Angry teen alter interfering with family life

am4kds,
Thank you for writing. Very helpful. No time to write but I appreciate your support and hope you're doing ok.

I read something interesting in a a neuropsychology textbook about dissociative disorders. I think I could have found this elsewhere, but that's where I found it. It is that often people have angry teen alters, but their anger is not really teenage anger, it is the rage of a child. This struck a chord for me. I do have at least one rage child alter (who once came out and had a temper tantrum--stomping and shouting even--in a meeting at work, confusing everyone present because I am so mild mannered), but the anger of this angry teen alter is so intense and deep. It just somehow makes sense that his anger is not just the anger of terrible things during my teen years.

That said, I have made very little progress with him. He is affecting my family life and I want very, very much to help him so that my children never have to see me acting the way he acts. He doesn't abuse them directly, but he is not a wholesome presence for little children. If my husband had DID and an alter like this, I don't know what I would do. I think I would just try to limit their contact with him. But it's me who has it and I am their primary caregiver.

My T recommends getting him to write in a journal rather than say his angry stuff out loud. He is a protector figure and more action based so when he is around I can never remember to get out a journal. But even if I did remember, it seems emotionally dangerous to do this while the kids are around. And in general he is mainly triggered by being around the kids. The couple times he has written, he doesn't seem to have that much to say beyond things like f-you. And I guess it is him who believes that my children are spoiled and should just do as they are told no matter what. Is that all there is to him? Does he have rational thoughts? I really don't understand how this works.

In another thread, I wrote how another alter of mine kind of went into hiding to avoid causing problems. It's interesting that this happened, because it shows how he has his own thoughts/process. I had always secretly thought that Alex and I were the same but I was in denial about it or something. Now I realize he really is pretty separate.

And the same thing with my angry teen alter. Sometimes it's very confusing, and I'll convince myself that I must just be refusing to take responsibility for my anger, that there is no alter involved. But there are days when I'm having a great day and really feel no need to be angry, but angry teen feels the need to express himself. They are more autonomous than I ever imagined.

I want so much to know how to help angry teen become happier and less angstful. I hope things get better over time, and that I figure out how to keep him away from my kids so that they don't have to see their mom acting like an angry, insolent teen.

I have this alter that seems trapped in an abusive dynamic with another alter a lot of the time. It doesn't affect my outer life that much. It's more of an inner thing. At first I thought this was all he did, but I am beginning to see he may be more than just a copy of an abuser.

I think he has some kind of connection to my angry teenage boy, but I don't know yet what it is.

What confuses me is that I encountered what I later assumed was the angry teenage boy when I was 15, but back then he wasn't angry, at least not at me. He told me of his life (an alternate life completely separate from mine.) I thought it all very quaint that my mind somehow "gave" me this person to talk to. Soon after that, I encountered two dangerous situations that an angry alter protected me from, as well as a few threatening but not traumatic situations. I didn't understand what was happening. I saw a person acting on my behalf or in alternate realities, and I later identified these actions with the boy I had met from my mind. But the feeling of the person who did these actions seems totally different from the feeling of the boy I had met in my mind (who was clearly based on a real life person.) So I feel like this abuser alter may actually be the one who rescued me, not the boy I met. Whatever the case, I have called the angry teenage boy alter by the name of the boy I met. The abuser copy I have considered an "evil" or zombie version of the boy I met, so that the three are like three aspects of the same person. But I'm not so sure that's the way it is. Maybe the boy I met has nothing to do with the angry teen alter or the abuser one. (Hmm. Not good to be calling him an abuser since he really doesn't abuse outer people. But I don't think he is copresent with me...)

Today I was having problems staying present and had the opportunity to take some time to be alone. Some one or two of those three mentioned above came out. Instead of sensing malevolence or some great urge to abuse, I felt he was trapped and limited. I felt myself in his mind and tried to talk to him. I don't think he could hear me and I could not sense his thoughts or feelings. Angry teen alter was active occasionally today, but he feels pretty different from the one I just described, more fluid and present.

