Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

I haven't updated because I wasn't sure I wanted to until I saw my therapist again. She asked me questions about my experiences (not just dissociation) and next Wednesday, this coming Wednesday, we'll go over the results. I don't think I'll be diagnosed this soon, I never expected to, but mostly right now because most of the questions in the dissociation section talked about experiences I don't have or don't know if I have, but don't think I have. So I don't think she knows my experiences well enough to be able to say if I have it from the questions she asked alone and I think I said too many "no" or "I don't know" as answers to the questions.

I asked her feelings on repressed memories and her response really upset me. She said that she felt people who remember previously repressed memories are rare and that she thinks false memories can be easily created because a lot of people will want to find an explanation for things they don't understand and why they are the way they are, so they unintentionally think something traumatic happened when it didn't. I just kinda shut my mouth and felt upset and invalidated, I haven't even spoken about what I think my memory is that I remembered, but her saying all that made me really embarrassed, upset, and even less likely to open up.
The questions went on and later at the end after the questions she mentioned how she noticed I seemed like I could've been dissociating when we talked about repressed memories and such and I said how I felt sad and worried that she might invalidate my experiences. She explained how she does fully believe that they happen and that they usually happen to people with cases where they already have a lot of PTSD signs and dissociation but that she's usually more skeptical if someone "only has depression or anxiety and nothing else" which I guess is fair. She said she would fully believe and validate me since I already do have a lot of signs and whatnot. I still felt upset after it, even though I guess she said she wouldn't invalidate me or anything.


My denial is getting really bad, I feel more suicidal too (trigger warning for upcoming suicidal thoughts).
I always feel like if I get told that I don't have DID, I still wouldn't be able to stop wondering about it. I feel like I've been deluding myself so much and I can't go back and I feel like the only way I'd ever be able to stop this questioning Hell is to just kill myself. I'm in so much agony, I can't remember the last time I've felt agony this way, just questioning and not knowing and being terrified that I'm deluding myself. I can't stop! I can't stop deluding myself, I can't stop this questioning.
I don't get the extreme, obvious blackouts people always talk about, I don't even have "imaginary friends" or "characters in my head" or identify as different people. How can I still have DID if I don't experience these? If I don't feel like I'm entirely separate people or if I don't feel like my supposed alters are "not me", how is it that I could still have DID? I don't have "characters" or "imaginary friends" or "beings" that speak to me in my head, or characters or whatever that I "identify as." I don't change my name all the time or feel as if I'm multiple people - in fact the thought of people viewing my supposed alters as separate individuals greatly discomforts me, and isn't it supposed to be the opposite effect if I truly did have DID? If I truly had DID, why can I still not even confirm if I really have alters?
I'm in so much agony. I just want to stop questioning once and for all, but no matter how many times I tried, I can't, and no matter how many times people will just continue telling me "but Ethan that's normal for DID!" it won't change anything. Even if a therapist sat me down and told me that I 100% do not have DID, I couldn't believe them, and that makes me deluded, and yet I couldn't believe them if they told me the opposite either. That makes me a horrible person. There's no escape from all of the agony I'm in.

This really is an agonizing stage to be in.
For me it sometimes helps to realize that no matter the diagnosis, it doesn't change what I'm dealing with. It is only a label/name. A diagnosis "is" nothing, it's not a clear thing. It's a name for symptoms that often cluster together. Some people say: "I can't focus on boring tasks because I have ADHD", but that is actually circular reasoning: you were diagnosed with ADHD because you can't focus on boring tasks (among other things).
It sounds like there are clearly signs of trauma and hopefully your T can come up with a plan that will help you be bothered less by that. Whatever the name for it is... it's most important to find tools that help.

