Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

bingo!!! progress!

I hit my head on August 12th and experienced a personality shift. things are settling down now. although I have made a big decision to let go of my old farmhouse out in the country and move to a city apartment.

I knew I had a part called me. she showed up in roll calls and the team bee photo gallery. but nobody understood her function.

me ' s job is crisis management. this is similar to snow but I guess snow would be more crisis intervention. me steps in and goes through our life being normal. no matter how upset we are me just keeps going.

our first memory of me was being in school at 15 years old, out in the hallway, hysterical. I don't know much about alter "creation". and this is the first instance of having any idea of when or how a part first manifested.

me is also the hero of getting us through when our mother passed away....when we had an infant in our arms to care for. me carried on. and the baby was happy, healthy, well, with great attachment!! thank you me!

and I guess hero is maybe a good descriptor for me. me soldiers on when nobody else can. the very nature of this function necessitates that me is one of the most dissociated parts from emotion. which means she is highly capable and brings an almost vulcanesque logic to decision making. this explains why me did not get frustrated and irritated with the dumbasses at work.

I would like to get closer to me and make her skills more accessible to the team! I always said it was some kind of miracle I didn't end up dead in a gutter or worse. and I think that maybe having me to rely on....when everything became too much. probably kept me away from what may have been some very detrimental things. mostly bad men and bad drugs. because me is so capable and self sufficient I didn't turn to these things in times of crisis. I turned to me and relied on her.

me just might be our superhero ♡

Hi me

It is an honor to meet you. Everyone needs a superhero - to be one is really fantastic.

See you around... Brett

BeccaBee wrote:
The thing I absolutely value most, above all else is TIME!!!

Time with the kid.
Time with myself.
Time to rest and do chores and tidy my house.
Time to travel and read and learn and relax.
Time.

and that is exactly what I never have.

so true. and a great perspective on things.
we seem to be in a constant struggle over time. there is not enough day for everyone to do everything.
i think i want to make it a new priority not to waste time.
thanks for the inspiration

BeccaBee wrote:the last 7 years were some kind of hell. onward brave soldiers! I think we sort of just shut down for a while and host went on. til she broke down and we have been rebuilding since November 2013. long road. this is confusing but there is a pervading sense of a new beginning.

a brave new world. with all of us working together. if we can figure out how.

this is very, very relateable to me; wow. at about age 15, i remember distinctly feeling that 'wow; i just woke up from some kind of sleep' feeling, strongly. vividly. it dissipated because some bad events caused me to dissociate badly during them, at that time. now at age 35... i have that feeling again. that which you described.

trying to minimize the chances of trauma now (if that's even possible; it feels much more likely now at age 35 than it did when i was 15...) and learned about DID... really feeling like i am 'feeling it', in regards to feeling-life and awareness, for the first time in maybe 20 years. cooking (like you said you are too,) got a changed hairstyle that is more in line with the consensus in me of how we should appear physically, other things...

i didn't have a sudden breakdown; more like, a hidden alter revealed themselves, and i learned what alters are, and was able to label my alters as such when i had previously thought that they were either imaginary or fantasy... also recently learned what dissociation even is (i had not known, and would feel terrified when it gripped me... now i know it for what it is, and can sit-it out, and it's pretty much less scary in knowing what it is.)

Hey Team BeccaBee just thinking of you and wondering how the move went. How are you feeling? Are you all settled? are you happy with the new place?

best of luck

thank you for checking with us Samsland.

the move went very smooth, we had everything planned and scheduled. the rain put a slight hiccup in my tuesday plans. but we are settling in well. I have the new place functioning. and I am relaxing in the evenings after work.

things are weird with my ex. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!

also... a strange timing. I had a performance review at work and got really great feedback. so that was cool. and then in an entirely unrelated occurrence I was invited to interview with the company for a really great opportunity in PNW. it's kind of yikes!!! it was so out of the blue. it's a good fit for me and my phone interview is already with 3 people. the incumbent, the boss, and HR senior. so I am thinking there is a good possibility? idk. it is such strange timing.

I think I am mostly trying to balance my stress levels with so much going on. trying to keep my reserves up so I can still cope with life. it has felt like a Rollercoaster lately.

I don't even want to unpack or set up internet service or car shop or anything until I see how this job opportunity pans out.

oh yeah. the transmission on my car is slipping. *not good*

Beccabee,

Glad your move went. It's weird but we get stressed from good things as much as bad things. Maybe more. We expect bad things. Or maybe we just react to good things like they were bad things. Idk.

Check your trans fluid. There's a procedure in your manual. You can't check it like oil. You could have a trans seal leaking and low fluid but the trans is still good. Lots of people get sold a new trans when it's just change the seal and add fluid.

Hey, maybe you're good at what you do. Here's to faster internet.

Colin

IainEtc wrote:Beccabee,
Check your trans fluid. There's a procedure in your manual. You can't check it like oil. You could have a trans seal leaking and low fluid but the trans is still good. Lots of people get sold a new trans when it's just change the seal and add fluid.
Colin

I knew Colin would know. Was going to say the same thing. Check YouTube and become YouTube certified first. Been there done that with my buddies tranny.

Also very glad your move went well and everything is looking up for you. Knew it would. Just had to hang in there right? Good going!

thanks for the support guys. the fluid looks clean, smells fine, levels are good. I am worried it's just a normal breakdown for this vehicle. 2011 hyundai elantra touring. probably just popped 106k on her. and I have driven the hell out of that thing.

I am actually pretty good underneath the hood of a car. I always had a knack for it. I had four brothers but none of them ever wanted to help my dad work on the car. I am not a mechanic by any means though. but I want to tell you this story. it's silly and off topic but I think you'll like it.

so when I was 10 or 11 we (my mom and my bros) were riding along and there was a fella broke down on the side of the road with his woman and their kid. and my mom wanted to stop to see if I could help. and I begged her not to embarass me. but she said she was sure I could help and you should always help people and be kind. sooooo.... she bloody hell turns around and pulls over and tells this middle aged guy her daughter can get his truck started. I was so mortified!! I was too short to see and I had to climb up and stand on the bumper. his choke was stuck. I fixed his choke with a pencil. dudes face was incredible! he was so shocked when it started right up. I wonder if he remembers that time a 10 year old girl got his truck going when he couldn't figure out what was wrong?

I think it's important for girls and women to learn about cars. and I do appreciate your advice to check the fluid. when it comes to vehicles a lot of woman get taken advantage of. the ones who try to take advantage of me regret it though!

I have about a zillion car stories. I can fix cars. but not computers. I never learned about that yet. but I want to!

I am glad you are my friends!!

BeccaBee wrote:
so when I was 10 or 11 we (my mom and my bros) were riding along and there was a fella broke down on the side of the road with his woman and their kid...

Hi. Pleased to meet you. That was a cool story. You should tell us more. I'd definitely like to hear them.

Have fun... Brett