If I could just talk to them directly it would help a lot.

Nondescript wrote:My T recommends getting him to write in a journal rather than say his angry stuff out loud. He is a protector figure and more action based so when he is around I can never remember to get out a journal. But even if I did remember, it seems emotionally dangerous to do this while the kids are around. And in general he is mainly triggered by being around the kids. The couple times he has written, he doesn't seem to have that much to say beyond things like f-you. And I guess it is him who believes that my children are spoiled and should just do as they are told no matter what. Is that all there is to him? Does he have rational thoughts? I really don't understand how this works.

I was thinking on passing this post, because nothing came to mind. But re-reading it, I thought of something:

what if instead of a journal, you leave a set for him to display his rage in artful way? Maybe leaving a white canvas, and some paints for him to express how he feels. Channelling words when that angry can be difficult, so maybe doing, splashing, smashing things can help, and can have a meaning for him too.

Sea

Sea,
I think your idea of finding an alternate channel of expression is smart. Not art, because he hates anything that could be construed as "girly." Alex once said that weight lifting or martial arts would be good for him. So hard to find time for everything.

Today while I was alone (sans kids and spouse) I went into a trance and felt myself saying a lot of words, talking out loud to my angry teen part, Terry. Terry started answering, and at first it was mostly just swearing. Then I realized it wasn't really me talking to him; it was another male alter. It seemed kind of like Alex, but more depressed and no nonsense, and kind of like Ace in a bad mood.

Terry talked more than he has in years. It is hard to write this. Alex or Ace (?) said he knew that Terry had protected us on many occasions starting from long ago. As soon as he said this, I felt a whoosh of sadness and truth. Alex thanked Terry, who responded angrily, saying he had no choice because I (B.) was so bad at defending myself and still continued to be. Then he referred to specific traumatic events from our history and said that he had been left to handle them alone. Alex apologized and said he would never expect Terry to go through anything like that ever again. (I had an interesting experience of seeing Alex's mind for a moment, his image of himself at that age, and his awareness that he never could have done what Terry did.) Alex said he wanted Terry to have a better life and would help him. It seems hazy, but I remember Terry making some kind of threat, and Alex lecturing him and telling him that we share one body so we have to cooperate.

After Terry "left," I tried to talk out loud to Alex through Alex, but I couldn't. I just watched him unloading the dishwasher and appreciated his presence while at the same time noticing how unhappy and dejected he seemed. I felt like the ghost of Christmas past hovering around him. Then my husband and kids got home and we switched.

This is big progress, but I feel really messed up and afraid (of what?). I am also impressed by how Alex handled Terry, and it makes me even more concerned about Alex's situation. They both did really well.

p.s. This is so personal, I almost didn't want to share it online. But this angry teen alter situation seems common. Maybe this thread will help someone else someday.

Hi B,

WOW! ^_^ This is a huge breakthrough!

I was trying to sleep, couldn't, so I thought of checking here.

Nondescript wrote:I think your idea of finding an alternate channel of expression is smart. Not art, because he hates anything that could be construed as "girly." Alex once said that weight lifting or martial arts would be good for him. So hard to find time for everything.

This is a great idea. I thought about the canvas because of your love for arts, but martial arts or weight lifting sounds awesome!

When I broke up with a guy I was seeing, before Gastby, I did some Body Combat. It was a great way of relieving all the anger and sadness I felt at that moment. Cool, martial arts, so cool.

Nondescript wrote:Today while I was alone (sans kids and spouse) I went into a trance and felt myself saying a lot of words, talking out loud to my angry teen part, Terry. Terry started answering, and at first it was mostly just swearing. Then I realized it wasn't really me talking to him; it was another male alter. It seemed kind of like Alex, but more depressed and no nonsense, and kind of like Ace in a bad mood.

