Housewife afraid of messing up the status quo

I have been lurking for a while, and I am so thankful for so many of your posts. So many people intent on moving forward in life, even if it's hard with the aftereffects of trauma.

I guess I have DID or DDNOS. I had diagnoses in the past but I eventually found it best to get therapy for individual issues and not bother with DI-type stuff.

I know I'm lucky in that I have a functional daily life with a broad (but still lonely) social life. It is hard to keep everything where it supposed to be, but I live a "normal" life for all outer purposes. I'm a SAHM, and pretty good at it.

As someone posted lately, every few years I have a huge crisis and fall apart. But I've been landing lightly these last few times. My life is constricted by my anxieties and triggery-ness, but from the outside I think it just looks like I value a peaceful and wholesome lifestyle. People on the outside tend to think I'm wise and mature, strangely enough!

Anyway, the front has been functioning rather seamlessly for years. I was in therapy for this constant anxiety and general traumatized-ness. But then it's occurred to me that maybe I could get better if I tried to be a little more aware of what's in there. Things shifted internally and my prior smooth functioning is a little more complicated (but not necessarily in a bad way.)

I am generally aware of what traumas happened to me. I just am not privy to all the details or all of my "parts." (Most of the time I don't really believe in them.) And I really don't want to be, unless it will make me a better mother, partner, and more true to life.

I don't like drama. "We" haven't been prone to drama externally ever. But I want to live a full life--I don't want to live based on what happened to me a million years ago. Things are mostly going ok, though. And what if this turns us into a disaster?

Has anyone else faced this issue? I guess if you're on this forum you decided to pursue exploration versus willful denial or some other option. How is it working out?

Thanks for listening.

I'm a SAHM also. Years ago my T first brought of the idea of dissociation/DID in addition to the PTSD that I was in treatment for. But, I blew her off. For those years I did well enough that I looked like a successful, happy mother. My PTSD symptoms though were a real roller coaster. I never could seem to get on top of them.

Life totally fell apart for me this past Spring as some in my system basically took control in therapy and demanded attention. Looking back I can see how things started going downhill three years ago when my memory issues became so bad that we were having financial issues and issues with the kids' schools and activities. My "moods" were all over the place and my family had begun treading carefully around me. I thought I was fine and it was just that I was hitting middle age.

Now I realize that I could not "ignore" it and it go away. Someday/Sometime the dissociation was bound to become an issue in my life. Even spending years in therapy trying to work on anxieties and past traumas, as long as I wouldn't allow us to get to the parts that actually experienced the trauma we were not going to get anywhere.

It has been over three months and it has been extremely difficult. So, so hard. I worry everyday about the affect on my children. My husband struggles with relating to me as my parts become more and more comfortable being around him. We have our oldest (a teenager) with her own therapist and my husband will be starting therapy for himself next week. Being summer vacation my T and I worked with my system to make sure that during the day that someone able and willing to be responsible would always be in executive control.

All that being said, I feel optimism that after 40 years of mental hell we might finally find peace and cooperation some day.

Good luck with everything.

Hello to you both,

I too denied the issues and even dealing with the trauma until just this past year. 40 years of denial, and a seemingly normal life. My children know practically nothing, except that I'm anxious about certain things, and have a terrible memory.

My relationships with men ended long ago as they were far too triggering to try and maintain. And so to the outside world I was just a typical single mom working hard to raise her kids, nothing more.

And then... and THEN. I got triggered at work. And my carefully constructed tower of denial came crashing down all around me. The next thing I know I'm out of work on disability.

And so now, just to get my life back to where it was, the PTSD and the Dissociative stuff all needs to be dealt with. And my kids still just think I have PTSD.

I wish you both good luck,
Katarina

Nondescript wrote:And what if this turns us into a disaster?

Has anyone else faced this issue? I guess if you're on this forum you decided to pursue exploration versus willful denial or some other option. How is it working out?

This is the issue we all struggle with. Do we try to keep the status quo, the denial, maybe it is good enough; or do we take the risk of breaking out in order to live what may be a much fuller life? Often the insiders make the choice for us hosts. Their lives are so terribly limited, often no more than isolated minutes here and there. The loneliness is . . . indescribable.

