Angry teen alter interfering with family life

One of the things that made me start realizing about my DID was an angry teenager part (and maybe another part) that really doesn't like kids and has a bad attitude. I am a super conscientious parent in general and went through great lengths to be mentored and educated about how to parent my children with gentle discipline, good boundaries, emotional warmth, and awareness. Despite this, like many parents, I have angry outbursts at times. But mine go beyond just "feeling angry and having a hard time dealing with it." I became aware that what was happened went beyond "my issues" (although of course ultimately all the issues are "my issues.")

One alter in particular that keeps getting triggered is one who came out during emergency situations during my adolescence (and maybe younger). He really objects to the wife/motherhood role itself, hates kids and how "we" parent, and this seems to be part of what brings him out in moments of parenting stress. (It doesn't always happen, though. Sometimes he is "available" and sometimes not.) Luckily, he isn't physically abusive, but his attitude is horrible and he can be verbally abusive. Most of the time another part of me can stop him from being able to say or do anything mean, or if something does slip out, it can immediately be dealt with to minimize the negative impact on my daughter and baby. It is totally exhausting and demoralizing when that part is nearby and I'm having to try to fight him. This is not what I want for my daughters.

My husband assures me that he has never seen anything that slips into the "alarming abuse" range from my behavior, that all parents have their moments, and I am not ruining my children's chances for an emotionally healthy future. But I am alarmed by this part's behavior, and it triggers me, I guess.

This has been one of those days struggling with that part of me. I never know when he is going to be a problem, and I can't communicate with him except through seeing his actions. I know he helped me when I was younger and has been through horrible things in his experience. His gender dysphoria is extreme and his life is very limited. I feel bad for him, but also sad that he is interfering in my family life. Thanks for letting me vent.

Trigger Warning for OP: asking some nosy questions below

I personally think venting is a healthy thing sometimes and people should let themselves vent when they need to do so.

I can't offer you any advice, but some things I couldn't help but notice:

You the host are a woman, right? Sometimes when I have read your posts I thought you were a guy, but now I'm not sure why I thought that. But this teenage alter identifies as male and has gender dysphoria, right?

And then you have daughters. So it sort of seems like this alter might be feeling triggered since they deny that they (as a part of you) were ever a little girl? Maybe you being a good parent to your daughters is triggering something that this alter was created to 'block' in a way, like maybe they are comparing their subconscious experience as a little girl to the experience of your daughters, maybe they feel it isn't fair or something?

Sorry if this is triggering, but I am just wondering if this teenage boy alter may have been created to replace the reality of being a young female in a bad family situation, and is now being triggered by observing young females with good parents?

In any case sounds like maybe this alter really needs some therapy time, if they are willing and it is doable.

CopperMoon wrote:I personally think venting is a healthy thing sometimes and people should let themselves vent when they need to do so.

Emotional care and management are good, but angry outbursts around children, not so good.

CopperMoon wrote:You the host are a woman, right? Sometimes when I have read your posts I thought you were a guy, but now I'm not sure why I thought that. But this teenage alter identifies as male and has gender dysphoria, right?

Very perceptive of you. Yes, our body is female, as is our public persona. But our primary identities and hosts are mostly male or androgynous. We're often "Mr. Mom." Not to mention Mr. Wife. Haha.

CopperMoon wrote:And then you have daughters. So it sort of seems like this alter might be feeling triggered since they deny that they (as a part of you) were ever a little girl? Maybe you being a good parent to your daughters is triggering something that this alter was created to 'block' in a way, like maybe they are comparing their subconscious experience as a little girl to the experience of your daughters, maybe they feel it isn't fair or something?

I think this angry part never was a little girl. He has a different life history than the body's until age 15. In any case, I don't know the dynamics behind his issues.

CopperMoon wrote:In any case sounds like maybe this alter really needs some therapy time, if they are willing and it is doable.

This part received a big dose of psychiatric abuse during adolescence. I don't know if he will ever submit to therapy directly.

Thanks for your reply!

Hmm, well I will keep an eye on this thread if you ever have any updates. I am unsure of how to deal with angry/disruptive/sabotaging/etc ones if they don't want to heal or get better (or if in the case of your alter, they are afraid of the things that could help them heal and get better, so maybe it just comes across as refusal to cooperate). Like you said, such alters can't be permitted to do bad things, yet I also worry that it will be more damaging in the long run to just 'lock them up' (so to speak). But what are the other options? Feels like there is only (A) let them do bad things, or (B) lock them away. Neither seems healthy and it is quite the dilemma.

