keep on keeping on

we are going to see the doc to discuss meds. there are other options and we can't figure out a good dosage for what we have already... its either not enough or makes us feel drunk but it felt like the drunk day with higher doses helped reduce the overall levels some.
all surgical stuff is pretty big, doesn't last or isn't covered by insurance. its just way too early for that.
this is more like a flare. too much stress + heat last week. I hope that with staying cool and unstressed it would go down, but its not really working when there is also an anniversary reaction...
I do have some stronger painkiller and I shouldn't be afraid to use them.
there is insurance stuff that needs to be figured out for more therapy as well as the endless struggle with the costs for travelling. there is little to be done on a sunday evening.
I need to find a way to deal with emotions. a relief. I feel like there is nothing but sadness or numbness these days.

Good to hear you will see the Dr and explore more options.
As for a feeling release, yes, that is invaluable.
Maybe some abstract drawing/painting? Sometimes I go all expressionistic with colours.
I hope you'll find something soon.

Hi birdsong,

I'm sorry you're suffering with all this. I wish there was some way we could help.

We hope the doc will have some better options & solutions for you with the meds.

V2

Hi,

You're not boring us either. And nobody is going to punish you for crying. They'd be total jerks for doing that. We are super glad you're letting us help by talking to us.

Iain & Cody

I would rather you write every single day about your pain and receive support and cheering! (because handling chronic pain is one of the most difficult burdens to bear in this life and every day you do it deserves a gold ######6 medal!!!!) sorry derailed.

I would rather you tell us than suffer in silence, alone.

and maybe the force will be strong with this doctor and he will have some yoda swamp stew for pain management and this heat wave will let up and cool autumn air will come and the light will change and maybe your face will barely even ache at all and you can dance with fresh air and sunlight between your fingers!

I tripled the meds I usually use to suppress the facial pain.
I've been on only 75mg Lyrica for a long time, taken in late morning.
now I do 75mg morning-noon-evening.
can't take more than that or we get in a drunk state that makes us slur and talk drunk talk and do drunk actions...
a normal dose would be 150 or more. 600mg over the day.
my hope is that we will get used to it a bit and be able to raise it slowly?
that is the plan for now because Lyrica is still better than gabapentin, which damages organs and might cause cancer. but that would be the next step.

I connected with some facebook groups concerning our issues. so so weird to talk to people whose mental health is kind of ok... so I am learning.
this seems like a 'flare' and if I manage to keep the stress down, take the meds for support and don't visit a sauna it might calm down and go back to the regular normal pain levels that I can handle.
almost like handling a flashback. just with body stuff.
the next 2 weeks are supposed to be cooler. with only a warm day here and there. starting tomorrow. celebrating the last hot day for a while.


our best friend is not doing well. he is seriously depressed. he sounds depressed. but when we talk I enter sympathetic arousal. danger? when I asked he admitted he is exploding with rage inside but can't express it. we are very worried about him and at the same time he is so incredibly unfair. I keep saying it is the depression speaking... damn it. we had a suicide conversation yesterday. all I wanted was to cry. he is the most important person in our life. but crying punishes itself.

our sleep is very much improved. I keep dreaming stuff that i think comes from other parts. Laura is still stuck in school, but she kind of knows we have a problem. her world now is all about managing school although we have a disability and it is harmless stuff, but we wish she was more oriented. it is like she is under a spell, living in a parallel world. the other stuff in the dreams is all about the worst trauma stuff, and details of the abuser clan ideology. memories of learning symbols. and ancestory. still only puzzle pieces.

we mastered the difficult day yesterday, Age very oriented and not wavering. she is trying to protect us from learned self-punishment or at least that is the best way I can understand it. she is like a wall of protection so very littles of the bad stuff got through. just memories without the flooding effect. I don't know how we can tell the T about it. there are no words. it feels like this cannot be spoken about.

A friend will take us out for dinner today and I am really looking forward to that. fancy restaurant. I need to shave our legs. there is still life happening outside the DID and chronic pain.

damn!!!! that is special if it qualifies for leg shaving!!!!!

hope its great!!

I'm glad you're doing something fun tonight!
I hope you have a good time.

Hi,

Hope you get some really good food. Be sure to tell us about it later ok?

Iain

the food was really good. and we could steal some of the roasted veggies from our friend.
and there was white chocolate-coconut-almond ice cream to finish it off. so amazing.
they also have very very fancy lemonades. we always stick to classic, orange+lemon this time. our friend had raspberry-mango
we talked about difficult stuff. but it was good to get it out. try to figure out what my responsibilities are in the situation. it is so weird, because we follow the same relationship guru and sometimes just brainstorm what he would do in that situation...
it was good to be downtown. see the sky. be outside in the real world.
I need to figure out the bus system in the city. can't walk all the way, but we need to go downtown more often.