Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

I know it was common for dissociated memories to be, like, you are watching in third person for example, but I thought that it was odd that this memory was like watching outside the door. In that particular memory, I'm not entirely sure the door was closed, it might've been opened, I'm not sure, but if it was, that would make more sense to me, but at least if the door was closed, I feel better knowing that that doesn't lessen the legitimacy of that memory.

On a different note, one of our most vulnerable child alters fronted last night, at least I think it was him, but it could've been a different child alter. He usually fronts every so often if I'm very high, which, I was this time. But this time he was very strongly in control, partially because we knew that it was just us and my partner who were home, so I/that part felt more okay and comfortable, with, like.. Letting him be more present I suppose? But as things usually go when he gets triggered to front sometimes, my partner and I were going to lie down in our bed, usually that what that part likes, is to just be held and kept safe with our tiger plushie that he really loves. But it was too dark in the room and that caused, either a trigger or a flashback I'm not sure. We use Christmas lights to light up our room because the main light is too bright. We couldn't turn the light on in time and I just ended up being really terrified and crying a lot. Because of sexual abuse happening at nighttime. It took me a surprising amount of time to fully calm down after that. I ended up still bursting out crying again and then just felt angry. Just a lot of anger bubbling inside me, towards my dad.
I've had moments in the past where I've had, what I thought were panic attacks of some sort, at nighttime because of darkness. I know there were at least two different times, but I can only really remember the last time, when I was 14 and I was just panicking because of the darkness, terrified to move, keeping my back to the wall, like a meme where someone's scared there are demons in the dark and so they keep their back to the wall so as to be able to look around them. I have no idea what happened that night, or any other time I might've experienced these weird panic attacks from nighttime/darkness.
I know at least in middle school, I remember telling some friends that I was really afraid of the dark, but at the time, I thought I was lying because it's just... Not true? I'm not afraid of the dark and I've never been, to my personal knowledge. So I thought that I was just lying to my friends, and at the time I said it, I said it while consciously knowing that it wasn't true. So I don't know.

It does sound like some sort of emotional flashback. One part/alter does NOT contain the trigger and can say "I am not afraid of the dark" without lying. And another DOES contain the trigger and it will be a lie when they say "I am not afraid of the dark".

Dissociation makes both "afraid" and "not afraid" true at the same time.

I've been doing so badly lately
I'm pretty sure I have ARFID
I haven't really vented about my food issues and I don't really feel like explaining them, but I'm pretty sure it's ARFID. My therapist said she isn't trained in EDs, but that she was going to look into ARFID.
Overall, I've just. Been doing so bad
Can't eat, haven't really been sleeping "right"
I kept feeling really depressed and suicidal at times. I haven't in a couple of days, but I suspect that it'll come back by the time Friday/Saturday roles around. I've just noticed that I think weekdays might be my Depression Days somehow, cause I often look back and realize that my depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings come back around weekends, I think.
I've been doing so bad that I feel like I may have to go back to a psychiatric hospital. But I really don't want to because it's so stressful and anxiety-inducing and I don't want to deal with nurses and doctors being rude about my DID somehow and I don't want to deal with the anxiety around strangers I don't know, oftentimes much older people who end up hitting on me and I :\ I hate it all. And psychiatric hospitals won't help me anyways because the cause of my depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings are quite literally unfixable. Can't find doctors who will help me with my health. Live in a world in which I am expendable. So why bother.

(TW for talk of organized (sexual) abuse and sexual abuse in general)
I had a really good discussion with my friend last night. They said that my dad is one of the most horrifying parents they've ever heard about, and I keep thinking about that.
I went my whole life believing and accepting that my life has been fairly average and normal, with "mild problems."
And I still deny that I have it "THAT" bad, that my childhood growing up was "THAT" bad.
And I've been so convinced of this truth, I'm not allowed to say that my experiences were "THAT" bad. I'm not allowed to claim that I have experienced anything "THAT" bad, or anything extreme, because I went my whole life believing that I did not experience anything that would warrant being labelled as "severe" or "extreme."
After the discussion with my friend, I feel like I am allowed to say it, for the first time in my entire life.
I'm allowed to say that my dad was genuinely a heinous, despicable person and that the abuse and trauma I've experienced was "THAT" bad.
And not just severe, but "newsworthy story about this person's horrific abuse as a child" bad.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm allowed to say that I went through really horrific and severe things.
Like I went my whole life believing that I did not go through anything "THAT" bad, because I went my whole life believing that none of my experiences were "THAT" bad, that they were "THAT" severe, "THAT" extreme, and I feel like I Can now, for the first time in my life. Like I can say it, I can say that I went through extreme things, and most likely extreme things that I don't even remember.

I started trying a new medication last week on Thursday, and it actually helps me.
My health just keeps getting worse and I had an appointment on the 14th of Sept. that I've been waiting for because I have not been able to find a gastroenterologist at ALL and my doctor said she would look for one for me and see if they can help me and she prescribed medication that has been actually helping me so much. I've been doing so much better.

I'm glad that you are on medication that is helping as finding a gastrointerologist who can help or will help is a bit difficult.

Violette

I hope this new medication continues to help you. And I hope things get better soon/are getting better.

I'm glad your friend helped you to accept the reality of your abuse and I hope this acceptance is helping. Sometimes suicidal feeling stem from parts who feel like they will never be heard because if you who's body actually went through the abuse won't believe them when they share their memories then who will ever believe them. I'm not saying that is definitely the root of your suicidal thoughts but it could have been a factor and if it was I hope that part feels more listened to and like there is the chance at a glimmer of hope.

