Need to "learn" to relax to allow switches.

So, along the lines of my last thread, OO has determined that I am actively, albeit subconsciously, preventing switches with a variety of behaviors. Basically, when I feel dizzy, headachey, nauseous and a variety of other symptoms I have been getting in therapy and occasionally outside therapy when everyone inside is very active, OO says those are the beginnings of a switch. I instinctively respond by:
* Sketching or "dashing" in my journal.
* Clicking my pen.
* Body movements like tapping my foot, clenching and unclenching my hands.
* Hiding my face, so the littles aren't as aware of T's presence and aren't trying to get out to talk to him.

If I consciously stop all of these things, I find something else to do without realizing it. I gave up my journal and pen half way through last session and found myself picking up my glasses from the table and twirling them around. I stopped the body movements and hiding and my whole body tightened up uncontrollably. T asked me to relax, but I couldn't. It suddenly donned on me that every past experience I have of completely relaxing was incredibly painful, both physically and emotionally. T asked about praying, but I do and it doesn't help. He is trained in hypnosis, but doesn't believe in pushing or dragging parts out. Gives as much time as it takes to happen naturally. So that's not an option. It would probably be dangerous to attempt self-hypnosis, as I am not trained and need to be able to leave my sessions safely as me or someone else who can get us home alright.

Does anyone have this trouble relaxing? Anyone have techniques that allow them to switch when as host it seems your whole being is designed to prevent it?

Now you got it!

Remember they are part of you... enjoy them.

A week after surgery I could not relax and let them come. I spent my days with migraines.

Now we are back to making progress and the headaches are almost gone.


For me.... I just look up and to the right inside my head. It's instant and they know I am looking for them.

I don't really understand how such movements as tapping one's foot or doing whatever with a pen when you're supposed to sit still and discuss your problems can be so bluntly interpreted as attempts of keeping your alters from surfacing.
Then again, I'm not a therapist and I haven't seen you doing that.

I've heard that this kind of physical activity is often connected to so called tactile or kinesthetic learners, who find it challenging to sit still and and listen in the classroom and who can focus and memorize better if they move a little. It can also signify restlessness of course.

I've always been fidgety like that, and when I'm trying to think and solve a problem for instance, I usually get up and walk a little and do stuff with my arms. It helps me to think! I always go to bathroom in the middle of boring meetings unless it's something terribly official. I need a break to be able to focus again. But I'm also able to sit still and relax, for the most part. Some people have told me that they thought I'm a very nervous person before the got to know me. I dunno, maybe my body language is a tell-tale sign of unconscious efforts to hold something back.

I've also watched how two people who discuss at a table use all sorts of little movements that produce sound, like pen-clicking or tapping the table or anything else to sort of punctuate the discussion. I don't want to undermine what you T says but sometimes it just looks like the therapists interpret things so much...

under ice - to explain, my therapist did not draw this conclusion, although he has noticed my dashing in my notebook and some other things like the hiding. OO (Objective Observer) inside is the one who told me what was going on, so it was an internal thing. I am actually an auditory learner most of the time and though I used to sketch in classes while listening, I am not a fidgety person. I am so UN-fidgety normally that when my H bounces his leg up and down, it makes me crazy. I get completely anxious when someone else is fidgeting, because for me, it is always something I do under extreme anxiety and usually accompanies the pre-switch sensations I'm describing. Ugh, sorry, someone internal is getting all defensive about how we know what's going on with us and not to discount it so easily (which I know you weren't trying to), except he doesn't speak quite so nicely, LOL. Anyway, these fidgets never happened even in therapy until after my parts were already on the surface enough for me to be aware of their thoughts, feelings, chatter, etc. At the time, I just thought they were "states" or "ways I get" and didn't know having other voices shouting in your head was not really standard...though it has been happening for many months at this point. I hope that clarifies.

Sure you can do things to keep them away - Its called staying grounded.

For instance when driving I sing full blast to the Ipod!


Or use to.. Baby Smirk freaked one time when it would not work while on the freeway!!!! Which made my daughter freak. It was not good. Daughter was trying to get it to work and Baby Smirk thought she was trying to change his driving music. lol


Aggghhh... So now we use a CD when in areas of poor reception.

Poor daughter hides the ipod when she gets in the car and I am driving. lol

If I consciously stop all of these things, I find something else to do without realizing it. I gave up my journal and pen half way through last session and found myself picking up my glasses from the table and twirling them around. I stopped the body movements and hiding and my whole body tightened up uncontrollably.

