Need Support

birdsong87 wrote:that sounds like there is hope.
good job communicating

Thank you, Asti. Today was not good, and we are still not in a good place. It feels like a roller coaster.

Charity

It's Friday, but we feel like crap. We have to remain hypervigilant and stay triggered. That's the only way we can prepare for the trauma that never stops. Safety is an illusion, and illusion nonly brings worse pain.

Us

man, friday... how did that happen? and where did the week go...

any MD who is willing to make a plan for the weekend?
you could aim for one good meal, one good movie, one moment of self-care, ...

Asti isnt here right now and we are trying to imitate her. she always makes plans like that to get us thru the weekends and tough days.

take care

Thank you, L.

We just called or T and asked her if we could Skype tonight. She is available for this, although she said that tonight it wouldn't be until 9pm. We said that as long as it was okay with her, it was good for us.

One of our VPs at work is ordering pizza for our department. It's very hot and humid outside, and she wanted to do something nice so that people wouldn't have to go out for lunch. It almost makes us believe that some people are okay some of the time.

MDs

Our T just called us back to let us know that she rearranged her schedule so that she can Skype us at around 8pm instead of 9pm.

MDs

[TW for thoughts of violence. Hover over "missing" text to read.]

I can't possibly explain or quantify how angry I am with all of the other adults in our system.

They disappear. They stay disappeared. They leave me as the only one of us actually dealing with life on the outside. And with life on the inside.

Mary disappears whenever she can't handle anything beyond sitting alongside me. Deborah lives in a time warp filled with fear and flashbacks. Drew has been sitting by herself for years, her back against a tree at the edge of the woods in our innerworld, not wanting to deal with any of us, any part of our life, or anything period. Rachel hovers near the front, but it's all the rest of us can do to pool enough collective energy to keep her from beating the daylights out of any outside people who as much as breathe wrong.

For years--decades--I remained inside, unable to deal with reality, effectively forcing Laura and Allegra to manage day-to-day life, both inside and outside. I believe in fairness. Very strongly. What I did to them--and by extension, to all of the others--back then was definitely not fair. Nor was it the only unfair thing that I've done to all of us during our life. I have to live with what I've done, and they all have to live with what I've done. It's hard to not hate myself for all of the mistakes that I've made, especially those mistakes that have hurt others.

So the situation now feels like karma. I hurt our others for so long that they're getting retribution. Maybe they're not doing it consciously. But it still feels that way.

I worry for our health. The stress level takes a toll physically. The body is not nearly as young as we each see ourselves individually, and it won't get any younger.

Things can't continue like this. There are five of us adults for a reason; being an adult is too much for any one of us to handle alone. And I won't burden the teens or the children again, even if they are willing to help.

Charity

Hi Charity,

I see why you're angry. You're doing everything. That's exhausting.

I know you don't want to hurt the kids but I like helping Host and would be sad if he didn't want me to. I mean he gets that I'm 14 and make mistakes sometimes but he likes my help.

Stay safe.

Iain

Hi Iain,

Thank you. You certainly have a good point. We have a group of about half a dozen teens called The Babysitters, who help a great deal on the inside, taking care of the children and doing other domestic things. Back at the beginning, I envisioned myself as the perfect mother figure that we never had. I knew that I wasn't technically the mother of anyone else inside, but I still envisioned myself in the mothering role. When our system got too big for me to handle, I went inside. Only during the past few years in therapy have I worked on being out and dealing with outside life on a regular basis.

The Babysitters help because they want to help. And there are enough of them so that none is overburdened. But all of that work is on the inside, and they shouldn't have to deal with adult-level responsibility on the outside as well.

And ultimately, the issue is with the other adults. They challenged me, and now I'm challenging them. The tug-of-war has to stop. We're all on the same team, even if we sometimes don't want to be.

Charity

Hi Charity,

I think I understand better now. It's an adult thing. Thanks for being friends.

Iain

I hope that I didn't hurt your feelings, Iain. I'm sorry if I did. Our system is built on the principles of fairness and age-appropriate expectations. Your system or someone else's system may operate differently.

You're very helpful to your system and to people here. I hope that your others appreciate everything that you do, as well as who you are.

Charity
__________

I am here. I have been close by enough to know what is happening to our system when I'm not forward. I don't have any further explanation, nor am I making excuses. I am conflicted within, as Charity is, and if fairness means as much as it does to our system, then I deserve acceptance (not excuses, but acceptance) as much as Charity does.

The two of us are talking.

Mary