Angry teen alter interfering with family life

Just wanted to update a little. In therapy this past time, I was able, for the first time, really, to do "listening inside" to have a sort of dialog between Terry and my therapist. It was interesting. For one thing, while it was happening I kept thinking, "am I making this up?" I felt very strange sensations, a freezing anxiety feeling in a line down my chest, along with tingling, and pulsing in my head. Also, I really couldn't totally hear what he was saying. It was as if he was talking through a wall and I could just hear that he was talking, except when he said, "f- you!" Suddenly that was very clear, and I understood he didn't like what the T was saying. I tried to interpret his other thoughts, but I feel in retrospect that I interpreted them wrong.

The T was suggesting to him that maybe rather than having angry outbursts in the presence of others, he could save it up for later and tell me all at once. I interpreted that he felt I should be aware in the moment of what he's angry about because it general I tried not to be aware. Ouch--even remembering this is giving me a headache! Keep in mind what he's talking about is my little daughter disagreeing with me--not some great injustice!

We also joined a gym, with the hope that Terry might enjoy doing weight training. It is a little scary, though, because he is so angry and has a permanent sneer/scowl/growl, so letting strangers at the gym see him doesn't feel comfortable.

Nondescript wrote:I really couldn't totally hear what he was saying. It was as if he was talking through a wall and I could just hear that he was talking, except when he said, "f- you!" Suddenly that was very clear, and I understood he didn't like what the T was saying.

Lol how I recognize that.

Nondescript wrote:The T was suggesting to him that maybe rather than having angry outbursts in the presence of others, he could save it up for later and tell me all at once.

Good suggestion. Difficult but good if it can be done.

Nondescript wrote:We also joined a gym, with the hope that Terry might enjoy doing weight training. It is a little scary, though, because he is so angry and has a permanent sneer/scowl/growl, so letting strangers at the gym see him doesn't feel comfortable.

Joining a gym helped us a great deal. Even when our angry alters go and even when other people sometimes notice this, being able to exercise makes it all okay. It made a huge difference for us.

TheCollective wrote:

Nondescript wrote:I really couldn't totally hear what he was saying. It was as if he was talking through a wall and I could just hear that he was talking, except when he said, "f- you!" Suddenly that was very clear, and I understood he didn't like what the T was saying.

Lol how I recognize that.

Thanks for replying! I always think of "real" therapy for DID being about alters coming out and announcing themselves, but my therapist said "listening inside" is good because it brings more awareness between parts and takes less energy. Though now it seems like listening inside takes a huge amount of energy.

I also always the dot have the thought, if not being able to hear the voice or thought clearly means "they're not real and that means I'm making this up." I recently discovered this YouTube video, mpd/did What does it sound like?. I'm not sure if what I typically hear/feel is as dramatic as what Tomi hears. Sometimes it is more obvious and all-encompassing than at other times, but this is definitely what it is like for me, especially when I try to "listen inside." It's like vague noise or talking, or sometimes like a white noise buzzing. Or sometimes a bunch of sensations/pictures. Or sometimes all of it at the same time. At other times, outside of therapy, sometimes I'll be doing something and on automatic pilot (walking, driving, bathing) and suddenly I'll feel this sensation of flowing information in my head, and I suddenly become aware of new things about my system, or something that happened recently or long ago. Kind of interesting.

TheCollective wrote:

Nondescript wrote:We also joined a gym, with the hope that Terry might enjoy doing weight training. It is a little scary, though, because he is so angry and has a permanent sneer/scowl/growl, so letting strangers at the gym see him doesn't feel comfortable.

Joining a gym helped us a great deal. Even when our angry alters go and even when other people sometimes notice this, being able to exercise makes it all okay. It made a huge difference for us.

Thanks for sharing about this. Good to know we're not alone in this challenge. I hope we'll be able to keep up with it!

Nondescript wrote:Thanks for replying! I always think of "real" therapy for DID being about alters coming out and announcing themselves, but my therapist said "listening inside" is good because it brings more awareness between parts and takes less energy. Though now it seems like listening inside takes a huge amount of energy.

