Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

I have not been freaking out with worry for over a week now! it is ah-may-zing!!!! yes!!!!!

ordering a fitbit was seriously one of the best ideas I have had in YEARS! it is a wristband that helps remind to be healthy. the app on my phone has push notifications. and the wrist band has buzzes and lights. last night I met my step goal taking out the trash and it was cool. my band started buzzing and lit up

it also tracks my water intake, sleep quality and duration, calories in and calories out, and any exercise. I only have to remember to enter my food and water data. everything else is automatic. I don't have to remember anything else. and it's super easy since I have push notifications and the band on my wrist. I am really excited that I finally found something to help me remember!

I am supposed to take my medicine 2x a day. but I am only taking it once at night. I don't want to take it 2x and I am not going to unless I don't start getting better at the lower dose.

I am supposed to hear on monday if I made it to the 2nd round of interviews. I haven't done the MID because I forgot.

too bad they don't make a medicine to help your memory work.

-B n b

good job not worrying too much!! cheering for you.
i think its amazing you found something that helps. i am using a bullet journal with tracking pages to keep up with things. i do struggle with technical equippment... but that means that nothing lights up or buzzes and that sounds intriguingly encouraging.
good job! our best wishes for the job development

Hi Team BeccaBee

I haven't been able to reply much lately - just a few hours a week - but I have been watching your progress and rooting for you all the time.

Take care... Brett

howdy.

things continue to be unsettled following my head bump in august. I am done moving and I did not land the PNW promotion. it was very disappointing to be told that the only reason I wasn't chosen was the relocation. I had everything they were looking for but I am still stuck in ENC, speaking of which I was in an area affected by hurricane matthew. our river has crested and luckily my home was on high ground. I moved in the nick of time.

I finally got my bed made together!! our friend came and helped to assemble the frame. and then we got it filled up. last night it was warm and I finally got to sleep in my own bed! and it was just right because the bed is in the same kind place and there's a window that's the exact same size in the exact same spot just like the old house. and I snuggle my pony in my bed with my blankie and the window was just the same and I went right to sleep.

I had to attend a training thing today and it sucked. some people cracked a joke about PTSD and everybody laughed. I felt like they were a bunch of assholes. nobody in the room knew (except my manager) but it was so ######6......callous. and I was really struggling with being in the room, and not having my back to a wall, and multiple exits, and noise, and the instructor kept standing very close to me while I was seated and he was @6'2". I had spent hours successfully controlling hyperarousal only to have somebody crack a joke about PTSD.
fuq wad taint flakes.

my kid is happy, healthy, well, beautiful. Matthew actually gave us a break from work and school, I was able to attend to some domestic chores and make a good rush on unpacking. I have definately reached the tipping point and will be settled soon. I have a few weeks break from therapy due to T travel and that is welcome as I have financial concerns at the moment. I am learning to disengage from the worry roller coaster. it has been a very positive change.

this has been a period of transition and upheaval. and I am suspecting it could be a changing of the guard as a new host takes the helm. I am just trying to maintain personal stability as I assimilate recovered memories of trauma, and realize these things happened to "me". slow and steady wins the race.

living in a smaller space is a different challenge than the country digs, but overall I feel this is a positive change for both me and the kid. continuing to negotiate new parameters with the baby - daddy as he navigates his midlife transition. it is hard to take the moral high ground. to practice civility, compassion, and forgiveness. I don't do it for his sake. but my daughters. and I do not doubt for a moment it is the right choice. still difficult.

I am learning patience. slowly.

I very well believe that you made the right choice. You seem happier already, regardless of your usual work issues. That also sucks that they cracked a joke about PTSD in front of you, but I am sure they meant no harm and probably don't even fully understand it. They probably assumed it only pertains to military personal and no one in your office would be capable of having PTSD.

That is good to hear about your daughter as well. She sounds like she has a great mom. That is my main concern, that my kids grow up to be good people, and I do the best I can for them.