-- Sun Oct 30, 2022 8:29 am --

This really is an agonizing stage to be in.
For me it sometimes helps to realize that no matter the diagnosis, it doesn't change what I'm dealing with. It is only a label/name. A diagnosis "is" nothing, it's not a clear thing. It's a name for symptoms that often cluster together. Some people say: "I can't focus on boring tasks because I have ADHD", but that is actually circular reasoning: you were diagnosed with ADHD because you can't focus on boring tasks (among other things).
It sounds like there are clearly signs of trauma and hopefully your T can come up with a plan that will help you be bothered less by that. Whatever the name for it is... it's most important to find tools that help.

I appreciate the response, that does help, especially "you were diagnosed with (X) because of (X)"

I just had a really emotionally cathartic conversation with my close friend who has DID (and has been diagnosed with it for a couple years now). I'm not sure how to explain it with words of retelling it, so I'll just copy and paste our chatlogs (with some editing to make it more grammatically correct for the Forum):

ME: There's that thing that everyone does where you just naturally daydream until you suddenly realize you've been daydreaming? I get that with all this stuff.

HER: I mean, yeah, but people don't write out angry messages while they are daydreaming and then "come to." That's not daydreaming, that's dissociating..

ME: I mean... Where you suddenly realize that what you've been doing is daydreaming. I get that feeling in a "I suddenly realize I've been roleplaying/faking or playing out a daydream".... I'm, uh. Laughing internally nervously suddenly realizing you might be right

HER: That's not daydreaming, Ethan! That's not what people do when they daydream, that's textbook switching behavior!

ME: But it's... But it's the feeling of like.. "Oh, I just realized I've been roleplaying, I feel embarrassed now and need to take back everything I've done/said and explain that I've just been roleplayng-".... I'm crying and realizing I think you're right. That... that's switching, isn't it?

HER: Yes!

To be clear, my friend isn't diagnosing me, she always goes out of her way to do the opposite, actually. Just as a word of caution. But anyways.
My entire life makes sense, now. I cried a lot with this realization.
I just thought it was normal!! Everyone says stuff and takes them back!! Is what I thought. Usually things that hurt people, but "everyone says and does stuff and then takes back what they said/did" I didn't think this was unusual.
How I used to want to stress to people "no I swear this time this (hobby/"identity") will stay/won't go away!" and my intense fear every alter feels when they front "for the first time" and feel afraid and angry about "never being able to come back."

For the longest time I thought my mental health had improved. Like quite a lot to a point I still sometimes feel like I don't really have any problems. And I thought that I already accepted that I've been abused and have early childhood trauma and somehow I think I accidentally unconsciously expected that to be "It." Like "that's all there is to it; I know that he's abusive and has been traumatizing me" but that is definitely not how it works.
I feel so happy and relieved.

My next therapy appointment will be on Wednesday (it is currently Sunday). I will update when I can.

That's how switching feels for me too. Sometimes it was worse, but I'll start talking in someone else's voice and then I feel disconnected from what is going on. Sometimes we talk and then 'hand over' (or not sometimes). It's how we slowly hand over to cause the least amount of disruption.

I wish you luck with your therapist session.

I don't even know if it feels like I'm dissociating. "Oh, I just realized I've been roleplaying, I feel embarrassed now and need to take back everything I've done/said and explain that I've just been roleplayng-" perfectly encapsulates how it feels for me. It doesn't feel like anything else to me, it feels exactly like that.

Words have always been difficult for me, trying to "conceptualize" things and understand things, especially when it comes to the language used to describe DID experiences, it's really confusing and frustrating for me. I can never really relate to the language people use to describe their dissociative experiences or their experiences of alters/DID/etc. I've had this problem for as long as I can remember and it has brought so much frustration and anger when trying to understand DID and understand what I experience. I don't know if this is because of my autism, alexithymia, both, or what, but I've never met anyone else who so badly struggles with Words like this. I can't understand experiences in any way except my own language that I use myself to describe then, and if I try to figure out if I experience certain things, I come up blank, like "no, I don't experience that" or "I don't know if I experience that" because the language I use to describe my experiences, not just DID, is so specific to me and I can't understand if what I experience is actually the same as another experience.
To explain what I mean by that, here's an example:
"Do you feel as if you have feelings/thoughts/etc. that aren't yours?" No, I don't, or at least I wouldn't say I do. But I experience the feeling of "I said/did/etc. things that I did/said/etc. and I just realized I was acting/saying that stuff and I was wrong and need to take it all back because it's not true and-" which is literally the same as "I have feelings/thoughts/etc. that don't feel like my own." But I wouldn't describe it that way! And I would say I don't really relate to that experience. Even though I do!
It's like, I have to figure out if I experience or relate to stuff in really alternative ways.

