Journey Thread: Ponyta (Ups & Downs)

Congratulations! I'm glad everything went well.

I'm curious what is going on.....Maybe there is a personality that is so close...so similar to me that I can't detect them or something (like when they are co-conscious with me)

Something strange is going on at times. Like I write on here and feel happy about writing because it helps me somewhat better. Then later when "I" notice what I wrote I feel like a complete idiot and like I should've never wrote on here in the first place. Not sure what is going on with that. It is bad enough that the trouble-making ones were targeting my self esteem about this.....let alone this "other one" now making me feel like it is ME who has serious issues. (I do know I have issues though)

I'm Still happy feeling about yesterday.......but the "other one" is bothering me. They make me feel like I should've never wrote about that in the first place. This feeling is causing a terrible inner struggle right now. Not sure if I should write or not.......


Also another thing has been bothering me lately......In your inner world.....do you as the host have "another body"? (this is hard to explain.....) but like when you are dreaming you obviously walk around inside, is it the same way in the inner world? If that even makes sense. Like Weirdo and the others have a "physical" body in the inner world, of course we share the same "outer" body.....but in the inner world we all have a different body. I'm only curious because I've been wondering for a while now that I might not be the original. I might just be another one of the personalities myself.....which is kinda scary to me for some reason.

-- Mon Nov 12, 2018 2:27 pm --

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Congratulations! I'm glad everything went well.

Thank you so very much! I greatly appreciate it!

Ponyta wrote:I've been wondering for a while now that I might not be the original. I might just be another one of the personalities myself.....which is kinda scary to me for some reason.

Current theory of dissociation suggests that there is no such thing as an "original" because we start out without a formed single identity. There is a developmental process that results in forming a unified single identity if you're able to have a secure enough attachment with a caregiver who helps reflect back a consistent sense of who you are.

When this is disrupted, a single identity isn't formed--different feeling states become more and more separated because dissociation is the only way available to cope with overwhelming feelings. A caregiver isn't available to help you tolerate and integrate those feelings. Then dissociation becomes the main coping skill used to manage feelings, and the different states continue to develop separately, with more parts formed as needed.

But, yeah, it's scary to realize that. My T says that all the parts are real--there isn't one real or true "me," but there are parts that were protected and might contain more of who I would be if I hadn't had all that trauma. As well as the parts that are the way they are because they coped directly with the trauma and helped me survive.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

Ponyta wrote:I've been wondering for a while now that I might not be the original. I might just be another one of the personalities myself.....which is kinda scary to me for some reason.

Current theory of dissociation suggests that there is no such thing as an "original" because we start out without a formed single identity. There is a developmental process that results in forming a unified single identity if you're able to have a secure enough attachment with a caregiver who helps reflect back a consistent sense of who you are.

When this is disrupted, a single identity isn't formed--different feeling states become more and more separated because dissociation is the only way available to cope with overwhelming feelings. A caregiver isn't available to help you tolerate and integrate those feelings. Then dissociation becomes the main coping skill used to manage feelings, and the different states continue to develop separately, with more parts formed as needed.

But, yeah, it's scary to realize that. My T says that all the parts are real--there isn't one real or true "me," but there are parts that were protected and might contain more of who I would be if I hadn't had all that trauma. As well as the parts that are the way they are because they coped directly with the trauma and helped me survive.

Thank you for the information! I greatly appreciate it! That actually makes me feel somewhat better about things. Thank you for that!

I Don't feel so good psychically due to some pain in my back....since I woke up.(I always get that way it seems when the weather changes. I'm not sure why.), and NOW I have a headache starting with nausea.....Also feel very tired for some reason.

Since I don't feel good....I'm not going to write much for this entry. I'll just sum it up by saying it was a pretty good day today......despite the pain.

I've been having some of the weirdest dreams ever lately......(not sure why).....at least they weren't scary last night.