Terry talked more than he has in years. It is hard to write this. Alex or Ace (?) said he knew that Terry had protected us on many occasions starting from long ago. As soon as he said this, I felt a whoosh of sadness and truth. Alex thanked Terry, who responded angrily, saying he had no choice because I (B.) was so bad at defending myself and still continued to be. Then he referred to specific traumatic events from our history and said that he had been left to handle them alone. Alex apologized and said he would never expect Terry to go through anything like that ever again. (I had an interesting experience of seeing Alex's mind for a moment, his image of himself at that age, and his awareness that he never could have done what Terry did.) Alex said he wanted Terry to have a better life and would help him. It seems hazy, but I remember Terry making some kind of threat, and Alex lecturing him and telling him that we share one body so we have to cooperate.

Wow, this is powerful. Johnny-Jack, and many others, have constantly said that thanking, truly thanking, each one for what they've gone through make something powerful happen inside. And well, here it happened.

What Alex or Ace did was so wise. Terry has every right to feel that angry, later on he might understand that you also had a reason to act the way you acted, and that you were separated for a reason, but now you are encountering yourselves again, and you are a team now.

Maybe Terry can find a new job in the system now, and be an active part with you all.

Co-consiousness, it seems like you had a very close view of Alex's mind. I wonder if this more depressed version of Alex you sensed is Alex himself going through this rough time.

B, wow, you were incredibly open and brave to receive all of this. Great progress. So happy for you all!!!

Nondescript wrote:After Terry "left," I tried to talk out loud to Alex through Alex, but I couldn't. I just watched him unloading the dishwasher and appreciated his presence while at the same time noticing how unhappy and dejected he seemed. I felt like the ghost of Christmas past hovering around him. Then my husband and kids got home and we switched.

:/

Nondescript wrote:This is big progress, but I feel really messed up and afraid (of what?).

This is great progress, but it is a lot to take in. It's barriers breaking down, it's knowing what's been compartmentalized for years, so the messed up feeling and being afraid, is completely normal. Afraid of what might come, afraid of knowing, afraid of feeling; that's why you were so brave, you've conquered this moment.

Nondescript wrote:I am also impressed by how Alex handled Terry, and it makes me even more concerned about Alex's situation. They both did really well.

Yeah, I know. I'm thinking about Alex. It was a team effort, you included.

Nondescript wrote:p.s. This is so personal, I almost didn't want to share it online. But this angry teen alter situation seems common. Maybe this thread will help someone else someday.

Again, so brave here. Wanna say more, but dunno what.

Sending you calming vibes to re-gain some energy after all this happened.

Sea

PS: I don't think that art is girly; however, I find it cool he'd make some martial arts.

Nondescript wrote:
p.s. This is so personal, I almost didn't want to share it online. But this angry teen alter situation seems common. Maybe this thread will help someone else someday.

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experiences especially since they are so personal. They are helpful for me today. My situation is not exactly the same but I do have an angry teenage alter than I am confused how to deal with. I literally have no idea where to begin. She says angry hurtful things to my family when she breaks though. She is angry most of the time but it usually just simmers but something specific has made her very ragefull (not a word but it describes it) ironically involving our current therapist and because of this I am having a very hard time keeping her from popping out.

Anger is an emotion that I as host don't know how to deal with so I am confused how to help her but I like the suggestion that Sea offered you about giving her an outlet. I don't think jouranling would be productive as I think it would most be cursing at my therapist and get us nowhere but art may help her.

Anyways, don't want to hijack your thread - just wanted to share that it has been helpful to me. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
-K

I am new to this forum and I feel so excited to have found you wonderful folks!

I do not share my personality information with many people and like to try my best to keep my life private. What I have learned, and am still learning, is that I can continue to be as private as I want but still reach out for help. So here I am.