We all have that issue regarding language. To paraphrase a favorite author of mine, 'language developed as a means for one ape to tell another ape where the best food is'. It isn't necessarily great at explaining what is going on individually.

When I (Vi) dissociate, I feel like a balloon floating upward. My body may be capable of continuing my actions, but I feel disconnected from them. Imagine being perched on the shoulder of someone playing a video game. My body may be continuing to do what it wants to, but I am not connected to it.

When I slow switch, I usually have a conversation with myself. So, for instance, I (Vi) start talking to Pippa. Her voice is distinct from mine, and we talk about something. Now, imagine being an actor on stage, Pippa has entered stage right, had a dialogue with me, and then I exit stage left. Her voice becomes that which is heard on stage and her thoughts and feelings are those seen by the audience. I may stand in the wings and wait for my next turn.

When there is a panic switch, it's more like someone storms on stage and I get pushed into the wings. So, there's an emergency and Octavia needs the stage. I get pushed off and she takes over.

I hope that this makes it more relatable. Still, this is me trying to sort out how to explain something our language isn't designed for.

Take care,
Vi

It doesn't feel relatable, but I never really relate to the ways people describe being dissociated. I always try to figure out if I'm dissociating, but the words people use to describe what dissociation is almost never feels relatable. It's why I've always said and felt like I genuinely don't dissociate. I'm sure I probably do, but "I don't feel real" and "The world around me isn't real" aren't relatable experiences to me, and that sure puts me in denial.
I don't know how much I'm dissociating, and I never really know when I'm dissociating. I can barely describe my feelings ever, so dissociation is a whole different can of worms.

I can't even remember times I noticed myself dissociating to even know what it feels like I just explained everything as me faking or something. Like I say or do things and then because I was saying things that "I don't even think/feel/believe/etc.", I always explained it as me... Pretending somehow? I thought it was under the same situation where people will daydream scenarios where they're, like. I don't know, a hero, or getting sympathy from others, etc.

*****Trigger warning for mentioning rape and self-harm:*****
For example, there was this one time in particular. I don't remember what I was distressed over, I only vaguely remember this day, it was in person with my boyfriend in our room, and I was distressed and I vaguely remember consistently trying to bash my head on the wall and saying stuff like "I deserved to be raped" and such.
*****End trigger warning.*****

I thought that I was just saying stuff and doing this stuff for attention. I always explained it this way, or at least felt internally that that's what I was doing. That I was saying stuff and doing stuff to get attention. In reality, I'm realizing that it was other parts saying/doing these things and I wasn't feeling connected to them at all and didn't actually feel those ways so I thought that I was just... Saying stuff I didn't actually feel/think/believe for attention.

As of November 2, 2022, (ha) I'm officially diagnosed with DID! She said that so far that's the diagnosis that she does believe I have and we'll be going forward with that.
I told her about this big realization I had when I spoke with my friend and she agreed that I was describing switching. I feel so happy and relieved, I haven't been deluding myself! I got the confirmation I needed!
I don't have much else to upset about quite yet, but I will update as things go on.
Thank you to this forum for providing so much support, care, and even more education on DID.

CONGRATULATIONS !!!!

We're so happy for you, and a little jealous, but mostly very happy. Good luck!