I did have a dream though that I found VERY INTERESTING! I was talking about my other personalities and I allowed one of them (not sure who)to draw/paint a picture in the dream. They drew the most beautiful, realistic looking drawing of a pine tree (the detail was amazing).....BUT unlike any pine tree I saw they painted really pretty pink flowers on it. Not sure exactly what kind of flower they were.... but for some reason I feel like they looked like Pink Jasmine flowers. Anyway I was extremely impressed by the drawing and it felt almost like the tree was real....somewhere (like whoever drew it saw it before)


As for how I'm feeling right now:

I have Both happy and sad feelings on top of feeling emotionless. Split feelings again.....not sure who is sad....or who is happy. I feel emotionless myself right now. The happy one feels like they are standing over somewhere to my right. The sad one seems to be standing to the left somewhere. Feeling "numb" inside. Not sure what's wrong exactly. Getting another headache too.

I'm extremely sad feeling now. Not 100% sure why....but I am. So sad......don't know what to do right now.

It's been quiet today. None of them bothered to talk much today......wonder what's wrong. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I feel sad. I don't know. I do know that a lot of them were staring at me today.....um....not sure what was up with that.....that made me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I did something wrong or something.....I don't know.....I just feel that way. Maybe it's just because this is a bad time of the year for us. I don't know what is going on......but it is concerning.

The only ones that said something to me today were: Bandit, Weirdo, and Wolverine.....a bunch of the others stared at me. (Punisher, Bruiser, 3 of the troublemakers (don't know their names yet), TJ, and Electro are some of them that were staring) TJ and Electro are very good inner friends so not sure why they would act that way. I can see why the others would though. Punisher and Bruiser are my friends.....still we aren't very close yet.

Not sure why.....but this thought just popped into my mind:
BAD TRIGGER WARNING
bullying issue, rumor mention, relationship issues with "friends" due to rumors, how I felt

Maybe there is a new one who is spreading rumors about me or something........I have NO clue.....but being that a lot of the trouble-making ones mimic the bullies.....then it is highly possible that this is what is going on.

I even caught Weirdo and Wolverine staring at me earlier for a few moments. When I asked them what's wrong they acted like it was nothing.......so if someone is spreading rumors about me....then even my protectors heard them. So probably everyone heard them including Bandit....... Really sad feeling.....Why did I have to go there........Thinking about this brought back really bad memories from school. Now I feel EVEN WORSE.

If it is rumors then I'm worried it's going to destroy all of the progress we made. I feel like it is going to ruin my relationship with ALL of them. Terrible.....very terrible......this happened before.... but in the outer world. The bullies' rumors destroyed all of my "friendships" and made everyone stare at me.... and avoid me like I had some highly contagious disease. I sure hope this doesn't happen in the inner world.....but with them staring already...... I feel it is happening already. Also why did this memory come back? Not sure what is up......but it most definitely isn't cool.

End Trigger Warning


Very depressed feeling now.......... Why did I have to go there? I can still see that memory playing in my mind like a video.

Not sure what was up with last night.....but I did manage to talk to Brian a little last night (He's my 4th protector and he usually doesn't say anything to me. He tends to "hide" from me)

Possible Trigger Warning
Rumor spreading and impact

Brian told me that there is someone spreading rumors about me (In the inner world).... but he said I'm ready to face it. Don't understand exactly what he was talking about....he told me he won't lie.....that it will hurt me a lot.......but he said I must face it in order to heal.

Then Matt told me that it will seem like I lost all of them as my friends due to the rumors......but he said it will strengthen my relationship with all of them in the end. He said that I must figure out who is spreading the rumors first though and solve the problems with them. He said I must face it because it happened in the outer world and in order to heal.....I must face it in the inner world. Not cool.....but I guess it's something I have to go along with....... They did tell me that EVERYONE heard the rumors. So that's not cool.

I have an idea of who might be spreading the rumors......but it's just a guess......I think it might be Rhino (Only because I rejected him a while back and he told me to just wait.....he said I would regret it. He said he will get me back.) Surprisingly, I DON'T think it is Nicole. I believe it is one of the guys......like Rhino....but maybe it is someone I never met yet. I don't know. This is very upsetting though.

