Journey Thread: Ponyta (Ups & Downs)

Matt is now bringing stuff in to fix his room. I offered to help.....he was shocked.....but he said it'll be alright if I help. So that's cool.....

Since I offered to help him he said he will help me. He warned me about what he calls an army coming. I asked him what he is talking about and how many there are. He just keeps saying, "Watch out! An army is coming." Why he keeps saying that every so often is very creepy......although I can feel something definitely getting closer. I could feel that before he even said anything. The feeling is very awful........So many mixed feelings growing stronger......I sure hope he is just messing with me. I honestly don't think he is though. He said that they have been approaching for quite some time now, and they'll be here in a few days. He says don't worry he will help me when they get here. He says that I'll need all the help I can get when they arrive.

I don't know what is going on. This is seriously creeping me out.

Is it even possible that there are THAT many undiscovered personalities yet? I already met how many........I never thought there were this many of us- especially if there is an "Army" approaching. Not sure how many he means though......He did tell me that they all HATE me and they want Revenge (for what? I have no clue)......So if they really are coming (like I feel).....THEN THIS IS SERIOUSLY SCARY.


What Should I Do?

Very sick feeling today. Bad "floating feeling", Really bad headache as well as terrible Nausea.

And

if that wasn't bad enough..... I'm being messed with again....a bunch of new ones are causing trouble. It is making me extremely depressed feeling. It seems like a never-ending battle. Very discouraging.......at least Matt tried to help protect me from them. These ones just want to fight us (psychically)....and there is no reasoning with them. Not sure where my protectors are right now......I guess looking for those guys. Not sure......Too sick to worry about that right now.

Ponyta wrote: It seems like a never-ending battle.

Dont worry, there is an end to it

TeddyBear the helper wrote:

Ponyta wrote: It seems like a never-ending battle.

Dont worry, there is an end to it

Thank you!

I know......but it is very discouraging. It seems like once I manage to solve one problem....many more come up. Also I noticed lately that it seems that once the "bad behavior" leaves one of them.....it goes somewhere else......either that or there are that many that have similar problems. I feel different myself though for some reason...almost like it's affecting me too....Not 100% sure why yet (other than the knowledge that they all are a part of me).....so I guess that's why.


I keep struggling with really bad denial........Feel like I'm losing my mind again today. I feel like: What is wrong with me? It's like my mind is literally split in half. I feel like I'm being torn apart on the inside. So that feeling alone should rule out any denial......but yet for some reason....despite all of the evidence and the therapist telling me I have it.....I STILL feel like I'm losing my mind. I hate that feeling.

Plus now Bandit gave me a complex. I'll admit I really really like him now....even more than how I felt about Romeo (even though saying that makes me feel crazy). Well Bandit called me Nicole when we were talking. That is so NOT my name. He laughed when I questioned him. He said he knows that isn't my name. He said he wasn't calling me that. He insisted that he was just giving me her name.....so I would know that one of my personalities has that name. It sure didn't seem that way to me. So yeah....I'm very leery about that.... I just hope he was telling me the truth.

I don't think this needs a trigger warning......but maybe.....due to the feelings (Wording I use)... so I'll put one just in case.......

Possible Trigger warning
"Self" Bullying thoughts, bullying mention

One of my new personalities is being extremely mean to me right now. Telling me that I am a major pest and I should leave this forum because no one cares what I have to say. They told me that our therapist thinks I'm crazy.....so stop going there and talking to her too. This personality is hitting me where it really hurts......Attacking my ALREADY extremely low self esteem. Plus it doesn't help that I'm ALREADY depressed due to a bunch of other things. Especially being the time of year it is.

Oh....and don't get me started about what I said earlier about Bandit. This personality WON'T leave me alone regarding that. They told me that that statement really took the cake. They told me that I've COMPLETELY Lost it.

Not sure how to deal with them.....I'm too sad feeling to deal with this right now. Terrible feeling of "doom". The sad part is because of how I was bullied so terribly.......I feel like maybe everything they are saying is true. BUT yet part of me knows it's not.

Now that I've got that out.....I just realized that maybe that's the one that has been causing my feelings of denial all along. Maybe they are the one who makes it extremely unpleasant to talk to people too......being the comments (that attack my self esteem) that come in my head. Just saying hi to someone makes me feel like an idiot.

End trigger warning

I don't write a lot in other journal threads because on the one hand sometimes I lack the time (because I loose so much of it atm) and if I find some time, then sometimes I feel like intruding in to personal space of others.
I hope I am not doing this right now. I just want to let you know, that you are not a pest and you shouldn't leave this forum! I do care what you are saying and I really wish you all that you find more peace among you.

Ponyta wrote:Not sure how to deal with them.....

