Need Support

Monday, September 25, 2017:

oh, by the way....

our second brother, who's mildly disabled, was told by his landlord in august that they were selling the house, and that B2 had to move out by the end of october.

we haven't been withholding this information from our t on purpose. it's just that Charity wanted to focus on the issues that we were already working on--the bigs' childhood trauma. none of us expected that Deborah would be triggered by our brother having to move. the trigger was even worse for her because of the way the apartment hunt unfolded.

our brother works as a mailroom clerk. he can't afford any apartment without a monthly stipend from his inheritance. he knows his dollar range and spent a couple of weeks looking online. he ended up settling for a place even smaller than the one he's moving from.

[Laura: It's a dump.]

and he'll have to get rid of at least a couple of pieces of furniture. the living room is a glorified foyer. there's no screen door, and there's no door at the bottom of the stairs for privacy. the real estate agent wore old jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers.

[Laura: He was dressed to sit in his basement drinking beer. I wouldn't buy a doghouse from that guy, let alone a home for myself.]

we had to tell both of our brothers that we needed to keep our involvement to a minimum, because the situation was too stressful for us. as for Deborah being triggered, the fact that our brother can easily be taken advantage of, the fact that he's moving from a small place to an even smaller place, in a neighborhood we wouldn't live in, with a landlord we wouldn't rent from and an agent we wouldn't go to. i believe in equality and fairness. "one love," as they say now. but Deborah didn't feel safe with this.

Allegra told our brother that as long as he's comfortable there, and the landlord treats him fairly, it's up to him.

i'm glad that i'm only 16. i can help, and i want to help. but i wouldn't want to be in charge.

shawn (16/f)
__________

Today, September 27, 2017:

We want to give up. We're tired of trying. It's too much.

Stayed home from work today. Slight cold from lowered resistance from staying in bed all day Sunday and not eating. But we stayed home because we're tired of trying, and we want to give up.

We texted our T to ask if we could Skype tonight. We don't know why we keep bothering or she keeps bothering. It's pointless. We wish so much that we didn't have to be.

Bigs

Because you are a total bad ass.
Because you made it this far already.
Because the best is yet to come.
Because you keep fighting for healing, understanding, growth.
Because you are healing.
Because you are growing.
Because you are a total ######6 bad ass!

What a bummer that brother has to move to a shithole. One thing I can say about my extensive poverty stricken shithole experience is that it takes months or years to find the hidden jem at your price point. Maybe his dump of an apartment can be a temporary move while the search for a GOOD crib continues. and maybe I am.totally wrong due to region. but I suspect it's much the same in principle though different in scope.

The one thing that never changes is that everything changes.

Hi MDs,

Just letting you know it makes a difference to us what happens to you. Keep going so you can do something more fun later. I think we're messing this up. Just trying to say we know you're hurting and we're helping from a distance.

Iain, Evan, Colin, Cody

Thank you, BeccaBee people and IainEtc. people. We appreciate your support. It helped to talk to our T, although we're wary that the roller coaster of emotions is still in effect.

Yes, our brother's living situation is relatively temporary. The landlord has an underwater mortgage and is looking to sell the house for far more than it's worth. She hopes to sell it within six months, but that's not realistic.

Even if she did sell it, the buyer would have to completely renovate the basement, where the apartment is. So it's really up to our brother how long he stays. We just wish he had more financial flexibility.

Charity and others

my brother is also mildly disabled and he lives in public housing. when the state moved him he all but completely shut down. it was a hard time. I had just had my hysterectomy and had to fly long to assist him.

so many things in this world are hard. and I think that is a universal experience. with infinite unique flavors.

sending wishes that you will feel a little better each and every day. for a very long time. until you feel so much better it's amazing! and I truly believe it can happen!

and you will be fierce and drinking your snapple and rocking it

We have been on disability for the past 13 years (not from DID- lots of physical stuff), and spent most of that time with only the dad in our life (he was a good guy, so it's been hard since he died over a year ago). We tend to turn inward to those who have protected this body for decades. No outsiders have ever been supportive of "all" of us- so we have been cutting off more and more people.

I"m sorry if this is not helpful. Just know that you're not alone feeling isolated. It's hard.

Hi BeccaBee....Thanks. We're drinking our morning Snapple right now. We're still sniffling from a cold. Weather changes plus diminished resistance. We're going to follow up the Snapple with a decaf coffee.

Hi BLTnBigs....We love your system name. It makes us think of BLT sandwiches, which we've always liked. And we appreciate your empathy.

Charity and others

hey MDs, how ya feeling? kicked that nasty cold yest?

Nah, we're still dealing with it. Went from congested to nasal to barfy. The barfy is because

(TW and grossness alert)

we have sinus problems dating back to when we broke our nose in a car accident while in college. Even though we had the deviated septum repaired, we've always been plagued by postnasal drip, because the self-drying function never fully recovered. So we end up having to spit when our nose runs. And if we don't spit, it ends up in our stomach, and wah-la, nausea.

(end grossness)

Hopefully we'll get some rest this weekend. But we haven't been doing well on that front lately, because we get triggered when we're alone and have too much time to contemplate.

Laura (for the gross part) and Allegra (for the rest of the post)

that made me laugh. even though i still wish you to get better quickly.

is learning an option? to kill time. we always learn stuff when we start to get depressed because of too much thoughts, then memories, then feelings... downward spirale.
like watching TED talks or stuff like that. (someone is seriously reading Seneca!)