how to truly be a protector. So I took it upon myself to teach her. I taught her how to cope with pain, with fear, I taught her how to be strong. I showed her how to stand up for herself and not let anything get in the way of her goal, of what she wanted. But she has failed me. Or perhaps it is I that has failed her. She has never known, for she could not ever know, what I hid behind my acts of brutality. For I loved her but could not have her. I only wanted her to be strong enough to never be hurt again, to be tough enough to face her fears without hesitation, to be successful and look down up on the world and be able to say "I won". I wanted greatness for her, the greatness of defeating the obstacles of her life! I wanted her to be able to look at her horrible father and say "You have no power over me", and succeed despite how he could have held her back. But it seems my efforts were in vain. My Katherine(Kat's first/full name), you were bound to be damaged sooner or later, and I would rather you be damaged by my hand, where I could control it, where it served a purpose, than to watch you be ravaged by your father and life's cruelty. I had wanted to make you into someone who could exact revenge upon all who wronged you, someone who could take revenge for your beloved mother, for your beloved sister (by "sister" he means Cassandra); I wanted to help you become someone who could force your abusers to suffer as they had made you suffer. I was not going to watch you slowly be destroyed when I had the chance to change you, shape you, make you into a formidable force to be reckoned with, a force that needed no one, a force that could stand alone against the world and handle anything that was thrown at her. I wanted to make you invincible so that you would never feel pain again, so that I would never see you cry again unless it was by my hand. I was not worthy to have you, there was no way I could have you, and so I turned myself into a teacher for you. I could not help you heal your wounds so I tried to help you become strong enough to never be hurt again. But I have failed. My dear Katherine, you will never know the motives behind my supposed torture, behind my despicable actions. For they seem like the motives of an insane person, and perhaps they are. I knew of the world's ugliness before anyone else did, I saw past your father's charade before anyone even had suspicions, I saw his scars and wounds and how the blood from them flowed over you, I knew how his wounds would eventually stain your perfection and damage you. Thus I tried to make you strong enough so that would never happen, so that you would see past his mask as I did and so that you would be able to rise above his dark clouds of self-pity and not let it affect you. My mind is twisted, and I realize this. But it is what helped me to save you from destruction, it is what helped me to make you strong, and so my twisted ways have served a purpose. My Katherine

(It's cut off because at that point, Cassandra's boyfriend came home, and actually managed to startle "Hannibal", which caused him to retreat back "inside").



I'm hoping these things are helpful in giving you perspective about Darren, and hopefully giving you ideas for how to handle situations with those such as Darren. Here is a quote and some threads that may also be helpful to you:

Quote from Cassandra about coping with "Hannibal" (it's from a different thread, but most of it applies to this thread as well I believe): "A suspected introject in my system, "Hannibal", is still very much a mystery, despite having been known about for a while, and being a danger (both inside and out) for his entire existence it seems (we don't know for sure how long he's been around, but our oldest record of him being a danger/causing damage was 9-10 years ago, when the body was 11-12). No one seems to know his age, his real name (if he has one), why he's here, why he does the things he does, or anything like that.
But we have learned how to "deal" with him, and we've gotten better at resisting him and the damage he causes. We have safety plans set up, we help each other, and we find strength in each other. The main way that we "deal" with him is that all of us refuse to let him scare us, hurt us, or affect us at all anymore. If he tries to go after little alters, all the older alters stand in his way. If he tries to hurt us, we fight him, and we don't stop fighting until he goes away. If he tries to tell us lies or manipulate us, we ignore everything he says and don't react to it at all to show him that he can talk all he wants but his words don't have power over us.
You might have to learn similar coping techniques because sometimes, information isn't ready to be learned yet, so you might have to be patient and use coping techniques in the meantime. In my case, information not only isn't ready to be learned, apparently, but it also seems to not be found anywhere except for within "Hannibal", so I have to simply cope and be patient. I hope that when I get back into therapy, I can start focusing on him more and have my therapist help me learn more about him/"reach" him and stuff."


And here are some (hopefully) helpful threads:
Help with an Abuser Alter?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic99622.html
Blocking a Bad Alter: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101666.html
Breakthrough? (this thread's about "Hannibal's" writing that I shared here. This is more of an optional read, but it might still be interesting to you): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic75602.html


I hope this is helpful to you, and sorry for it being so long.


~The Hawk

Thank you for sharing so much about Hannibal. I'm quite shocked about the similarities between him and Darren.