Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

I appreciate all of the support everyone. It is very heavy and I've been struggling. I talked to my friend about everything yesterday while we went out and got ice cream and it was really nice. I needed to leave the house and do something as a break, so it was nice to be able to hang out with her. She was really supportive and validating. I'm just glad I have my friends and my boyfriend and a therapist here with me to cope with this all. I can't describe how grateful I am for my friends and my boyfriend and my therapist.

It's been a while since I've updated. I just haven't known what to update in a while.

Yesterday's session was really good. Scary, but good.


*************TRIGGER WARNING: SEX TRAFFICKING / SEXUAL ABUSE MENTIONS*************

I don't remember what details I've given here, and I don't feel like going back to re-read, so as a recap, or as a summary of things, in case I haven't spoken about this stuff: I've been questioning if I could've gone through trafficking as a child for a while now, and lately programming as well. I've written things and drawn things about these kinds of subjects, and I've been agonizing over them of course, feeling like I'm just making things up. Very vile and graphic things, and I've shared some stuff with my therapist and we've talked about these things, and yesterday we talked a lot more in-depth about things and I said how I just feel like.. These things I've drawn and written are just way too "out there", too "impossible" and couldn't have happened in my childhood. They feel like stuff out of a movie; a completely different universe and dimension. And it feels like things that couldn't have happened, not in my life and not with what I know about my life and not with what I know about my dad. And I said to my therapist this stuff and how I was worried that she would agree, that none of it could have happened with what she knows about me and what she knows about my life. And she.. Was the opposite. She said she didn't want to say anything before, but that she fully believes it and fully believes that even "worse" stuff might've happened, and she doesn't at all think that it's too "out there" or impossible, not with what she knows about me, and what I've told her about my life and my dad. She said it makes Sense, makes complete sense in the context of my life, in what she knows about me now. And obviously that is scary, but it's so validating, beyond validating, I can't even wrap my head around how happy I feel, how validated I feel, how relieved I feel.
To think nothing that bad happened to me and here I am now realizing I very strongly could have experienced "very extreme abuse and trauma."
Like, it's terrifying, but it was the validation I needed. Even if that's scary.
I'm gonna be thinking about this all for a long time. Every session with her, I'm validated and validated all over again, and I just feel so happy.

**********************END TRIGGER WARNING**********************

Remembering is scary but validation is important. Moreover, you existing today is proof that you are badass enough to survive the bad things from the past.

HI!!!
I'm finally back!!
I forgot this site existed (again) for the longest time and each time I remembered it, I wanted to update again, but didn't feel like it and I was never sure what to say. I finally have the urge to update.

We seem to have been developing a host change - I don't know if she's fronting right now, but her name's Emily and she seems to be exactly what we've been needing. Just.. A break from all of the trauma and abuse stuff, and not feeling so.. Miserable, I don't know.
It's not like we were struggling that much before, but we had such a hard time just Not focusing so much on "did this really happen? Are we just delusional? Am I just being led to believe fake things?" and so on and so forth, it was miserable. And with Emily, we aren't focused on that, we're focused on the here and now, and we're focused on just living and trying to be stable.

****TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE MENTION, AS WELL AS "MIND CONTROL/PROGRAMMING"****
I hadn't talked about it on here, but for a while, I've wondered about the possibility of being programmed. I currently can't remember a proper source that explains what programming is exactly, but I opened up to my therapist about it a bit ago and she agrees that she feels I was programmed, too. Next time I see her, I plan on asking her to expand on that, on Why she feels that I was, but yeah.
I wish I could give more details, but I just can't remember them at this moment :lol

I asked my mom about my early childhood, and she said that apparently my oldest brother, who accused my dad of sexually abusing him, had lived with us for about 3 years. I never knew this. But knowing that really surprised me. It feels like it confirmed that, like.. My dad very much could have sexually abused him - he had direct contact with him for those years, and direct contact with him only a year or two before my older brother had accused my dad of sexually abusing him. And since it's even more possible that my dad truly did that, then it feels more plausible that my dad did that to me too.

