Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

Nine months ago, our T explained that the physical sensations are a very strong indicator of something having happened. Sometimes it is possible to be detached from the feelings, but the physical sensation can still bleed through. We've had episodes of physical responses to certain stimuli and memories which have caused major problems for us as a system.

There was an incident about a month ago when something triggered a memory that had me doubled over and unable to move.

I hope this backs up what was said earlier.
Pippa

This have been alright for the most part, but last Thursday and Friday were really, really difficult.

I haven't talked about my health problems, but basically I've been getting frequent, recurring yeast infections and UTIs. I've been getting other symptoms of health issues as well, and since this stuff is all pretty new to me, I get really horrible health anxiety. I fear the worst, that I could have something life-threatening that I won't catch soon enough.
It has been a year of having recurring UTIs and yeast infections now.
When this all started up, I was getting digestive problems, which are not unusual for me, but these digestive problems I was getting (and still get) happened to be unusual even for me. I was diagnosed with IBS. I obviously won't get into those digestive problems I have, but I also get random sharp pain on the left side right under my rib. A doctor I saw months ago told me it as fine, "there's just muscle there", but I really suspect there's something more there. Especially because I noticed the left rib protrudes outwards. It has only been getting worse, it used to be more subtle but now it's more noticeable that my left rib protrudes outwards.
I really hate America. I hate that the healthcare system is like this. I hate that I can't just "lose weight!! Eat healthy!! Exercise!! Do your stretches!!" like all these annoying doctors expect me to do, to just magically fix all of my health problems.
My therapist has still been really helpful and caring and understanding.

Basically, what happened last Thursday is that I had an appointment for an OBGYN. I got there and they said they didn't take my insurance. The lady at the desk was kind enough to get me an appointment an hour later at a different place close by. We went there and waited a good 30/40 minutes (since it was useless to drive home and then drive back), I go in and start filling out paperwork.... Only for them to tell me they could not take me and that the doctor had left???
I was so upset and angry. I told them I'd just find another place and we left home.
When I got home, I realized I was on my period and I was getting horrible cramps, from hunger, my period, and IBS. It was awful. I was just lying in bed and found a comforting video to watch (laughing would hurt my stomach even more) until I eventually fell asleep.
And on Friday I had another horrible breakdown over how upset and angry I am over the healthcare system and my horrible health anxiety. I'm so, so scared that I could have a life-threatening illness. And I have no way to prove otherwise without a doctor taking me seriously instead of sending me home telling me to just lose weight, fix my diet, and exercise.
I'm so tired.
I had to call my therapist on Thursday because I couldn't do anything to help myself. I couldn't find a distraction because I knew I would still inevitably break down again over my anxiety. I mostly vented to her and she managed to help me enough. I haven't had another break down over my health anxiety again since; I definitely will in the future, this anxiety does not go away, but currently I'm just. Really trying to just get through the week.

********Trigger warning for suicide and self-harm.**********

....Regardless, I'm thankful to myself for being able to not harm myself during my break down on Friday before calling my therapist to help. I was so upset and angry, I wanted to self-harm or die (not necessarily to a point where I wanted to try and actually do anything, but still) and I was able to just... Be kind to myself.
'I'm not angry at myself, I'm not angry at my body or my brain, my body and brain are not to blame for struggling so badly. I'm angry at this ######6 country and this ######6 health care system and all of the fatphobic, ableist doctors. I shouldn't take out my anger and hurt on myself or my body, but the horrible health care system.'
I managed to, instead, take a water bottle and bang it on the ground (no-one was home in my household at the time) in order to release the adrenaline of anger and hurt I had.

********End trigger warning*********

It was highly unusual for me to find such a way to treat myself so gently and kindly, but I'm thankful for it. I was genuinely able to believe the words I was telling myself, that my body and my brain are not at fault for the way they are hurting. My body is hurting just as my brain is and neither are at fault for the way they seem to "work wrong."
I just wish I could get all parts of me to believe that...
Well, I'll believe it for them until they can believe it too.

I just wanted to update that things have been going so, so well lately and I haven't felt strong denial in a a while. I've slowly been able to figure us out better.

We had therapy yesterday and we talked about one of my parts named Sage. Sage considers himself an "academic professor alter" but he/we've never spoken about that observation about him before (it just didn't come up to mention it to our therapist) and my therapist mentioned that she notices that I do go into "academic/professor mode" and it made me so, so happy because it was something Sage always considered of himself internally, but just never mentioned to anyone, and for her to have noticed that made us so happy.. Sage cried a bit because he was so happy being recognized as himself.

Suffice to say, things have just been really, really good so far.

Ethanthealien! That is so wonderful. Sorry we didn't reply sooner But our alter Octavia is like that. Well, we all are at some level, but...Octavia is our librarian

We're very happy you're doing so well with your T.

Pippa

I'm not sure where to start.

I've had a lot of on and off breakdowns because of not really knowing who we are. I thought Sage fronted a lot, I thought he was a host, but since then, I haven't seen of him/heard of him around, and I haven't thought that he's been fronting. If he has been fronting, we're unaware of it.
But I've been having a lot of breakdowns over just. Not knowing who I am/who we are. Wishing I could figure out my alters.

