Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

I have decided to limit therapy through the holiday season to once a month.

T said something about what purpose amnesia serves.

I kind of blanked but kind of not. so this is probably pre breakthrough cuz I get all wobbly.

she says there was a time where I needed the amnesia to go on. but now I don't need it anymore. but I don't know that.

thinking about that makes me very wobbly.

Here's hoping for a breakthrough for you Bee. I too get very weird bodily sensations before they come.

I have had near constant chatter in my head for the last few days. a lot of backseat driving going on. i think I have accidentally talked to myself out loud at work a few times at work. idk wtf is going on!

kind of tired of it. I would rather just switch or something because I don't like sharing and talking about stuff for so long. I want a ######6 break!

---oooh! yeah. so it's been like this since I got sick. maybe it is sickness or medication or whatever. I first noticed it last weekend so longer than a few days I guess.

anyway. it is making me tired. and it is hard to focus at work.

That's pretty interesting. When this all started for me around the time I made this account on these forums, I was extremely sick with the Flu. I remember laying there feeling like I was literally going to die, entire body hurt and felt sick, could not roll over to get a drink of sprite, burning with fever. And it happened. For some odd reason I became aware. They kind of introduced themselves (some of them) to I guess give me comfort. I don't know. Then after that everything else just unraveled. Just find it interesting that you said that.

And who cares if they hear you talk to yourself. Geniuses do it so yeah, your just smarter than them.

i sometimes talk to myself, i mean actually myself, not even anyone inside. who cares.
maybe you have a lovely voice and it should be heard more often. one way to start with yourself...

hope you get better quickly. being sick sucks.

today is going to be a doozie. I will get some practice in on riding the red dragon. work is sponsoring this masquerade ball, and I have had conflicted feelings ever since it was announced. wanting to go because c'mon! masquerade ball, that's like a bucket list life experience. it'll be hella fancy, super free, and dope - ass door prizes. but for the other part it's dressing up, leaving the house, up past my bedtime, kid with the sitter, social situations, aaahhhh!

this has become some kind of symbolic title Bout in my head between ME and the PTSD that controls me. that I affectionately call the red dragon. my nerves have really kicked in today. my date and kid are both very familiar with my nerves and also very supportive that I tackle it! or regret chickening out on a bucket list experience.

I am trying to ride the dragon. I know he will be there with me at the ball. vigilant and watchful. but I would like to do it without hyperarousal. instead of viewing it as me vs the dragon, I am trying to reframe it as a team effort. I have never been to a dance or ball or prom or anything due to my tumultuous adolesence. and even twere it to suck, I would at least like to cross it off the list. cinderella is going to the dang ball!

it reminds me of the 1 time I tried to go to prom. I had a date (completely forget who) but I remember the dress. there was a girl who looked a lot like me in one of my classes and she loaned me her dress from the year before. it was a deep jewel green, kind of Chinese styled with patterned silk that buttoned up the side. it fit perfectly. I looked amazing in it. another friend me loaned me some shoes and I could wear my mom's makeup because we had the same coloring. It was a go.....but! I got off work late that night due to a series of circumstance too trivial to relate. and my mother was mad when I got home late without subs for them. she wouldn't let me in the house. she wouldn't give me my dress. I was about sixteen. I asked my brother to smuggle the dress out a window but he was loathe to risk discovery and wrath by helping me. so I stayed in my work clothes, walked to a payphone, stood up my date, and missed prom. this is such a typical story of my early teen years.

fast forward a lifetime later and I am cinderella determined to not miss the ball! a gal can't live her whole life never going to a real dance! PTSD is not gonna keep me home tonight.

I did it! this was such a victory for me.

I actually went somewhere. I had a new babysitter--- in. my. house! I left the kid at night. I dressed up and stayed out past my bedtime. on a date with my buddy. and I did it. I didn't freak out.

I can't adequately verbalize what a BIG DEAL this was. mostly I think because the motivating factor for me to overcome is always the kid. I work for the kid. I go places and do things with the kid for the kid. but I did this for myself. just to prove to myself that I could! well I could. and I did. now I know that next time. I CAN! and I will!

savoring my victory.

celebrating with you!

Good going Becca, sounded like you needed and deserved this.

Yay Bee! I'm so happy that you were able to go and have such fun.