Nondescript,

I am right there with you again. Things have gotten a bit better as time has gone on. Acknowledging the issues, the feelings that Melissa has with our life has been the biggest help. I think she realizes that we are not going to leave the family at this point, but we are discussing ideas for the future that can be "hers". Even though I can communicate with Melissa, the most effective method has been when she talks to our T or through journaling.

I never signed up to be a wife and mother. All that crap...just another way for us to be used. Everybody else is on board with it and there isn't anything I can do about it now. But, I'm watching. Amy wanted me to talk about why I've "chilled", whatever. I told Amy and our T that I wouldn't have to come out so much if Amy could learn to stand up for herself and I didn't have to constantly save her ass, Amy's trying so I am trying. Plus they say that we might go back to college or get a job once things settle down and I really want to do that.

I still could care less about the whole family thing and her husband drives me ape $#%^. I just don't come out for it anymore. If I'm out I just chill and listen to my music and draw. I get my time doing what I want and let the others who want all the family crap deal with it. The only thing I still have to do is drive, because Amy drives like a grandma.

am4kds wrote:Nondescript,

I am right there with you again. Things have gotten a bit better as time has gone on. Acknowledging the issues, the feelings that Melissa has with our life has been the biggest help. I think she realizes that we are not going to leave the family at this point, but we are discussing ideas for the future that can be "hers". Even though I can communicate with Melissa, the most effective method has been when she talks to our T or through journaling.

Thank you, Amy! I have to admit that I am a little afraid of communicating with this part. I tend to imagine he must not have that much to say if he's so full of vitriole--so uncivilized and unreasonable. But that's so judgmental of me. I realize that his emotional pain and suffering is much worse than mine, and that his issues are really depressing. I guess communication will be a huge key. (Duh.)

am4kds wrote:I never signed up to be a wife and mother. All that crap...just another way for us to be used. Everybody else is on board with it and there isn't anything I can do about it now. But, I'm watching. Amy wanted me to talk about why I've "chilled", whatever. I told Amy and our T that I wouldn't have to come out so much if Amy could learn to stand up for herself and I didn't have to constantly save her ass, Amy's trying so I am trying. Plus they say that we might go back to college or get a job once things settle down and I really want to do that.

I still could care less about the whole family thing and her husband drives me ape $#%^. I just don't come out for it anymore. If I'm out I just chill and listen to my music and draw. I get my time doing what I want and let the others who want all the family crap deal with it. The only thing I still have to do is drive, because Amy drives like a grandma.

Melissa, it is so good to hear your perspective. It must be so annoying to be in this life that you feel you'd never choose for yourself. I'm glad that you are going to get to do something for you in time, and that now you are getting your own time to be you at least a little. I hope the alter of mine that I'm talking about reads what you wrote. Maybe we can work out similar stuff for him. Thanks for the good ideas.

Nondescript wrote:Thank you, Amy! I have to admit that I am a little afraid of communicating with this part. I tend to imagine he must not have that much to say if he's so full of vitriole--so uncivilized and unreasonable. But that's so judgmental of me. I realize that his emotional pain and suffering is much worse than mine, and that his issues are really depressing. I guess communication will be a huge key. (Duh.)

You should see some of the emails Melissa wrote to our T about me before the two of us could communicate. There are not enough alternate characters to replace her word choices. Melissa had no desire to work with me or anyone else. She was done being another part and wanted to come out full-time and do what she wanted.

Her attitude about my children and my husband still really hurt. But, she is right that she just really chooses not to come out around them anymore. In one way I actually spend less time each day in their presence, but when I am there I am not so fearful of these sudden angry outbursts that use to scare me so much. She does spend some time with the older two here and there, and it has been mostly good when she has. I have hopes that her attitude towards them will start changing as her time with the kids is positive.

*Trigger Warning for Sexual Content*

I wish I had some experience for you regarding the gender dysphoria, but I don't. Melissa is bisexual and gets huge crushes on other women, but I guess I am so use to that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Melissa may crush on women, but her actual sexual interest is as low as mine so I have no concerns that she will act on anything.
*end Trigger Warning*

Patience has become a mantra for me regarding any of my parts. I tend to problem-solve and want immediate resolutions, but nothing has worked like that. I've been in communication with Melissa for six months and this is where we have gotten...better but still needs work.

am4kds wrote:You should see some of the emails Melissa wrote to our T about me before the two of us could communicate. There are not enough alternate characters to replace her word choices. Melissa had no desire to work with me or anyone else. She was done being another part and wanted to come out full-time and do what she wanted.