How about making a nice garden where they can learn to have fun and relax, with big walls around to protect you?
-Brian, Waldo, Bandit and the others probably can help with the building

Muninn wrote:I don't write a lot in other journal threads because on the one hand sometimes I lack the time (because I loose so much of it atm) and if I find some time, then sometimes I feel like intruding in to personal space of others.
I hope I am not doing this right now. I just want to let you know, that you are not a pest and you shouldn't leave this forum! I do care what you are saying and I really wish you all that you find more peace among you.

Thank you so very much for responding! Please don't worry about intruding on my posts. I greatly appreciate your kind words! It really means a lot to me! Thanks again!

TeddyBear the helper wrote:

Ponyta wrote:Not sure how to deal with them.....

How about making a nice garden where they can learn to have fun and relax, with big walls around to protect you?
-Brian, Waldo, Bandit and the others probably can help with the building

Thanks for the idea! That sounds really neat....I'm sure Rose would love to help out as well with the construction (She loves gardening).

hmmm.

well ponyta you are definately not a pest. and you aren't crazy and we like you.

it's very hard "coming out" of the DID closet. even just to your own self/selves. I had a lot of parts that didn't like that. we had a bunch of inner conflict and turmoil over it back in those days. and I think maybe this bullying campaign is an attempt to wear you down to where you go back to ignorance/denial again.

see the thing is. it seems like that's easier. because it's what we've been used to doing. living in denial. in our own little bubbles. oblivious. and it's really hard to work together and be a team. but--- when we start doing that. that's when things actually start getting better. on our team working together gave us life stability. and now we have lots more things! sometimes it is hard to share. and we still bicker and disagree.

maybe the attacking parts are just scared of awareness and sharing and change and new stuff?

How I feel right now:

Been struggling on and off all day with being tormented by the new one attacking my self esteem. Plus now Rhino came back (earlier today) and is causing problems again (Not sure where he went....but he stopped bothering me for a long time it seems). There are other ones who are tormenting me as well. UGH! I hate it when there is MORE than one of them messing with me at the same time. It's bad enough having to deal with one of them, let alone a bunch of them together. Plus it's a lot easier to talk to them one-on-one, then to attempt to do so when they're in a group. In a group they are a lot more miserable to try to reason with. They are being very mean, hateful, and disrespectful. They are causing me a great deal of grief right now.

Had a really scary dream last night....maybe had something to do with them.....not sure......but I do know that a lot of my personalities have been showing up in my dreams lately. (Maybe they always were though......maybe I'm just more alert to it now). I also had a bunch of crazy dreams last night as well.......I feel like a few were shared or something because I had no clue what was going on. They were that strange.

And to add to everything else going on.....I'm mad at the new female one, I met recently, Nicole. Well I thought it was ridiculous that a bunch of guys (personalities) were fighting over me before. I had to tell them......especially Bandit and Iggy to stop fighting each other how many times. I told them it was ridiculous. Well......The sad irony is..... I NOW completely understand why they were fighting over me in the first place. Because Now I'm fighting Nicole over Bandit.

Well Bandit kinda caused it in the first place by calling me Nicole when we were talking. He gave me a complex. Plus when I met her she told me right out that Bandit likes her a lot more than me.....which Bandit claims isn't true. But he did admit that he called me Nicole in the first place to make me jealous. He said it was just a test to see if I really did like him or not (because I didn't want to admit how I felt about him). He wanted to see how I would react.......well......it caused a fight....between me and Nicole. He kinda thinks it's amusing.....that we are fighting over him.

It's really strange though.....before (when I first met him) I was beyond disgusted about the idea of even liking him.....now I'm fighting over him. He kinda laughed about that. He said like a bandit he stole my heart. I do feel like he likes me more....he even says so.....but I'm extremely worried that he will choose Nicole over me.

-- Thu Nov 01, 2018 8:49 pm --

BeccaBee wrote:hmmm.

well ponyta you are definately not a pest. and you aren't crazy and we like you.

it's very hard "coming out" of the DID closet. even just to your own self/selves. I had a lot of parts that didn't like that. we had a bunch of inner conflict and turmoil over it back in those days. and I think maybe this bullying campaign is an attempt to wear you down to where you go back to ignorance/denial again.

see the thing is. it seems like that's easier. because it's what we've been used to doing. living in denial. in our own little bubbles. oblivious. and it's really hard to work together and be a team. but--- when we start doing that. that's when things actually start getting better. on our team working together gave us life stability. and now we have lots more things! sometimes it is hard to share. and we still bicker and disagree.

maybe the attacking parts are just scared of awareness and sharing and change and new stuff?

Thank you so much for your kind words! I greatly appreciate them!

You may be right about that. I do know all of my personalities have problems of their own.....so maybe they are scared or something like that. I do know that Marco was originally scared that I would try to get rid of him.....we're friends now.....but he wasn't very nice to me at first due to that fear. So you might be right about them being scared too. Thanks again for your kind words!