BeccaBee wrote:could be a changing of the guard as a new host takes the helm

Sorry, I have not been on as much. You have a new host? Or have you as the host changed and improved or evolved? Just curious. Either way sounds like you are doing good.

when we were in that clinic there was a dining room where everyone had their own seat. the PTSD patient who shared a table with us told us, in her first week there, that she is scared of DID patients and hates them.
turned out she had no clue. she even joined Annett in 2 training sessions and never got it.
what i am trying to say is : some people are just stupid. its all about them, not about you.

take it slow. with decisions about who should host. especially in a season of blending memories and emotions with other alters it can get really hard. we just decided to help the challenged main host as much as possible. less trouble with outside people...
we are trying to limit the times of sharing and sometimes even work on building dissociative walls again so that things will not be overwhelming. you are not helping anybody if you allow alters to traumatize you. it takes away stability.

to be quite honest I am not sure about the changing hosts thing.

what i do know:
that I have phases in my life, where I am kind of consistent in values and decisions and lifestyle. still with little hiccups. then I will change and make different choices. and pursue other things. maybe it is just growing up. but it seems more pronounced that that.

like I can see identity alteration in daily life. but on this meta picture I can see definate phases and I think these are host changes. or changing of primary host? since I have several aspects that interface with the outside world.

I also know that I feel very different from before. I am making intellectual decisions, not emotional decisions. I am thinking long range, not short term. I am analyzing my position from a tactical standpoint. I am choosing and behaving differently.

the last very significant changing of the guard was following the nervous breakdown. when RT broke down, there was dysfunction, and B emerged to take the helm. quite delighted to be out again. .excited about somethings, disappointed about others. this was Nov 2013 more or less. so we are about 3 years later which means I am just about due for a change. I think it's happening already.

I am still trying to recognize my parts and be aware of my switches. I have felt many quivers recently. I don't know what's going on. i feel different. I am tweaking my life to be different. I am prioritizing and planning things in a new way. B is a ton of fun but not much of a long range, goal oriented planner. I think we all work together. but I also think something is going on.

and...on the jerk cracking jokes about PTSD. I am sure it was ignorance. but it still sucked. ignorance can be corrected a lot easier than malice and that is some small comfort.

birdsong, thank you for the warning. we are going very very slowly. memories have surfaced naturally. therapy is still completely focused on successful coping and stability. no trauma work. not even a complete trauma history. I mentioned that I had a flashback but told her I didn't want to talk about it. and that was fine.

I think we take turns being in charge so nobody gets too tired. but everybody still has to follow the rules. that keeps us safe. my goal is still unity...but it seems unreachable at this point. or unnecessary as I still doubt my diagnosis at times.

Cid, I am sure you can be a great parent. I have gotten better and better with practice. I am not the best Mom in the world but I am a good mom. And I am always striving to be better.

one book I loved on parenting was "love and logic". it's got some good stuff. but has some whacko followers. forget the internet and just drop 12 bucks to get the book off amazon. Love and logic the magic of parenting in early childhood. some of their ideas really helped me in the 2s, 3s, and 4s which can be very tough but very rewarding ages. come to think of it....I believe I originally discovered this at the library! free! even better.

love and logic <3
so much of what we do with our littles is based on that.
i am glad you found it to be helpful

Interesting, thanks for the recommendation on the book. I usually buy books recommended on here. Also, I understand the though process thing and wondering if you are simply growing up or if someone else is in charge. Maybe you even merged or fused, forgot the term, with an alter, or perhaps you are evolving and growing up. Either way, keep up the good work. And unity is key.

Feeling disoriented. have made big changes but doing my best to maintain routines. I got a pajama weekend in. and that was desperately needed.

amnesia seems to be a bit higher the last few weeks.

we are heading for the holiday season which is always hard for me. just on a general stress and time level. I need to be very careful the next few months to pace myself and not get too worn out.

learning self care has been a difficult and long road and I am still learning. but I no longer feel guilty about prioritizing restful times for self.

disturbing dreams. fitful sleep. amnesia suspicions and worries especially.

life goes on and I trust myself. we make good decisions. we stay safe. change is hard. even good change. things will settle down. even though I sometimes just feel shocked by all the changes I have made!!! but then I remind myself that we will be warm this winter....and there are reasons for making these changes.

free falling.....hope I feel grounded/centered sometime soon.
Team Bee hanging tough.