I've wondered if I'm polyfragmented because I've always related to the experiences that people describe with polyfragmented DID, but it feels wrong to say that I could be polyfragmented because I just. Don't even know us much, if at all, to even say if I could be polyfragmented. But I also feel like polyfragmented (I'll refer to as PF from now on) makes so much sense to me, it feels the most validating and makes the most sense and it feels like, if I am PF, that's precisely why it feels like I can't figure us out.
I don't know.

I have therapy today and I want to bring it up with her.
I hear so many stories of other polyfragmented systems needing to get new therapists because they were "too complicated" for the therapists they had at first. And I guess I feel like if my therapist is going to invalidate the possibility of me being polyfragmented, then I'd like to know sooner so I can avoid the possibility of it in the future. I don't know.


I don't even know who "Ethan" is anymore. If I'm always conscious and aware of everything, how do I know I'm "Ethan" or a different alter? It's all so upsetting and frustrating to think about and try to figure out.
I know I don't have to know who I am at all times and that most systems experience this sort of thing at some points, but I feel like the only person with DID in the world who is like this. And no matter how many times people try to tell me that I'm not, that everyone with DID is exactly like me, it doesn't help because I still have yet to meet someone like this. Even the people I've met online who claimed to relate to me ended up having experiences that
I get people trying to claim that I must have OSDD instead of DID, as if my therapist made a mistake. It's frustrating.

And I know I act like and say that I just know absolutely nothing, but it's more like, it feels like the stuff I *do* know doesn't "count." That none of it is actually different alters.

I've already discussed these feelings with my therapist before. Not knowing who I am, not knowing my alters. I've told her that I feel like I can only definitively confirm the existence of ONE alter, named Sprite, and that I feel like no other alters I've identified can be confirmed.
I'm sure they can, but I just. Can't see it so far.

I've been feeling a lot of envy/jealousy towards systems who just. Know themselves.
I know that it is not that easy and it's much more complicated than that, but I wish I had any sense of identity at all whatsoever.
My therapist told me how even people without DID don't know themselves and it's unfair to expect myself to have to know however many other identities I have. Thinking about it that way helps a lot.

I've counted up to 40+ alters, of which I know there are many more that haven't been identified, but I don't know if I'm just. I don't know. Maybe it's all just a few alters that I've misidentified as many more, maybe some of them aren't really alters but I still have many, I don't know.

I've tried to ask this question multiple times to multiple different people and on multiple different platforms...
And each time I've gotten little to no helpful responses, or worse, get people trying to tell me about OSDD as an option instead of DID.
But.. How do I know if an alter is actually an alter when I don't black-out, don't experience "I completely separate from (the name we use, A.K.A Ethan), and don't experience super overt personality changes?
I feel like I explain this to people and they start questioning me on my diagnosis, like "are you sure you have DID, then?" or tell me it's OSDD.
But I do have this disorder.
I am diagnosed for a reason.
Because I DO experience these things.
I DO experience amnesia, I DO experience personality changes - ever so slightly - and I DO experience varying levels of connection and disconnection from the name Ethan.
But it's not like I'm going to start thinking and labelling myself as someone completely different, if/when I do experience those things? I never just identify myself as someone else and I don't feel like anyone else. I don't know. How do I know an alter is an alter? I'm sure I've asked this question before on this forum, I don't know, and I also know there there IS no answer to this question because we truly CAN'T know "for sure."
I guess, what advice would you give? I don't know.

Polyfragmented describes the structure of a dissociated person. The structure can change a lot through time, this is why PF is not seen as a diagnosis possibility. Because it does not matter from a therapy point of view if you are PF or not, what matters is "how to make you feel better?".

I might have been seen as PF in the sense of, some of my alters used to be hundreds of similar, small alters in a trenchcoat, all functionning together like a school of fish or a swarm of birds, using one collective name. Of course, this is one possibility among many to experience being PF. Other PF persons experience it differently.

Identity confusion is not synonymous with being PF. One can experience identity confusion and be a singlet, one can be PF and never experience identity confusion. There might be a link between the two but it is not somthing that happens all the time. I have experienced similar confusion with "Zami" in the past, especially when they fully realized they were one alter in a system, not an independant being, and it messed with their head for a while. I do agree it is a very unpleasant experience. It has nothing to do with having this or that diagnosis, and it does NOT invalidate your diagnosis.

When the inner structure of the system reorganizes, it can also lead to confusion, time for things to settle down. The system is always moving and reorganizing depending on what you need as a whole on a daily basis. The first times you become aware of it is always a huge confusion. After a while, in my own system, when it was "reorganization time" I would see a huge "work in progress" road sign inside instead of the blank and confusion of the beginning. It helps feelin less panicky.

Knowing yourself takes time. Also, not all systems who look like they know, ALWAYS know. Once I grew used to the reorganizations and reshufflings I stopped posting about "I am confused" and just waited for things to settle before posting "okay, new system map!" so the "confusion" stage no longer appears in my journey thread. Because you cannot see it, does not mean it's not here.

