Help with Abuser Alter?

Hi. I guess i have some questions and want some advice. Basically my alter, Duke, is an abuser alter. I know he just wants to help, but i'm worried for the future for when i'm ready for a relationship. I've seen visions of what he will do in certain situations to this future partner, as in different types of abuse, and that's not really acceptable. I can't have Duke drive everyone and their brother away just because he is over protective of me. I know Duke is worried i, or someone else (i.e. therapist) will get rid of him. I don't want him gone, but i can't have him take over and hurt people, whether physically or mentally or any other way.

I know a therapist may be able to help, and i just started seeing a new one, but Duke doesn't want anyone finding out. He says it makes me look weak, plus he wants to protect both me and himself. I can understand this, but i'm just not sure what to do. I guess it's not a necessity right now since i'm not looking to be in a relationship right now, but it seems like something that needs to be changed, but without totally going against Duke's wishes in a way.

I'm just kind of lost I guess. Even if for some reason Duke says it's fine to tell the therapist about me and him, i'd feel so pathetic and weak. I hate feeling patronized, which i'd feel in that situation, and instantly feel like i was this weak idiot that can't do things for myself. I'm sure some of those feelings come from Duke's influence, but they're there either way.

So, guess i'm just looking for some advice. Thanks.

You can bandage things and try and help Duke, but he is still going to be triggered by certain things and he will do what he does.

The only solution is integration. Work on this with your T. In the meantime, you will be simply managing and putting out the fires as they arise.

Yeah that makes sense. I suppose i should work on that...Duke doesn't want me to mention him to my T, so i didn't know if there was something i could do myself or anything.

Can Duke come out and post here? That might help! This is a really safe place because we don't know your real name, where you live, or anything like that. You can talk freely about your most intimate stuff and still feel safely hidden.

Well, he doesn't come out much, only when he really needs too, like if there is a threat. I'm not even sure how i could ask if he could out and talk. But even if he did, i fear he'd be too aggressive and rude. I could be wrong though. I think it would be nice if he could speak, that could help. I'm just not sure where to start, like i said, with getting him to come and speak for himself.

He will influence what you do - passive influence, without coming out - he will run off those he sees as a threat.

Just talk inside addressing him. He will hear you. It does not matter if he answers, just keep trying. Remember these are just parts of you stuck as children. They are not monsters. They are afraid and need love and support. Give him what he needs. Don't act like he is a peer. He needs the adult parts of you to comfort and love him.

Well he doesn't like affection or 'love' like that, but i understand what you mean. He does comment to me sometimes so that's probably the best way to communicate.

I'm wondering what i should ask him and such, though i'm nervous to ask him anything really, that's another thing he corrects me on, when i ask questions.

Of course he wants, needs and likes love an affection. Don't be fooled by his act. ALL children need love, attention and affection.

Consider the bully on the playground. He would never let anyone know what he really needs - in fact he does not even know what he needs.

Trust me! I have so many system protectors: T-Rex, Great White Shark, an entire level of psychopaths and a mother introject that even my ISH's fear! She is PURE evil they say. What you need to understand is that these guys are introjects of others. Deep down they are hurt and scared children. Treat this one like he is your own child. Love and care for him no matter what he does. He needs pure love and acceptance.

He says he's not a child, and he doesn't appreciate being patronized.

And well, if i try to give affection, or show i care about him, he gets really annoyed and it scares me, so i guess i'm kind of stuck.

Can you imagine a teenager that wants to be called a child. Treat him like you would your own child. Don't force affection on him. Take it slow and steady. Even adults want love, affection and attention.

My T describes a home he lived in that was filled with wayward teens. He and the other counselors would come up behind the kids and just hug them for no reason. The kids were speechless.

I am guessing you are young and have never had children and since you have DID, you did not have a parent to show you how a parent should be. As the host, you need to take a big step into the unknown and try. You don't have to think of it as being a parent - just any supportive and caring adult figure will do.

Don't answer now. Take time. This is not an instant process.