At least Bandit said I have nothing to worry about regarding him. He told me what the rumors were that he heard (Really bad stuff), but he said that he knows my heart and that he knows I wouldn't hurt him like that. He said he has my back. Weirdo and Wolverine also told me that they have my back. So that's cool. At least they believe me.


End Trigger Warning



Other than that......my back and shoulders are hurting somewhat due to all of the snow shoveling we did today. (Bandit, Weirdo, and Wolverine took turns helping me) So that was cool.....Took a nice relaxing Epsom salt bath not that long ago....it helped ease the pain a little....but not 100%. Anyway.....I'm doing pretty good right now......other than some sadness due to what's going on in the inner world.

Very sad again.........Not sure what is wrong exactly......the problem mentioned above is still ongoing.....none of them talked to me today EXCEPT for Bandit, Weirdo, and Wolverine. At least Matt and Brian said something last night to me...... but it's been quiet. Don't like that to be honest. I enjoyed spending time with the others and getting to know them better......now it seems like they are avoiding me.

At least Bandit, Weirdo, and Wolverine are still talking to me. I feel like the others want to but are scared for some reason now.

Plus forgot to mention earlier that I had some REALLY Terrifying dreams last night.

In one of them: Maybe I was seeing what Mystique was dreaming......but yet it was me who was being targeted. I told them they have the wrong person. They kept calling me Mystique. I told them how many times that I'm not her. They didn't believe me. That wasn't cool.....I knew in the dream she was a separate person.....but I didn't know where she was.....Even if I did know I WASN'T going to tell them. The pain was terrible.

I had a bunch of dreams where I was chased too. Now that I think of it......I just realized that they were the same people in every SCARY dream last night. Ridiculous. Have NO clue who those men were......I sure hope that I don't have dreams like that again tonight. I hate the fact that I'm able to feel extremely realistic pain in my SCARY dreams. So NOT cool.

Doing okay... I guess.... this morning....but I can feel the sadness lingering somewhat. Bad Denial feelings struck me again as I was trying to fall asleep last night....luckily they went away by the time I woke-up.

It's been crazy in the inner world lately.....not sure what's up with that. I don't like how quiet it is.....nor how a lot of them are just staring at me. I HATE people staring at me. It makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

Bandit is trying to help me figure out who is behind the rumors. So is Weirdo and Wolverine....so that's cool. At least I have some help yet in the inner world. None of the others seem to want to be anywhere near me.....so that's upsetting. It's like Matt said would happen though. I don't know what the latest stuff they heard was.....but Bandit said it was really bad. He doesn't want to tell me because he said it is WAY TOO hurtful. He doesn't want to upset me. I can tell he is very angry at whoever is doing this to me.....so if he figures out who it is before me.....they better watch out. Hopefully I'm able to get this mess straightened out peacefully....but I don't know.

I believe it ISN'T Nicole, nor is it any of the previous troublemakers (I could be wrong though). I still suspect Rhino though......but I'm not 100% sure. Don't know where he is right now.....nor do I really want to try calling him. Last time I saw him he was really bad. Plus he told me that I would regret rejecting him....so that is one of the reasons why he might be doing this. Especially the stuff he said to try to get Bandit to turn against me. Yeah! I know she'd never do those things. Got nothin' to worry about. That was interesting. LOL. Bandit apparently just wrote for the first time.

Anyway like I was saying....I'm concerned it might be Rhino.....but I have no clue how to approach him regarding the matter. I do not know for certain if it is him or not.....and as of last time I saw him....he was extremely hard to talk to. Worried what he might say to me. I guess I can get Bandit to go along with me to talk....but if it is Rhino...Bandit might go psycho on him. I just don't know. Probably better to take Weirdo with me.....he's less likely to start a fight since he prefers to try the peaceful method first. Wolverine and Bandit are more tough with their method....Although maybe I should take them along being that Rhino makes me really uncomfortable.