It's okay to never know exactly 100% of your system. You do your best, work with who you see right now, and it's already good enough.

Also seriously, OSDD just because of identity confusion? That's not how it works. From what I understand, it's DID as long as you have enough dissociation so that a big enough part of your system is percieved as "not me". If you don't know where most of your system is, well that's DID from how I understand things, because in OSDD it's "okay, me-1, me-2, me-3, me-4... oh, me-5, havent seen me-5 in a long time, hello buddy-me!" Also, amnesia that are more than the usual forgtfulness of human brain, that's DID too.

So, my advice?

Have a cup of tea or hot cocoa, sit, breathe. And ask your system to put up a "work in progress" roadsign when things are being re-shuffled so that it's less confusing for you.

I'd like to add that we still go through phases of 'who am I specifically'.

I don't know if this has happened to others, but as the more passive influence of the others has died down I've started to go 'who am I specifically' and felt some level of identity confusion.

Sometimes I've posted and signed my name and not been sure if that was true.

Just thought I'd post that to help bolster that you aren't alone in those feelings.

Take care,
Vi

I don't feel that I may be polyfragmented simply because of identity confusion, I feel that I may be polyfragmented because I have always strongly related to the experiences that people with polyfragmented DID have described. I am not very worried about whether or not I am or am not polyfragmented - so far, it does not matter to me - I moreso want to be able to figure out if I'm polyfragmented because it feels like it would make a lot of sense and would validate my experiences and such. It's just nice to have a word to describe your experiences, I understand that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I'm polyfragmented or not, it's just nice to have an explanation, y'know? There's many other reasons that I feel I may be polyfragmented other than stuff I listed in the post, but some other things have come up lately that I'd rather talk about.

************TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE***************

Last Wednesday (2 days ago), I spoke a lot about sexual abuse with my therapist, particularly about one of my child alters who had been fronting lately. He hasn't fronted since last Tuesday, but he was fronting before then.
I kept getting the feeling that he (my child alter) wanted to tell something, about trauma that he remembers. But that I haven't been able to get him to really front to say it; he mostly fronts in short snippets at nighttime before bed (the bed appears to be a trigger for him, both out of feeling safe and feeling afraid?).
I talked to my therapist as well about how I have memories of being at strangers' houses without having any kind context for what was going on, what was happening, why we were there, or if my memories of those houses and strangers are even real memories. Particularly I have a memory of being at someone's house - it seems/seemed like a big house in my memories(?), definitely a rich person living there - and how there was a hot tub and a pool. I was there with my dad, I don't remember my brother being there, if he was there at all, I don't remember why we were there, what we were doing, who any of the people were, or if that memory is even real. I..She asked me if she felt that I could have been sexually abused by other people (with both of us understanding that she's not trying to implant some false memories or whatever - I just don't want people reading to think that she's doing something bad here) and I admitted that I've actually wondered if my dad could have trafficked me for months now.. Themes of trafficking and being sold sexually have come up in my artwork and writing, both intentionally in that I was purposely drawing artwork and writing things pertaining to sexual abuse, but also not intentionally thinking that any of the trafficking themes that came up were pertaining to any kind of reality of mine.
Since that appointment, I've opened up to more of my friends (where I did not open up to them about any of this stuff beforehand) about all of this stuff and they've helped me realize other things that are red flags that I didn't know were strange.
I lived in a stranger's basement around the age of 6. We weren't allowed upstairs - as in, where the people who lived there were. We had to ask to go up there to use the bathroom.
I moved around a lot since birth - I never had a stable home. The most stable home I had was a home we lived in with my grandma and grandpa - my dad's parents - in a specific state - but we did not live there consistently. I was jumping from different homes and between two different states a lot as a very young child.
There are other things too that feel like they point towards sex trafficking, but they're too personal to possible trauma to say.
No-one can tell whether or not I was or was not trafficked, I just want to talk about this. If you happen to know any resources FOR survivors of child sex trafficking specifically, that would be really appreciated. Even if I was not, at least I will have learned things.

************END TRIGGER WARNING**************

I've been really distraught on and off since then - I just keep thinking about all of this, wanting to find resources. I need to keep reminding myself to find a distraction, but no distractions work. I keep getting distracted by thinking about it all over again and I can't find myself enjoying any of my other interests to even be able to distract myself with.

Sending a lot of moral support. It is very heavy trauma that is resurfacing. I have a lot of compassion for all of yous.

I wish were better at giving words of comfort.

The writing can be a bit of an indicator regarding both what might have happened and what your system wanted to have happen. In my writing, one of my characters faced abuse of several kinds until she was older and was rescued by a loving family. My character's original family was loving but very broken and always fighting and blind to the abuses that were going on.

I often write of themes of abuse, isolation, and the like. Before accepting being a system, I kept writing my character as having an 'inner dialogue' with many different voices. Sometimes writing and art can end up showing us what we don't remember and don't want to think of.

I hope things go well and that therapy helps. Just remember, you are strong and you will get through this.

Take care of yourself and I hope your friends are there to support you too.
Vi