Yesterday I was feeling thoroughly unaccomplished and depressed, so in an attempt to make some sort of progress with something, I started asking myself questions about "Hannibal". I started typing out questions like "what is he" and "what does he do", and then typing answers as I thought through them (seeing words/thoughts helps me to think through things better). Suddenly, the next thing I know is that my boyfriend Mike is standing in the room, apparently having gotten home from work, and there's a long paragraph on my computer that I didn't remember typing. My boyfriend said that I had been sitting on the bed, typing on my laptop, and when he entered the room I'd sat straight up and stared at him as if he was a complete stranger who'd caught me doing something bad. I was feeling very disoriented, so I took some time to "center" myself before reading what someone had obviously been typing. It turned out to be from "Hannibal" himself! It stopped mid-sentence, meaning Mike had actually walked in on "Hannibal" typing on my computer. And what he wrote turned out to be pretty informative.
I won't post it, since I highly doubt he'd like that, but I will post what I was typing before he came out. It started like this:
Who is "Hannibal"?
What does he do?
He hurts, tortures, puts us through pain. Looking past that, he teaches. He "taught" Kat how to be a "better" protector. He makes us strong through pain and suffering, through showing us the dark sides of life.
What is he then?
He's a type of teacher, I guess. Perhaps even a protector himself. He pushes us to do things to a certain standard, and when we fail, we are punished. This is to make sure that we do not fail again. He's trying to help us "make it" in this life through making sure that we reach a certain standard. He makes us stronger by putting us through pain, making us numb to pain, making us able to cope with things we wouldn't normally be able to cope with.
Why does he focus on Kat?
Who knows? He thinks Kat can be a better protector, do a better job than she's doing. He holds her solely responsible for my failures, for my slip-ups, because she's supposed to prevent those. I'm not supposed to fall as long as she's there, according to him.
After that, "Hannibal" took over and started typing. According to him, he focuses on Kat because he loved her, but knew he could never have her. (He doesn't see himself as a part of my mind/body now, or at least so he says, so perhaps he was talking about a point in time when he saw himself as being a part of my mind/body). His abuse and manipulation turned out to be attempts made by him to make Kat stronger, to make her invincible to pain, to prepare her for dealing with the world without our mom. He said stuff like he'd rather be the one to inflict pain on her, that way at least he could control it, than watch her be "ravaged and destroyed" by our father and life's cruelty. He talked about how he was able to see the world's ugliness before anyone, and how he was able to see my dad for the type of person he truly was before any of us. He wanted to make Kat into a person who was strong enough to withstand anything, and who was able to exact revenge upon anyone who did her wrong. He wanted her to be able to be revenge unto our father, revenge for "your mother's sake, for your sister's sake", for her own sake (by "sister" he meant Cassie, since it was just Kat and Cassie at the time if I'm not mistaken).
Needless to say I was surprised by all of this. "Hannibal" never seemed to care about any of us, except for when he would punish us for not living up to certain standards he thought we should be living by. Even then it seemed like he only enjoyed causing us pain and would use our "failures" as excuses to cause more pain. And I never would have guessed that he ever felt love for Kat (it's kinda weird to think that an alter of mine loved/loves another alter
). So I'm still processing all of this, and am not really sure what to make of it. I definitely want to try writing again to see if he has more to say, so that I'll be able to learn more about him. I guess he's not as bad as I'd always thought him to be, even though he could definitely work on having different methods to keep us in line and "toughen us up". Perhaps now I can even see if he has a real name, or if he'd like real name, instead of being called "Hannibal" all the time. (Though I have to admit it kinda weirds me out to think that he loved/loves Kat. I mean, that means a part of me loved/loves another part of me, yet he shows it by hurting her. It's weird to think about).-- Fri Oct 21, 2011 10:02 am --
Another thing I just realized. When I was younger I had a lot more self-confidence than I do now, and much better self-esteem. I liked myself, and was even a little arrogant at times. I never questioned my ability to do things, or my talents at things such as sports or art or other activities. But after my mom died, that seemed to immediately disappear. I lost my confidence, became very self-conscious, and started hating how I looked and talked. I also doubted myself in anything I'd do. If someone said to me, "Hey, you're pretty good at that", I'd say, "Thanks, but I'm not that good, I'm just mediocre". It was like I went from liking myself and having confidence to suddenly disliking myself and having no confidence. "Hannibal" kept saying that he "loved" Kat, so I'm wondering if this is connected in any way. Like, maybe before our mom died, "Hannibal" loved Kat and so I liked myself and was confident. And then after my mom died, "Hannibal" set his love for Kat aside so that he could "teach" her how to be "strong", and so I stopped liking myself. If that makes any sense. Or perhaps I'm reading too much into this.
*shrugs* Oh well.
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