[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

ArbreMonde wrote:Hi, Lust here! Hello Sarah!

What kind of hormones we are going to take... We do not wish to say what they are in this forum. The purpose is: gender affirmation transition. We are looking to reach a point where we can all be comfortable with the physical body, with as little gender dysphoria as possible.

I hope I answer your question in a satisfying way.

Take care !

♥ Lust ♥

Yes, thank you. I guessed but didn't like to assume.

How is it?.. How much is it helping? Sarah

We will keep you updated on how helpful it is, as soon as we have been through the preparatory medical exams and dosage calculation. Though in order to get the first visible results, it might take a few months.

Thank you for caring about us,

-David-

Urgh. One of my favourite YouTube guys said something awful on Twitter.



********************************TW rape********************************





Long story short, he said that in the morning sometimes he rapes his girlfriend in her sleep and that he knows it's called rape but he does not care what the feminists think of it he does it anyway.







******************************End TW*********************************


After that, he posted a lot about "cancel culture" and how it's bad and stuff.

Now I'm feeling super guilty and triggered at the same time.

Triggered because that's what happened to me/Reyna (the TW thing).

Guilty because I don't want to interact with the guy anymore. His bad behavior does not mean that his work is bad. His work is GOOD. That's what drew me in. But my emotions tell me to stay away from this guy. My logic still likes his work, but my emotions tell me to stay the flip away.

Guilty also because I don't know where to draw the line between "abusive cancel culture" and "logical behavior in reaction to some information". It was less difficult for me to cut ties with all stuff by this famous transphobic/TERF writer. While on the other hand, I've been abusively "cancelled" in the past. People started rumors about me and I had to change social media account because the previous one was constantly under cyberbullying and constantly reported to the admins in order to "cancel" me because of rumors.

But, it's not like I'm actively trying to erase this dude from the Internet. I'm just cutting ties with him for my own sanity - and also for political reasons. I don't feel like buying his Tshirts or sending him tips on his social media after that. But I'm not harassing him directly either like I was harassed myself. I'm not saying that his work sucks just because of what he said. It does not. I just don't feel like supporting his work anymore.

I know that walking away from this guy for my own sanity and mental health and balance, is very different from toxic/abusive cancel culture. But it's difficult to shake away the feelings of guilt.

I'm tired of feeling guilty each time I make a choice based on my own sanity. I'm trying to tell me that I'm doing this for the sake of Reyna - even though she hasn't surfaced for a while now. But what she has been through is still in my/our nightmares. And I cannot act like it never happened.

Doing it to protect Reyna feels less guilty than doing it to protect myself. Why am I like this? Why am I always putting myself in trouble as if I trouble and pain existed in this world only in a limited amount and that by taking it all on myself, I could keep it away from others?

--Zami--

You are trying to make it work inside. Taking all the pain on yourself so that us all are spared from it. It does not always work though, but it spared a lot of us from the pain. Now, you need to let us help you. And by helping you I mean, mental health wise. Not only to do the everyday house chores. Not only to feel the happyness. But also to face the hurt.

We need to face the hurt. Together. Not the knowledge of the hurt, but the feeling of the hurt.

The feelings are boxed away. We can un-box them one by one. Face them together.

It's okay to feel hurt. It's not wrong.

I know it's exhausting. But it's okay. We are together.

*Reyna*

We're so sorry, ArbreMonde folks. We care, and we hope that you find peace.

MDs

Hi Zami, the emotion of how you are feeling reminds me of how I was overwhelmed today.

I only just started reading that haunted self book but it said in there that people with DID etc ptsd etc struggle to live in the present and process emotions how ok people do so we get overwhelmed.

When I was overwhelmed this morning it helped me just to know its a symptom. I don't know if you'll also find it helpful but I thought I'd share it with you incase.

Wishing you resolve this for you soon.

Much luck,

Sarah

Thank you people for your support.

I spent the whole afternoon painting about it, it feels good to put all of this on paper so it's no longer in my head.

We'll have 2 days worth of dishes to do tomorrow, but, one day at a time. And tomorrow we need the rest.

Thank you again for your support.