I am a 52 yr female and have been dealing with dissociation for many years in therapy, meditation, and recovery from alcohol and drugs for 29 years. I have had younger parts that I was able to integrate fairly easily through the years. These parts never felt as distinct and separate as my angry, volatile, suicidal, adolescent (15) named Bobbi. Bobbi is female but dresses like a male and identifies as a lesbian (as do I, Diane, the host of the show).
*Trigger Warning*
Until recently, Bobbi had nothing to say to me except "FU, you are an A##, shut the F up, I hate you and I will never be like you, I just want to die don't talk to me about anything else." Bobbi scared me. A lot..... Bobbi has taken many reckless chances after bumping Diane because Bobbi hates/hated Diane's life: Kids, committed relationship....... " F*** that S**t," says my Bobbi.
*End*
I started very slowly to talk to Bobbi about what she liked. Many times I got " FU". I know that Bobbi is my protector alter, tough one, who holds more pain then any 15 should ever experience. I try to think of Bobbi as a troubled teen and so when she says FU, I try and say "I"m sorry you are in so much pain Bobbi. To which Bobbi would often reply FU. In time, Bobbi started to see that I wasn't going to stop trying to connect with her no matter how hard she pushed me away. It began communication between us. Now Bobbi will ask me to buy her chips in a store and when I say "Bobbi I don't really eat chips because I have to watch my weight, she replies FU." I have learned to compromise as well.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope there is something in my experience that can help you. I learned that Bobbi is not just angry but also very sad and distraught as well. Sometimes anger is the easiest emotion for her to express but by being patient she comes around.

Peace,
Diane

When I was getting to know Melissa I was so resentful of her and what her anger/acting out had resulted in throughout our life. I didn't care to know exactly what she had experienced for her to act like that or feel like that. I didn't care to think that she was in many ways our protector. It just upset me that she was always angry and hated our life now and hated being in a family. It was so, so hard.

One of the first ways she communicated (other than a nasty email to my T) was when I was trying to get her to write. She would not write in the journal, so I opened a word document on the computer and left it open...a little later she started writing on it and when she was through all she had done was basically write F U out over and over using every single one of the fonts in the program. Pages of F U. But, you know what after that I could tell she felt a little bit better and it cracked open the door between us.

I know a little more about her now. She isn't very forthcoming about her experiences. But, she is sharing, slowly. And, I can understand her anger at the world a bit more. We've kind of reached a compromise that she gets her time to do her thing, as long as she doesn't do anything over the top or lash out inappropriately at people around us. Early on her complaint about me was that I was a doormat and she wouldn't have to be such a bitch if I stood up for us once in awhile. She is getting better at sending me warnings that things are getting to heavy for us, and I am trying to be aware so I can step away and let things settle or just leave the situation.

This month she has really gotten a lot of time...one thing or another. She is the shopper and has actually enjoyed spending time around my teens. Unfortunately, we are now having to address a little spending problem she has and some entitlement issues. *sigh* We did make it through the holiday/family season with no blow-ups...nothing. That is just short of amazing. She was having an issue with one thing and she addressed it firmly, but appropriately with my husband.

Six months ago if you had told me that Melissa and I would be getting along the way we are I would have laughed. I think I did at my T. For us, the solution was time for Melissa. Somehow. The more time she got to appropriately vent her anger, the more she has shared and the more calm she has gotten. The flip side of her anger and rage contains some very positive attributes.

Sea, thank you for your reply and your support and ideas. So helpful that you are here.

Deliah and crew, I am so glad to hear that some of this rambling is helpful. Thank you for communicating that. I wish you all the best.

Bodhicitta, welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. Look forward to reading more from you in the future. I really love how you have found some healing with Bobbi.

am4kds, your and Bodhicitta's stories are so instructive. I appreciate your sharing such a high level of detail. This information reminds me that my therapist said the ones with the most distress need the most care and attention. I have rarely thought of my angry teen alter as being distressed in recent years because I had no idea that's what it was. But now that I'm aware, I am beginning to internalize that this behavior is from a being in need of help. And that it's not theoretical. He really needs help.

I'm not in a good state this evening. but I did want to reply. Terry's outbursts have been decreased since my breakthrough, but today he started again.