Need Support

One of the things that I've been struggling with for a while is my relationship with Mary. We've always been very close, and she's always been unfailingly supportive of me during my journey. The one problem is that she often disappears, sometimes for weeks at a time.

Most of our interactions and support-sharing have been about me. I know this and admit it freely. I also know that Mary feeds this dynamic because she's never been one to assert her own needs, or for that matter, to know what her needs are, or even who she is.

She's the "good girl" that I always thought I should be, the kind, quiet, supportive person I always thought I should be. Even though I look back and resent having to live up to other people's expectations, at the same time I resent Mary for being better than I was at being that "good girl." It's as if she stole from me the only person that I believed I was supposed to be.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense to people who read it. I do know that there are a lot of "shoulds" tangled up in our collective life history. I want a supportive person on the inside who is strong enough and healthy enough to focus on me without needing to worry about her own needs. Selfish of me? Yes. Very selfish of me? Also yes. I want and need the unconditional nurturer that I never had, and I've been burdening Mary with that role.

I know that I've been burdening her. But one our a week with our T isn't enough to offset that need. And we can't get this from other outside relationships, even if we did trust someone enough. One-way nurturing has an intrinsic imbalance of power because of the fact that the nurturer becomes a substitute parent. There's no way around this. We know what an imbalance of power can do to outside relationships, especially to the person on the short end of it, and we're not going there.

I just don't know how to deal with my own neediness.

Charity

MakersDozn wrote:It's as if she stole from me the only person that I believed I was supposed to be.

Hey MDs,

I keep reading that line. and I am not sure how it resonates with us, but I get it. Charity, we struggle with neediness too. It is such a tough thing. neediness or complete lack of need. something that comes to mind is it is like only figuring out you need food when you are absolutely starving and it is all you can think about. Is it possible for you to take sips of water instead of waiting until you are dehydrated? (I have no idea why that was suggested.)

Thank you for writing back, SamsLand. We appreciate your letting us know that some aspect of what we're saying resonates with you.

We don't think that the dehydration metaphor applies here, though. I've always known that we're needy; it's just that right now, the feeling is overwhelming us.
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We're feeling a lot of abandonment right now. Deborah was triggered when we found out that our regular TV programs were pre-empted because of Memorial Day. Then I thought, why doesn't Mary reach out to Deborah? Is it because Deborah's feelings are so entangled with mine right now that Mary would have to deal with me as well? Or is it, as Allegra suggests, that Mary's just too depleted to deal with anybody?

We feel like this little child who never had....anything safe to hold on to, anything safe to leave home from or come home to again. No anchor. Just a big, frightening outside world with nobody safe to hold on to. Not that we had anybody to hold onto at home, either.

Not safe. The world is not safe. The world is big and frightening and not safe.

Charity and Deborah

Hi Charity, hi Deborah,

I also feel a yawning need for attention. I also feel like there is no safe haven, or at least that there never was in the past. When I was host, I got my needs met by professionals because my neediness drove everyone else outside away. Now, I just feel hungry. How does Mary feel about all this? If Support is a role that fulfills her there is no problem. If she feels used then there is some work to do.

Terrin

Hi Terrin,

Thank you for writing back.

ColouredLeaves wrote:How does Mary feel about all this?

Someone at another site asked us the same question after we posted about this over there. I said that Mary wouldn't tell me if she thought that I was being too needy. Allegra might, for my own good and for the good of the system. But I don't think that Mary would want to risk hurting my feelings, even if she knew that being honest with me is the right thing. More likely, she'd try to help me see my neediness by myself.

ColouredLeaves wrote: If Support is a role that fulfills her there is no problem. If she feels used then there is some work to do.

I wouldn't say that she feels used. More like she wants our relationship to be more balanced. I understand this. When it comes to relationships, I share her values. Neither of us believe in roles. But just as I contribute to the problem by feeling needy, she contributes by not making an effort to know herself. Not making an effort to step outside her own comfort zone. Not making an effort to be more than someone who simply listens and supports.

It's her journey too. And Deborah's journey, and Rachel's journey, and Drew's journey. It's not just my journey. We all have to work on it.

Charity

hello MDs. we are hoping for you.

Hi, purple BeccaBee person.

Thanks for posting. This is a difficult process for our bigs, and they appreciate all the support from friends like you.

Allegra

Well, I wanted Mary to come back. She finally came back. She agreed to work on her own issues and do her fair share of adult responsibility.

She also said that if I keep focusing on myself, making unhealthy choices over healthy ones, and engaging in self-centered behavior at the expense of others, she'll have to re-evaluate the future of our relationship.

No one outside of that relationship can truly know what it's like or what this means. Please don't jump to conclusions. The fact that she or anyone else has needs doesn't invalidate or diminish my needs. And it doesn't change the fact that her challenge to me creates a situation where she has power over me no matter what I decide.

I got what I asked for.

Charity

***Trigger Warning - Physical Restraint***

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Charity: After our discussion earlier this week I had this vision of myself lying prone on my stomach on the floor, with Mary sitting on my lower back, facing sideways and keeping me from moving. She didn't have any particular expression on her face; she was simply constraining me and leaving me disempowered.

***End Trigger Warning***

I'm tired of going around in circles, trying to no avail to get people inside and out to see things from my point of view. I deserve validation. We all deserve validation. We deserve validation regardless of how healthy we are or how well we take care of ourselves. We need to be nourished by validation and acceptance the way we're nourished by protein and carbohydrates. Some people may not need so much of this nourishment. But I'm not one of them.

So when someone significant in my life, particularly Mary, leaves me with an ultimatum, I get angry. I suppose this is a good thing on some level, because earlier in life I believed that anger was a Bad Thing. I got depressed instead. I'm finally learning that I have a right to my feelings. I just wish it weren't such a difficult lesson to learn or to live by.

Mary: So on Wednesday evening I was around after perhaps several weeks of....not being around. It made sense for me to be the one to talk to our T this time. Charity didn't object, so I took my turn.

C: I didn't object, because I think it's important for each of us adults to do our part to work on our healing. Mary knows this; I'm just stating it here for the record. I don't want to get into the issue of whether I'm putting pressure on anyone else, especially given that others inside pressured me to do the work that I've been doing. I'm not trying to get back at anyone else. I have just as much right to have expectations of the others as they have the right to have expectations of me.

M: I agree that we each have our own work to do, and that each person's work is essential to our healing as a whole. I agree that it's not fair to Charity or to others that I keep disappearing. I agree that I have an obligation to myself and to the system to find out why I keep disappearing, what formative trauma lies at the root of this issue, and what work I need to do on myself to improve the way I function. I want the relationship between Charity and me to flourish, not to deteriorate.

I stand by my belief that Charity needs to make healthier choices. I stand by my belief that she can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. And I stand by my belief that none of this means that I don't validate Charity's feelings or her right to be who she is.

C: Hearing all of this made me feel less backed into a corner. As if Mary literally got off my back and rescinded the ultimatum that had felt so threatening to me earlier. If she's willing to adjust the way that she approaches things, then I am as well.

We played SuDoku on the train home last night, Mary and I. I have no interest in activities based on logic or anything that involves analysis. My lifeblood is feelings and values. But I knew that working on the puzzles together would strengthen the bond between us that had been so painfully....tested....in recent days. We didn't solve the puzzle, but we made a very good run at the majority of it, especially considering that it was marked at top difficulty. And I could resist the urge to berate myself or slip into depression for not being perfect.

M: We can continue to work together and individually. Both of us.

that sounds like there is hope.
good job communicating