Afrid sucks does it come in cycles for you or is it constant? When your body is in survival mode (and yours is) a calorie is a calorie try not to beat yourselves up about the restrictions or obsess with nutritional values. Just thank whoever ate when they are able to eat. Both our partner system and our irl kid suffer from cyclical afrid we always have a choice of reducing portion size of the meal I have made or eating their comfort food (my partner system has in the past spent weeks existing on tinned manderins) when they need to take either of those options i always thank them profusely for joining us at the dinner table and we eat together with a pleasant atmosphere. Ed's are not something that can be cured diy style but by taking the shame away you can avoid making the spiral any deeper. Have multivitamins on hand so if there is a moment where the afrid allows it you can too up on your essential nutrients. But again don't stress about it, just view it as a bonus when you can and be really positive when it happens and when it doesn't don't even register the fact that it doesn't, there must be no shame or disappointment. Hope this helps

Big hugs if anyone wants them.

-- Fri Sep 22, 2023 5:33 am --

I'm glad your friend helped you to accept the reality of your abuse and I hope this acceptance is helping. Sometimes suicidal feeling stem from parts who feel like they will never be heard because if you who's body actually went through the abuse won't believe them when they share their memories then who will ever believe them. I'm not saying that is definitely the root of your suicidal thoughts but it could have been a factor and if it was I hope that part feels more listened to and like there is the chance at a glimmer of hope.

Afrid sucks does it come in cycles for you or is it constant? When your body is in survival mode (and yours is) a calorie is a calorie try not to beat yourselves up about the restrictions or obsess with nutritional values. Just thank whoever ate when they are able to eat. Both our partner system and our irl kid suffer from cyclical afrid we always have a choice of reducing portion size of the meal I have made or eating their comfort food (my partner system has in the past spent weeks existing on tinned manderins) when they need to take either of those options i always thank them profusely for joining us at the dinner table and we eat together with a pleasant atmosphere. Ed's are not something that can be cured diy style but by taking the shame away you can avoid making the spiral any deeper. Have multivitamins on hand so if there is a moment where the afrid allows it you can too up on your essential nutrients. But again don't stress about it, just view it as a bonus when you can and be really positive when it happens and when it doesn't don't even register the fact that it doesn't, there must be no shame or disappointment. Hope this helps

Big hugs if anyone wants them.

Thanks for all the kind responses

My eating issues are really difficult to explain. It's an every day problem for me, with very rare times where it's mostly - and only mostly - not a problem.
My diet is already extremely limited because of my health issues, but it's also the fact that I don't know what foods I like (for some reason?) and can't find foods I like and the ONLY way - and I mean this very literally - I can eat something is if I specifically am in the mood to eat it. Otherwise, it feels like I'm a child being forced to eat vegetables they don't want to eat. Sometimes I'll end up feeling like I want to gag or something, like I'm repulsed by eating something, even though I PHYSICALLY am not and I Know that I like the food.
I'm still really badly and desperately struggling with my food issues, there's currently no solution for it. It's not anything with my body weight or anything, it's literally just that I have a very limited diet already; don't know what foods I like; can't bring myself to eat any foods unless I am VERY SPECIFICALLY wanting to eat it, and if I try to force myself to eat a food when I don't want to, it's just very difficult, if not impossible. I will just Not eat food for hours until I finally cave and find something I feel like eating. It's not like I can just eat a quick snack just to get in a calorie, I just literally can't eat at all, I literally would rather starve than force myself to eat a food I don't want to eat (even though I know I like the food) and I hate it. Like, I don't have a comfort food, I actually seriously don't. I have no comfort foods.
I can't take multivitamins because they gave me constipation; as in, "it had been maybe 3 weeks or more and I hadn't had a single bowel movement" type of constipation. So generally I can't take multivitamins I tried gummy ones too, but they just caused by digestive issues to flare up again, I can't remember what specifically they caused, but I know they were bad and not worth it.
Somehow my digestive issues have gotten so bad that I have been reduced to nothing but sandwiches and buttered noodles. I really hope I can get a diagnosis of what's going on with my digestive problems soon, so I can get a dietician

Okay, we understand all of that and can we ask if you find certain textures or tastes to be repulsive? Also, do you react badly to, say, wheat (breads and such)? It is possible that the multivitamin you are taking has something in it that you react to physically. Do you have bad reactions to certain foods?

We're not asking for answers, but for you to consider these so you can talk to your doctors. There are a lot of possible issues that it could be and we wouldn't even try to pin them down for you.

And we do understand about a limited diet. We have a list of foods we can't eat either because they cause gastrointestinal or sensory issues, and it's a pretty long list. We created it in order to be able to talk to our doctors.

We do hope you can find answers soon,
Violette

No, it's not a sensory thing; there are ofc textures and such in foods I can't stand, but it's such a mild thing that it may as well not be an issue. However, I'm sure you know this already, but ARFID can be about other things that aren't just sensory-related. Like, in the criteria for getting diagnosed with ARFID, I meet the criteria of not having interest in eating food, for example.
I have bad reactions to any and all foods for the most part; I'm lucky if I find a food that doesn't affect my IBS and acid reflux/indigestion.
Also those multivitamins I was taking was from weeks ago, I stopped taking them weeks ago. Multivitamins tend to cause constipation for a lot of people, so I'm not concerned about that.
I've already... Talked to my doctor? I thought I stated here in this thread that I... Talked to my doctor about all of this? She gave me medication that has been helping? I said she was going to try and help me find a gastroenterologist? I'm just venting about my problems here, not really looking for advice, I've already talked to my doctor about this.