how to stop dominating my alters; releasing them

I've been co-conscious with my alters for the last five months. Before that they were mostly sleeping. I realize I have a parallel problem to what yakusoku describes in the following thread.

Need to "learn" to relax to allow switches.
dissociative-identity/topic71765.html

I've relaxed to the point where they switch in and out often but having "owned" the body so long by myself, I haven't relaxed enough to let them have the body fully. So maybe I'm a step ahead but I'm now stuck there. I always hang around and kibbitz. It's only happened a couple times that I've been pulled back by others inside but even then it's not 100%. It's almost like I'm looking to regain the ability to lose time to them and I know that doesn't make sense.

I need to give my others freedom. I need to learn how. I need to wave a magic wand and release Jonathan from the cruel spell he's been under since the moment he came. The mission was to help John. Be your own person, develop your own wishes, become powerful and strong, but act from a role subsidiary to John. Have your own desires, but sublimate them to someone else. No wonder he has no interest in participating. Why would anyone so independent do that?

Earlier Jack was out and we were talking about the hurricane coming. He said he couldn't wait to go out into it. I was taken aback. That's not something I even considered. I admired his spirit. That part of the us that is him is bold and adventurous. I'd love to know that. Jack said what he's told me a million times. You still thank we's the same person. We's in the same body, but we ain't the same. I heard it differently and without trying I stepped back. All of a sudden, he became this full, unrestricted person. He dropped some crackers and, always frugal, I suggested he blow on them and eat them. He started laughing an unrestricted belly laughter I've never heard. You always eat off the floor like a pig? Freed up from my domination, he was this great spontaneous joyous person I wish I could be. He went about for a while fully as himself. No wonder he's always so down, listless. No wonder we sit at home all the time. It's my overwhelming influence. That's what I've always done, hole up at home, where I can control everything. Each day he's more afraid of going home after work because I'll end up not allowing us to get our butt out to do anything real. I see it's all been me, my dominance that's held him in, all of them in.

This isn't fun anymore. They're wrong: it's not good to be the king. Not when most of the plants and animals in the kingdom have died and your subjects are in chains. How do I stop dominating them? How do I release them? Would this be moving in the wrong direction? I'm scared of integration. What if we just ended up with my dominant personality? Nobody wants that. Can I abdicate like Jonathan's asked me to do and, if so, what would that mean? I'm going to re-read A Fractured Mind by Robert Oxham, as Una once suggested. I know the author changed hosts in middle-age, is that what I should do? I truly don't know what direction I'm supposed to go now. Why isn't there a road map for this?

I know what you are going through. I am feeling the same. It's so hard to let go!!!!

Keep in mind there is no integration. You keep all parts of you. You just learn to all function together like a normal brain, so let go of that fear.

This isn't fun anymore. They're wrong: it's not good to be the king. Not when most of the plants and animals in the kingdom have died and your subjects are in chains. How do I stop dominating them? How do I release them? Would this be moving in the wrong direction? I'm scared of integration. What if we just ended up with my dominant personality? Nobody wants that.

Well, with your introduction, it should be no surprise how much I relate. I often wonder about whether I'm trying to go the wrong direction, wanting to step back and lose myself when I have so much co-consciousness. So many people work for what we seem to have nearly always naturally had with each other inside. I'm torn, because I need to be me, the me my daughter knows as her Mommy. But, to live anything beyond a sliver of a life, I need the experiences of these other parts to emerge...for them to know the world and the life we occupy now, and not remain chained, as you say, in our past. The idea of integration terrifies a few of us. It sometimes feels more like a loss than the sort of wholeness it is portrayed as. It sounds...lonely to some of us who never found any way to connect except internally with one another. I wish I had answers or some sort of master key that both of us could use to free everyone up. Someone is feeling a lot of resonance, but I'm not allowed to post her stuff out in the open, but just know that she wants to be "with you" in this. I hope someone else has some wisdom to offer here. All we have is being in it together.

We relate to this, as well. We know exactly what you all mean.

Everyone always works so hard towards being cocon, but honestly, sometimes, I don't want it. I know we're accidently holding back others, and we don't want to do that! And sometimes, it's so hard to believe that we're DID when it feels like we have the final say in everything related to the body.
The Control Group says it's supposed to be this way. That Katherine and I are supposed to have the most control of the body. But how must that feel to everyone else? To know that if they want control, they have to fight Katherine for it?

We don't want to integrate at all. We function well as is. And we're friends with each other. We care about each other. We haven't been one person since before we were two years old. Being one would NOT be normal for us. That would be more foreign, more harmful, than this. This is what we're used to. This is how we function.
And it almost sounds like a betrayal. Getting rid of someone who protected you for years and years. They did everything for you, and your response is to take away their identity and steal all of their traits.
~Rage

I view this slightly differently. For me its not about dominating the others, it's about co-operation, negotiation and compromize. Mostly the others want the body to do various things to feel safe or for self expression etc. I respect that and will intentionally do what they want, even if it's something I don't particularly want to do myself. As long as it's nothing that puts us in physical danger of death, or other people harming us, or anything illegal. They are happy that their needs have been met and I'm happy that I remained in control. I think the others only come to the surface when I can't cope and freeze up or if they get overwhelmed with their emotions. Before I knew I had DID I called this "listening to myself". I say to people that I "have to do what I have to do, when I have to do it". All I knew was if I "ignored myself and what I needed" then "my head went nuts!". I accepted that this didn't always make sense to me or other people, but I also accepted that I probably had some sort of problem and that this was how I needed to live to manage it. Now I understand better what it is I'm actually doing. X