This all sounds so parallel to what I have done -- especially moving to the crescendo of the entire body tightening up -- to prevent switches that it seems to me that's what's happening. It's the context of the nervous movements that tells the whole story: therapy, strong emotions arising, littles want to tell their stories, and the decision is up to you. Your response: the opposite of relaxing. I did similar nervous movement things (shifting in chair, squeezing my fists, touching finger tips, anything like that) before knowing for sure that my purpose was to prevent a switch or even leakage from an alter. My body remembers what switches feel like and I as an alter do too, since I used to switch many times a day in childhood. My body also remembered what the feelings were leading up to a switch.

Focusing the mind on intellectual stuff deflects the emotion and the switching too. Reverie and relaxing the mind and body seem the opposite of pure intellect. The former I interpret as vulnerable, not just to switching, but to emotions. The latter feels "safer" to me. But I've had real-life experience in consciousness-raising programs with instructions like "close your eyes and go into your space" that I recall how to make my body do that and there's never been anything come I couldn't handle. Whereas it feels unsafe at one level, I know from experience it's not really. It's virtually the same thing as self-hypnosis.

** triggers **
I know I blocked, postponed, forced everything to dribble out at a slower pace, because I was not ready. Specifically, I wasn't ready to know that not just one but both parents were massively abusive and life-threatening. I didn't entirely want to recall that I felt powerless and had overwhelming feelings of betrayal. As an alter, I had believed that my family was pretty good. My mother was unstable, no denying that, but I never considered possible the extent of the abuse. To re-face that both could be cruel and that I frequently lived in terror until age 10-12 (well, not me, but me as a whole, me and my alters together) -- I just wasn't ready. Intellectually I was but emotionally I wasn't. So I was fed bits of information and once it got going, I had to get used to draining experiences several times a week. Fortunately, the experience of "freeing up" and clearing of my mind compensated and became my reward. The resolution of each piece was sweet, dessert for the soul.
** end triggers **

Trauma not experienced by the whole being (in DID) needs to be re-experienced. It seems always by the host in my system, though the traumas are replayed through whichever alter dealt with them. That's the way it has to happen in my system. It ain't fun. You have to be so ready you can't stand it and you're willing to hear anything. But if your system is working correctly, and with OO I would say it is, you can receive the information at a pace you can handle. It didn't always feel like I could handle it, like after a devastating flashback and the addition of horrible knowledge, the physical drain, but in the end, you can. Obviously we're all much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. DID was our salvation and it arose within us, our mind/body because we had the ability. Those who cannot dissociate may end up in madness, I don't know. I feel crazy sometimes, but I know I'm not insane. Far from it.

I'm sorry, yakusoku! I really read it as your therapist. It changes everything when it's someone inside. Please forward my apologies to everyone in your system.
Where's my head at

tylas - I agree, thanks!

JJ - Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It is always helpful to hear how you have processed through things I am coming up to.

under ice - Please don't feel bad! I knew it was just confusion and no offense intended...just someone in here was being all sensitive and snarky, so please forgive him.

I have this thing where I have to hold the T's pillow in my lap; there are always pillows on the couch, and I HAVE to hold it. I don't know why. I can count only 3 times where I didn't hold the pillow. The first time, I started fidgeting with my umbrella and didn't realize it for a long time, the 2nd was when I am not sure but I think I lost time, the 3rd time was super freaky--everything my T said took a really long time to get through my brain, she had to speak super slowly with lots of pauses. Like she would make a statement, loooong pause, if I still didn't answer, she would make another statement, at which time I would answer, but I was answering the first statement, not the second. And this is when the volume got turned down a ton, not to mention I was hallucinating big time (the lights were super dim, certain things looked extremely far away, my mind saw a painting of sunset as opposed to a painting with hearts, I know for a fact that my mind didn't see the mirror on the wall that showed up at the next session.)

I want to challenge myself to not hold the pillow, but it will be soooo rough!!!!!! Maybe I need to learn to relax too? It makes sense...

Something else that might help you, an idea I just got:

My manager was noticing me rubbing my shoulders at work(I work produce at the grocery and it's pretty straining)She let me use some of her neck and shoulder lotion. It really helps ease that tension. Ever since I can remember, I have held tension in my shoulders, and there are photos of me when I was little (I was scared I guess cuz I was getting my picture taken?)of me scrunching up my shoulders really high and hiding part of my face). I have a feeling that the shoulder tension I experience now is due to something in my childhood.

So maybe try something to relax not only your mind, but your muscles and body too, right before you go see your T(I am going to try this). Maybe purchase some tension lotion too. (I found some cheap for like 5 bucks.)