That is reassuring that you started at that point just a few months ago and have made so much progress. I'm genuinely impressed.

am4kds wrote:Her attitude about my children and my husband still really hurt. But, she is right that she just really chooses not to come out around them anymore. In one way I actually spend less time each day in their presence, but when I am there I am not so fearful of these sudden angry outbursts that use to scare me so much. She does spend some time with the older two here and there, and it has been mostly good when she has. I have hopes that her attitude towards them will start changing as her time with the kids is positive.

This raises the point of time crunch. Parts of me really need and demand space, but when you are caring for tiny children, there's not an abundance of that. I have times when this teen part is not involved, and life is so much nicer and easier. *sigh*

am4kds wrote:*Trigger Warning for Sexual Content*
I wish I had some experience for you regarding the gender dysphoria, but I don't. Melissa is bisexual and gets huge crushes on other women, but I guess I am so use to that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Melissa may crush on women, but her actual sexual interest is as low as mine so I have no concerns that she will act on anything.

As a whole, I am a mess of gender and sexual identity issues. I am glad you don't have to deal with the gender issues. I have the same issues you mention with regards to sex. And it seems like other parts of me have just given up on getting what they want. Or maybe I've blocked them so fully. This is one thing that scares me, that if I embrace the other parts of me, I will be compelled to listen to their relationship and all their other needs. Talk about endlessly complicated. I don't even know how most parts of me feel about my sweet husband.
*end trigger*

am4kds wrote:Patience has become a mantra for me regarding any of my parts. I tend to problem-solve and want immediate resolutions, but nothing has worked like that. I've been in communication with Melissa for six months and this is where we have gotten...better but still needs work.

Yeah, patience. Not the answer we want to hear! Thanks for your input. It helps.

Having a lot of difficulty with this today. Again. Yesterday while fighting influence from the bitter girl, I spoke to her in my head and she spoke back. I was stunned. No time for a big conversation and what she said was basically, leave me alone. But it was so strange feeling. I had not expected anything.

This morning I was struggling with angry teen boy and real children. I went to a room alone and talked out loud to him. Something different happened. He fully took over the body to respond, causing me to lose a little time, but I heard his voice and it is so different from mine but I recognize it from the deep past when he would defend me. I guess in my daily life issues he doesn't switch all the way, just strongly influences me most of the time. I don't think I accepted how "real" he is until now. But what he said to me was "I ######6 hate you, _name_." Then he said something else and went away, only to come back and influence me more for a while while I tried to act normal. Now after a couple of hours I still feel shaky and physically weak. I was terrified and now I am less terrified but really dissociated and migrainey.

I think another more functional part than me (Rabia) wants to emerge but I just want to be me. My husband is taking the real life children for a walk and then I just have to get through 4 or 5 more hours of caregiving.

Nondescript wrote:Having a lot of difficulty with this today. Again. Yesterday while fighting influence from the bitter girl, I spoke to her in my head and she spoke back. I was stunned. No time for a big conversation and what she said was basically, leave me alone. But it was so strange feeling. I had not expected anything.

This morning I was struggling with angry teen boy and real children. I went to a room alone and talked out loud to him. Something different happened. He fully took over the body to respond, causing me to lose a little time, but I heard his voice and it is so different from mine but I recognize it from the deep past when he would defend me. I guess in my daily life issues he doesn't switch all the way, just strongly influences me most of the time. I don't think I accepted how "real" he is until now. But what he said to me was "I ######6 hate you, _name_." Then he said something else and went away, only to come back and influence me more for a while while I tried to act normal. Now after a couple of hours I still feel shaky and physically weak. I was terrified and now I am less terrified but really dissociated and migrainey.

I know it doesn't feel good, but this is a big step in your communication.

Nondescript wrote:I think another more functional part than me (Rabia) wants to emerge but I just want to be me. My husband is taking the real life children for a walk and then I just have to get through 4 or 5 more hours of caregiving.

I know this feeling well. For me, fighting off anyone only tends to lead to even more dissociation. Did you talk to Rabia and explain what you want? Find out why she feels like she needs to come out? She might know something.