Have you ever switched in therapy, especially an unexpected or even an unauthorized switch?
Cause we have, even did so today, and yes, it is really exhausting and terrifying. It does become less exhausting and terrifying as I get used to this stuff, but it still is. I wish I could listen inside more clearly in therapy, without risking a switch. I often notice that if I even investigate, or agree with a thought or feeling or attitude that one of us is having, I'll switch. For therapy I now have a more or less acceptable (inescapable) range of common switches, they happen multiple times each session (45 minutes to 1 hour sessions), they happen all through every day. My t and other acquaintances probably either think that this mix is one identity, or they notice this and probably think I'm crazy lol. I wish I could talk inside and relay information. I wish I could even explain to the therapist that the risk of switching is why I can't. But I guess for now I'm just glad that I can at least feel them come closer sometimes.

Nondescript wrote:I recently discovered this YouTube video, mpd/did What does it sound like?.
I'm not sure if what I typically hear/feel is as dramatic as what Tomi hears. Sometimes it is more obvious and all-encompassing than at other times, but this is definitely what it is like for me, especially when I try to "listen inside." It's like vague noise or talking, or sometimes like a white noise buzzing. Or sometimes a bunch of sensations/pictures. Or sometimes all of it at the same time.

It's comparable to what I hear too. Sometimes I wont hear anything at all though. Or maybe I'm just so used to it that I don't notice anymore that I hear it. Our system uses music a lot to distract the front from inside talk. On top of the images, the feelings, the vague talk, the sometimes crystal clear and much louder talk, we'll have at least one, but usually more than one song running too. Germaine is our biggest chatterbox inside. It's how we learned to speak English, since she's English too. Kids love to sing along with songs, which annoys the teens who then put up their own music or whine about the kids' stupid songs. Kids will often cry too, or laugh or whine about things, play games. Some of us have comments about other people we see or about the front or the external happenings, especially everything the t says lol, etc etc.
I have also heard this all my life. With the difference that I have always more or less known that they come from inside me, or more accurately, from some space in between inside and outside me. But when I was younger and more unaware it were really only voices who looked like people, and music. No feelings, no images aside from knowing what they looked like, no attitudes and only very rarely crystal clear talk.

Nondescript wrote:At other times, outside of therapy, sometimes I'll be doing something and on automatic pilot (walking, driving, bathing) and suddenly I'll feel this sensation of flowing information in my head, and I suddenly become aware of new things about my system, or something that happened recently or long ago. Kind of interesting.

Yeah I have that too.

Nondescript wrote:Thanks for sharing about this. Good to know we're not alone in this challenge. I hope we'll be able to keep up with it!

I hope you will too. It's so worth it.

TheCollective wrote:Have you ever switched in therapy, especially an unexpected or even an unauthorized switch?
Cause we have, even did so today, and yes, it is really exhausting and terrifying. It does become less exhausting and terrifying as I get used to this stuff, but it still is. I wish I could listen inside more clearly in therapy, without risking a switch. I often notice that if I even investigate, or agree with a thought or feeling or attitude that one of us is having, I'll switch.

Oh, man. Reading this question is making me notice how crazy it is for me in therapy! Layers, layers of... There is the "I don't have DID" layer, and everything that happens in therapy, this one says, "oh, you're trying to make it seem like you have DID... sure, right, that thing you're saying right now isn't really true, you're just trying to fit yourself into a DID narrative. You know your life is not that bad and never has been. Oh, sure, you think you just switched but you don't have DID, that's just normal people stuff... Right, you think you just contacted an alter, THERE ARE NO ALTERS that's why it's hard." So everything that happens in therapy, I basically am encouraged not to believe it or take it seriously or trust anything.

Trying to answer your question, though, you describe exactly what I feel, that listening inside risks me switching into something not socially acceptable. It feels very dangerous. I know this dangerous feeling is not necessarily something to be trusted. I need to access these parts of me to get better. (While the denial voice says, "it feels dangerous because there is nothing there, and what's dangerous is discovering that you really are a fraud.")

TheCollective wrote:For therapy I now have a more or less acceptable (inescapable) range of common switches, they happen multiple times each session (45 minutes to 1 hour sessions), they happen all through every day. My t and other acquaintances probably either think that this mix is one identity, or they notice this and probably think I'm crazy lol.