I keep having this internal cold reaction to certain things, things that I presume are triggering me, based off of that cold reaction?
Every time it happens, I doubt myself and think "no, it's not a flashback, you're being dramatic" or I believe that it's just a placebo, like I made it happen, or I think that it's happening, when it's not. Especially because it has happened many times when trafficking conversations were brought up. When I noticed it back then, I always wrote it off, and after some time, I finally decided to really keep track of when it happens, and.. For sure, yeah, it comes up during certain sexual abuse topics, amongst other things that I feel are triggering things for me... And I've made sure to really, like.. Try and take note of if I ever notice it any other times, and I really haven't, that I've noticed, so I guess I'm wondering, for sake of my sanity, if that's common with anyone else too? This internal cold feeling, it feels.. Different from feeling cold from, say, being outside in winter. I mostly feel it in my arms. I end feeling like I'm freezing cold.
*********END TRIGGER WARNING**********

In other words, I have no idea how to close this post out

What you describe as "an internal cold feeling" can be consistent with a "freeze" trauma response. This is how the vagus nerve makes us "freeze" on spot when we engage into survival mode.

Porges has written books about the polyvagal theory explaining the neurological mecanism of this. You can also find infographies if you google "polyvagal theory".

Thanks, that makes sense

I don't really update this thread and go on this site as often as I'd like to, ha.

My therapist has been nothing but perfect, but we have such horrible trust issues and denial that now my brain is worried that she's one of those therapists that is "convincing" me I went through trauma that I didn't go through. I feel this way towards my friends too, and just anyone in general, I'm always afraid that I'm being "convinced that false things are true" or something, so this isn't exclusive to her.
She's said in the past that doesn't feel that I might've been trafficked, so I feel like that should be enough to show that she's Not doing that, but I have such terrible trust issues. And I don't feel like I could've been trafficked either, and yet my brain still questions.
I just wish I knew the trust, I guess.
I don't wanna do this anymore, I want answers.. I don't want to be led on to believe something like any of this stuff could've happened if nothing like this actually happened. I just wish I had answers.. I wish I understood why my brain still wonders, even though my therapist said that she doesn't feel like trafficking is a possibility. I'm not really upset that she feels that way, cause I mean. I don't believe it either and I don't Want to keep wondering about it, and yet I do. How do I know if I'm wrong.. If this truly never happened, I hate myself for allowing myself to question if it did happen to me for so many months now, I don't even know if it's been about a year or so at this point since the idea first even popped into my head. And how do I know if she really is one of those therapists?
I don't really expect people to have an answer to either of these things, I'm more just rambling to the void

I realize I already gave an update on this, but I've actually been doing really well lately and this questioning stuff no longer overwhelms me and takes over my life. My denial isn't all-consuming anymore and often isn't there anymore. At least for now, I've been doing really good.
I've also been better noticing what triggers us, and how, and other details of like what things are possibly triggering switches. It's made things feel a bit clearer to me, like in terms of being able to better see now, like.. Awareness, I guess. Like before when you're first finding out you might have DID, you're like oh God I don't see any of the symptoms I'm faking why do I think I could have this, I clearly have no symptoms!- and then now I'm seeing things better and they feel like they make more sense now, even with regards to possibly trauma/abuse, at least in terms of my dad having sexually abused me, possibly.

*************Trigger warning for sexual abuse and details of sexual harassment, probably?*****

I know it's just a positive thought for now and won't last long, but maybe I truly was never sexually abused, at all, by my dad, in any way, but certain topics trigger me that have to do with topics that at least tells me I felt uncomfortable around my dad enough to feel grossed out and uncomfortable and Icky when I think about and talk about certain things my dad would do and say, and I'm triggered by topics surrounding father/daughter incest. Like, for example, people will share screenshots of like a dad talking about his daughter on FaceBook and it's really weird and uncomfortable stuff, and that kind of thing triggers me, it makes me really grossly uncomfortable. And like, even if I'm really in denial that my dad might've sexually abused me, especially me and my therapist suspect he sexually abused me at a very early age, even if I'm in denial of that, I at least can, like.. See and notice that such topics make me uncomfortable and trigger me and maybe it's not because I was sexually abused, but instead just because of how uncomfortable my dad made me in general.
I don't know if I can call some of the things he's done/said sexual harassment, even though I know other people would argue that it is, I'm just not at that point yet, but I at least can like.. Recognize he still made me uncomfortable and feel gross and that's enough.