*Reyna*

PS: well, being triggered into front at least has some good sides to it: I could watch some egyptology documentaries online while painting. I missed that!

Uriel@ArbreMonde in another post wrote:Alright! So yesterday we spent one hour writing a letter to the T in order to walk around Zami's tendency to sabotage any attempt to talk to the T about us being, well, more than one, and all the things that happened to Lust that Zami never talked to the T about, and how Reyna is still suffering from what happened to her, and we started writing about some of our everyday things and what other everyday things we might need help with, but we got a cramp and stopped here.

Now, I'll do my best to stay front and Zami will do their best to stay away, while going to see the T. Zami's tendency to hide things that hurt for fear of being misjuged, their tendency of doing their best to "get good therapy grades" and try to make the T happy, is being a real problem.

Therefore, I'm going to the T today, to say things more openly to her.

Like we say in french, "ça passe ou ça casse" (roughly, "through it or break it").

Well, it was emotionally intense for us. Zami was running in a circle inside, panicking, fighting to get to front as well as trying to get Uriel to dissociate. It was a mess. Poor Uri had trouble explaining to the T that we wanted her to read the letter before our session began.

It went well. In the letter we explained how the "transferance" Zami was doing towards one of their abusers, made it difficult to express the really important things. That we also needed the T to draw things out of us, and how to spot when we were avoiding to talk about something. How we are multiple, with a list of the main system members, their gender, and if they are more "trauma part" or more "deal with everyday stuff" part.

When she got to the point where I (Lust) and Reyna talked about what happened to us and how it still hurt, her face really showed real concern and sadness, it was plain to be seein, despite our autistic issues with face reading, and the mask everybody wears nowadays because of Aunt Rona.

She called us "characters" though, so I guess we're going to gather articles about DID and print them and staple them together and hand them out to her next time.

But, at least she was very good at listening, asking questions, and showing concern, to Zami's great surprise. Turns out, she's not a bad T after all, it's just that Zami was resisting therapy... The more you know...

It's very humbling for Zami. They are (were? we're kinda all co-hosting more and more as time goes by) host and therefore "in charge of stuff" and... they just cannot do the stuff properly after all. They are good at hiding things in order to survive, but they are not good at living in the moment, facing the emotions, opening up about what is really important... Or simply, allowing us to talk to the T.

Sometimes, we wonder if Zami really "exists" or if they are a fragment, a bit like a mask that we put on in order to talk to the outside. After all, when we do not know who we are, by default we are "Zami". But I digress.

Today we really felt Dr Seuss' quote "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". The T didn't mind any oddities we talked about ourselves. She really matters.

We really, really, made a big progress today. It is very humbling.

So yes, maybe psycho-analysis is not a "cure therapy" but it really is a place where anything can be said and nobody judges us. It is a void. And the void only talks back about what we bring to it.

It was exhausting, but I feel at peace. I feel heard. Well, through Uriel that is, but I feel heard. I guess that next time, I'll go there.

♥Lust♥

I'm really glad that went well for you!!

Hi David, Zami, Lust, Uri and all.

It does sound like it went really well. I was thinking I'm going to straight up tell the psychiatrist "look I have DID" I mentioned it before and he said I'd have to go on a waiting list to get a proper diagnosis. NHS red tape before that. But I've had enough. I'm paying for the assessment and I'm going to straight up tell him I'm fed up with all the contradictory diagnosis over the years and I have DID, the end. I hope it goes as well as it sounds like it went with your therapist. Really happy for you.

Sarah

Hello Sarah,

Thanks for your kind words!

Regarding your psychiatrist, yep getting a proper diagnosis takes time. But a diagnosis is not what we are looking for. We were looking for, being heard. And psycho-analysis is great for that: saying whatever the fudge you want, and being heard.

Which also means that our T will not help us solve things. But she can listen to us and ask us questions to help dig deeper... in the condition that Zami does not block everything. Which is a huge step forwards.

We'll still read a lot by ourselves to find tools for our everyday life, and hints as to what to dig deeper. But at least we have someone to help with a non-judgemental eye. It's better than nothing!

♥Lust♥