I switch a lot during the day. It is usually nothing dramatic. People just think the shy person's sudden bout of maniacal laughter is a quirk. In therapy, I switch, too, but I don't think the therapist notices. I also have a brief periods of staring into space/being frozen.

Actually, it was really interesting. I went to visit my non-DID therapist, and in the months since seeing her last, she had learned to identify when I switch! I was impressed. She said the main trick was noticing slight differences in body posture.

TheCollective wrote:I wish I could talk inside and relay information. I wish I could even explain to the therapist that the risk of switching is why I can't. But I guess for now I'm just glad that I can at least feel them come closer sometimes.

When she first asked me to "listen inside," I would try for a second, be overwhelmed and say, "I'm sorry. I just can't do that." She would tell me okay and we would talk about other things. Then she would ask in future sessions and ask me why it was hard. At first I would say it makes me feel weird. Eventually I was able to say, "it makes me feel like I might switch," to which her reaction was to tell me she was happy to talk with anyone and switching was completely allowed but not required. This went on for a couple of months. I had a couple of efforts where I would be trying to listen inside but just couldn't believe in or relay anything I was hearing. Eventually we got to what happened the other day. I think I started with her about four months ago. Outside of therapy, the voice I hear most clearly is Alison's. Not all the time, but she has strong opinions on and reactions to many things. She takes over pretty regularly, too. With the other alters, it's not reliable at all.

I'll reply to rest of your response another day, maybe the day after tomorrow. Thanks for writing. Your replies tend to help me quite a lot!

I am still waiting to reply to TheCollective due to internal issues with the topic.

Wanted to update on progress with this angry teen alter, Terry. Since the therapy session where I so clearly heard him voice in my head, "*&^% you," he has been much less active, and that means I have had much more patience as a whole being and reacted better to challenges.

A week after that therapy session, I was waiting to fall asleep, feeling a lot of system activity but not really able to differentiate any of it. I just stayed still and payed attention. All of the sudden I felt a wave of grief and sadness. "I'm so sorry for all you went through, Terry. Thank you for taking care of us. I'm sorry you had to do it alone. It wasn't fair. We couldn't have made it without you," I told him, and cried for a time. It felt like a healing moment.

I still don't feel very in touch with him. I don't know where he is or if he is nearby. Maybe because the specifics of my system generally overwhelm me.

It seems that he was finally listened by his own, and that allowed him to have some rest.

Nondescript wrote:A week after that therapy session, I was waiting to fall asleep, feeling a lot of system activity but not really able to differentiate any of it. I just stayed still and payed attention. All of the sudden I felt a wave of grief and sadness. "I'm so sorry for all you went through, Terry. Thank you for taking care of us. I'm sorry you had to do it alone. It wasn't fair. We couldn't have made it without you," I told him, and cried for a time. It felt like a healing moment.

Healing time. <3 Beautiful, understanding words.

Great progress!! So happy for you all.

Sea

*trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics and behavior, but not abuse*
Update: Over time, I have been coming to awareness that an alter involved in an unhealthy (?) sexual dynamic with another alter is, in fact, this angry teen alter (Terry.) Today I read a post from niva and an old post from Una+ and it became clearer to us.

This is hard to discuss, but I'm sure that I'm not the only one. As a child and teen I suffered from compulsive masturbation accompanied by disturbing imagery. It was an issue of not having a choice, and not knowing why I was doing it, and not enjoying it from a third person perspective. The behavior was disruptive to my life, and I felt extreme shame and guilt around it. It stopped when I left home.

In the months since diagnosis, such sexual compulsions have occasionally surfaced. We have become aware that there are two alters associated with the behavior. One is Terry. (We had originally imaged the one associated with the compulsion was completely separate due to varied expressions and voice. We came to realize often Terry causes powerful passive influence, during which facial expressions, emotions, reactions change, but voice stays the same.) Whereas B. had the tendency to fear it or experience shame, we began to work with just observing the experience and allowing it. Rather than forcing B. or another part to experience bewildering sexual expression, we have encouraged Terry and the other part to be in charge during masturbation. It, as well as taking him to the gym, has been transformative for Terry and for our understanding of him.

While B. had previously not understood Terry's origin, we are beginning to understand that Terry takes up quite some amount of mental real estate, and that working with his issues will be critical for our collective well-being.