I've probably detailed them in another post here, but it was stuff like my dad would spank my butt like a guy would spank his girlfriend, for example, and he didn't stop until I was maybe 16, and he Only stopped because at that point, I had already come out about my brother sexually abusing me and I guess my dad decided that's the only real reason he wouldn't do that to a woman I guess ???
If you know the song "Hey Mickey", he would sing that song to me, but instead say my deadname.
He'd call my butt a "bubble butt" and do weird sounds that were clearly meant to mimic like.... Eugh, I don't even know how to describe it, but that weird "oh yeah" low groan sound in some songs that are supposed to be sexual euuch
Sexual stuff was normalized to me in general too, and comments about how "men will be all over you (because my chest is large)" was also normal.
And when I looked into other people's stories where they were sexually abused and groomed by their dads, they detailed similar things, where their dads would spank them on the butt and how sexual stuff was normalized to them, etc., which matched my situation.
And I told my therapist about all this too and she confirmed it as well.
So for once I feel like it's not as unlikely of my dad to go further with that stuff than I thought. Like him sexually abusing and raping me isn't.. as far off as a possibility as I felt before.
And that's part of what I mean by things feeling like they're becoming a bit more clear?

**********END TRIGGER WARNING******

Our T has told us repeatedly that we may not remember but we know what happened in our bodies and if we react to something like what you said that could easily be an indicator. I can't go near the place where the Bad Things happened without panicking and when people talk about a certain religious group, I can get angry and upset. I still don't know everything that happened.

I hope this helped you a bit,
Lilith.

Yeah, that's what everyone says, that the flashbacks and body memories are the "proof." I don't know think any of my triggers point to anything that I don't already know happened to me, but I also know maybe I don't know if I do. It always puts me in denial though. How would I know if I had any signs of trafficking specifically ? If anyone would know? Without having any self-awareness or any kind of memories or anything, I don't know.
I'm not asking for somebody to tell me what happened to me, nobody can do that obviously, and I know I'm obviously not at a point where I can tackle any kind of trauma anyways, I just can't help but feel like a disgusting idiot for even considering anything like this as a possibility and I'm so afraid of continuing to question it if I'm truly completely wrong. So I don't know what I want.
I've never heard of anybody else who was sex trafficked as a child and had total amnesia for it except The Infinity System on YouTube. They have a video of one of their alters being completely open about their own abuse memories and the first time I watched through it, I had .. Some kind of reaction, I don't know(?), because what they described matched something that I (one of my alters) wrong down a very long time ago.
This was written over a year ago now - July 3, 2022 (I edited slightly to be proper grammar/spelling/etc.):
"I feel like there's people all around me staring at me, like glaring eyes, I feel like some gross pornographic test subject to be viewed. I don't know if I'm labeling my experiences correctly, this is just what I'm coming up with. I internally(?) felt like or rather it was imagined and I felt a reaction to it? completely metaphorical, but it was like I was in the middle of some viewing with some spotlight on me and I was naked and it felt gross and it felt like I was stuck being watched and I hate. I hate to be viewed sexually. Icky"
When I first wrote this, at the time, the possibility of trafficking was on my mind, but I didn't take it seriously. And I know when I wrote this that it was clearly detailing what I would assume would be trafficking, but I've obviously been denying it.
My biggest fear is that I'll have gone through all of this questioning, only for it to turn out that I never went through any of the things I question, and that SHould be a good thing. I know I should just be lucky and grateful, but I feel like I would rather be right and deal with the aftermath of coming to terms with that than to be completely wrong, because being wrong only serves to reinforce my feelings that I'm an idiot who pathologizes normal things and I still can't trust myself.
Come to think of it, I've probably talked about that Infinity System thing on this thread before
But yeah I don't know

You are not an idiot and it is never normal to feel the way you feel.

Even if there was no trafficking (I'm NOT saying it one way of another, just a "what if"). Even if, you really did go through something bad enough that it gave you these feelings. Your feelings are real. No matter what caused them, something went bad enough to cause these feelings.

That's NOT being an idiot. That's NOT normal. That's totally something traumatic and awful. That's totally something traumatizing.