Johnny-Jack, do you feel like you owe your alters something, like you should give them more because they suffered for you? Correct me if I'm wrong. They are still parts of you, like yourself. Or is it that you realized that the big picture was much bigger than you expected, and you only knew and lived your part of it without knowing theirs, and now it's difficult to admit that you are not more than any of them, and let go of the idea of them as 'little people inside you', and treat them as your equals, sort of?
If so, it is an interesting and beautiful point.

Anyway, people have posted good advice that hopefully helps you. Co-operation and stuff. Isn't that what everyone wishes, but somehow it tends to slip away from sight every now and then .

I was more lost with myself before I learned what DID is and started to look at my problems with this new insight. Before, I had suspected that I have ADD, or schizoid personality disorder, or BPD, or some sort of learning disability (still I have no traditional learning problems, it's my memory and attention that don't function evenly at all). At one point I thought that maybe it's Asperger's syndrome, and so on. My life was like a house where some other people have always lived in secret rooms and I've only thought they were ghosts or figments of my imagination.
Realizing that MAYBE this is DID, I feel better also because I don't have to try to control the unexplained things and pretend it's nothing.

I can't be sure if some of my parts that nowadays look like personalities to me are just clusters of dissociated behaviour patterns that are easy for me to see as 'people'. At least four of them are exactly what they were before I thought of DID as an option. Two of them have unfolded as personalities after I came to this forum.

As silly as it sounds, I feel more like a participant in my life now.
It's easier to look at them, look at myself this way, as a group that has been formed for different reasons and purposes.
I don't have to tell myself anymore that I'm 'perfectly fine, perfectly fine', when I'm not.

One more thing, it's always darkest before the dawn. If not in nature, in life it often seems to be so.

First of all, I congratulate you on learning how to fully step back and let go! I don't know if I can really help, but I do know things from my own experiences.

I've found that it helps to let everyone have time out, whether it be time to themselves or time where they socialize. I just step back and let them do what they want (as long as it's not violent or unsafe or anything, of course).

For example, Cassie loves to play board games with my bf and his best friend (people I've trusted with telling them about myself and my DID). So at least once a week I'll let her have a game night with them, where it's just her having fun and playing games with people I/she knows and trusts. Basically, I let her be the kid she deserves to be. Kat enjoys drinking, so whenever we're in the mood, I usually let her out for either a good portion of the night or the whole night (I can always drink when I want later). She gets to let loose and have fun, and I feel better with her not feeling trapped or couped up. L.C. enjoys drawing and listening to music, so I try to set aside time where I just let her engulf herself in her own little world outside of my head. Ray simply loves attention, so I'll usually let her out to watch a movie or something with my/her bf. And despite not being out much, Rain loves watching movies/programs that provoke thinking and discussion, so I'll let her have a night to spend time with and talk with my/her bf, and sometimes his best friend as well. I find that if we share and balance the time we spend in control, even though I continue being the host it helps everyone to not feel trapped or lacking in attention. Some weeks I'm only out long enough to check this forum, do a few posts, and make sure I've got my chores done for the day, haha! Even though I'm the host, I can still have the least amount of time out at times, and I'm ok with that. I'm the host. I've spent the most time out for years. If I'm only out for a few hours over the span of a week, that's ok with me, just as long as we all work together and all still function appropriately when it's needed. Besides, we're pretty good about sharing our time out evenly and being fair about it. Perhaps now that you know how to step back and release the other parts of you, you can start letting them have time out to themselves, perhaps even a certain day a week to themselves or something. As for littles, you can always supervise and/or co-host if needed/if able to. Even though I take a step back, if Cassie's enjoying something out in public, I'm still watching to keep an eye on what goes on and just in case I'm needed for a situation.

I'm scared of integration as well, and certainly don't want it, which is why I worked with my alters to set up the time-sharing system we have now. It takes a bit to get used to completely switching voluntarily, but practice should help you. Try relaxing and calming yourself down before you try to allow yourself to step back. If you're more calm, you might be more aware of yourself and your alters, and might be able to step back with more ease. I know for a bit I had to close my eyes and breathe deeply each time, calling to whoever I wanted to come out, and then allowing myself to let go and not care so that they could fully come out.

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, though. You've done a great job as a host, and are still doing a great job. The fact that you recognize your alters so well and have such open communication is something you worked on and shouldn't sell yourself short on. Your posts are always so full of insight, and you always say it took you years to figure out what you have, but that doesn't matter. How long it took you to figure things out doesn't matter, it's the fact that you did figure them out that matter and that you should be proud of yourself for. It's not like you were TRYING to make your alters feel trapped or "chained". The fact that you've realized your dominating nature is progress, and I'm sure that despite your confusion, it's a good thing that will result in progress/growth with your system. I wish you the best of luck with this struggle.