Terry continues to occasionally make rageful outbursts or bring his anger to inappropriate situations, but this behavior is drastically reduced. We still lack the ability to hold a conversation with him, but a few times, he has made comments other than angry, swearing outbursts or sexual slurs. We expect communication to increase over time.

Alex and B.

Hi! I'm new to all of this. I'm a black female, 45 years old. I was just diagnosed with DID a few months ago. I was aware of two of my alters (younger white female and 4 year old black female), but a few days ago, another presented himself. I was just sitting on the couch and I felt like a whoosh take over my body and my mind. It kept drawing me into the kitchen toward the knife block. I tried to fight it but I was losing. My other alters were fighting with me also and kept saying, "Get out of the house, go to the hospital." After a struggle for about a half hour, I managed to get my shoes on. I was home alone because my fiance was at work until 11pm. I texted my best friend and told her I needed to go to the hospital. She didn't answer so I walked across the street to my friend's and she gave me a ride.

I was disoriented and dizzy and my blood pressure was 185/111. I don't remember much except them telling me to talk to a psychiatrist via video conference. My other friend who is bipolar and was a cutter, talked me through everything and we discovered he was a teenage boy, angry, resentful, and wanted to cut me. That's why he was going for the knives. I don't know what to do about him. I've been following this thread so hopefully I can get more insight. I see my therapist next week.

I'm going to follow this thread too since I also have one of those.

I also wanted to share something that may help any of you. I'm very similar to the OP (a parent with a small daughter, female with a mostly male system and gender dysphoria, spontaneous rage outbursts that were previously abnormal for me) so I was hoping this would especially help her.

Firstly, I was taught by one T to treat him (the angry boy) as a child, and parent him as if he were my own. So if you weren't already a parent, congratulations, you now have a teenager.

What do you do when your other children (if you have them) are having a tantrum? Do you tell them to go away and let you live undisturbed, or do you try to help with whatever is frustrating them? Do you tell them to stop being angry, or do you try to listen? One is invalidating and the other is validating. Sometimes, it just helps if you distract them. "Since this is bothering you and I can't help you now, why don't you play with this other thing instead?"

One thing my new T told me to practice is being present with the anger, and NOT saying to myself, "I'm/he's angry, BUT I have to go do these important things." She says this is basically the same as telling someone they should stop feeling angry, or have no right to feel that way. Instead, I should say, "Hello anger, I acknowledge you, and now sit by me while I go take care of these important things." Doing something else is a form of distraction, she says.

So altogether what this looks like for me is: my daughter has a big brother, he needs love and attention just as much as she does. I need to make time for him or he feels isolated and resentful, and takes it out on others. That time may be given to him to pursue his hobbies, or I may simply spend time with him in our journal. There are also times when he needs to "do his chores"--help me with the dishes, take a shower, get somewhere on time. I'll listen to him, but he needs to take on the responsibilities of reality in return. (Like a true teenager, he doesn't always listen, but I try.)

It sounds really bizarre at first, but I really do need to make time for him and give him actual things he likes (food, music, clothing, the ability to pursue hobbies) and treat him like a real person, because he is a real person...just one who happens to be sharing a body with me.

I can't say this will work for everyone and I caution you to use your best judgment for your own situation...he normally doesn't cause me to lose consciousness or time, and he's never tried to cut me without my consent. He just convinces me to do it myself :/

As for the gender dysphoria, I personally took that as "oh @#%$ I'm transgender" but this was before I was aware that I had DID. Regardless, adopting a transmasculine identity and transitioning a bit (not as far as I'd like to yet) has both given me an immense sense of inner peace, and also brought up a ton of old, terrible feelings and thrown me into such a terrible depression at times.

I have always felt like angry guy was strongly connected to my transition, and now that I know his true nature better, I understand why. My current T thinks our integration may or may not lead to a full transition and I'm open to whichever is best for me. It is a scary journey, exploring your gender and sexual orientation (I recall this being mentioned earlier in the thread) but for me, it's so worth it.

I'm new to this thread, sorry I didn't acknowledge any of your specific moments. I do see that you all are making progress here and there. Nondescript, while I'm sorry you're still struggling with Terry, I'm glad taking him to the gym seems to have opened up communication for you! (I hope I got the right name.)