I am an older mom too; the long version of my story is in the thread linked in my signature below. In a nutshell: My system is small and covert. The host was mostly unaware until about 4 years ago when we met another multiple who apparently was in the same situation. In him we saw a reflection of ourselves.

Congratulations with finally getting real with your therapist. That is by far the biggest, scariest step most of us will ever take. Change is scary. You are going to be a hot mess for a while. Then you will get it together and the new you wlil be so aware, so confident, so poised and capable, so steady yet so multifaceted . . . you'll be just amazing. You are worth it.

Thank you so much for sharing that Una. Speaking for myself it gives me great hope!

Thank you!
Katarina

Thank you for your honest replies. Means so much to hear from other voices in this wilderness. I am sorry for all the struggle you are each going through. It is brave to face it.

I am not on a real computer now, will write more later. Just wanted to acknowledge you!

In my humble opinion you sound more like DID rather than DDNOS. I am pleading with you, please do not ignore your alters.Because this action can lead to them acting out. I have personal experience in this department as I tried ignoring my diagnosis and alters. One of them, a female teenager ended up spiraling downward taking me with her. It all ended with self-harm behavior, a near suicide, a crime, a jury trial, conviction and I was sent to prison for a year due to my DID. I still don't even have any memory of committing the crime.
Please seek a T with experience in treating Dissociative disorders, specifically DID if possible. Trust me on this one, I wish I would have known all this back in 2005. Take care of yourself and let us all know your progress!

am4kds said,

"It has been over three months and it has been extremely difficult. So, so hard. I worry everyday about the affect on my children. My husband struggles with relating to me as my parts become more and more comfortable being around him. We have our oldest (a teenager) with her own therapist and my husband will be starting therapy for himself next week. Being summer vacation my T and I worked with my system to make sure that during the day that someone able and willing to be responsible would always be in executive control.

"All that being said, I feel optimism that after 40 years of mental hell we might finally find peace and cooperation some day."

Wow, you are amazing to be facing all this. And your husband, too.The idea of my relationship with my husband changing is terrifying. He is such a good human and has already put up with so much. He is not very observant and not interested in the details of my psychological state unless I need him to be, so it's relatively easy not to bother him. But in the past week I have gone from having everything under control to... not, and he has noticed, and that is very upsetting. And my children are young and I have done my best to help them form good attachments and have a good early childhood. I would rather die than be a burden on them in the future or now. I think often of running away. Not because I don't love them but because I am afraid of hurting them. Of course, running away would hurt them, so it's not a real option.

I'm not sure if it would be possible to undo whatever happened lately. But that peace sounds so appealing, and maybe I can head in that direction. I wish you well in your work towards it.

Katarina said,

"I too denied the issues and even dealing with the trauma until just this past year. 40 years of denial, and a seemingly normal life. My children know practically nothing, except that I'm anxious about certain things, and have a terrible memory.

"My relationships with men ended long ago as they were far too triggering to try and maintain. And so to the outside world I was just a typical single mom working hard to raise her kids, nothing more.

And then... and THEN. I got triggered at work. And my carefully constructed tower of denial came crashing down all around me. The next thing I know I'm out of work on disability."



I am so sorry this happened to you! Being a single mother is already a hero's job, and here you are with this on top of it.

That's the thing with the triggers. I have a very controlled way of life. I can't even watch movies or TV because I don't know what they will bring--PTSD symptoms or dissociative stuff. Actually this thing that happened last week is the end of a long stream of things that seemed only minorly upsetting to me, but ended up being very charged.


Una+, it feels like you reached into my soul to write your response! The loneliness you speak of... Yes!
This is something that is hard to face. It feels like there is no where to turn. One body, one life is a small space for all of this to be residing within. And the danger I feel in touching any of this. I felt I was really maturing, and I was even thinking I might be ready to stop therapy, because my past felt less charged to the me that I am. And then everything starts heating up. I keep trying to calm myself, but I'm doing crazy stuff like having arguments with myself out loud, and having battles for control. This is something that hasn't happened in 15 years, as far as I can remember.

Your vision for healing is so tantalizing, makes me consider trying. I have read your thread. I am so impressed with what you have done already and by your insights and honesty.

Emily Thomas wrote:
"I am pleading with you, please do not ignore your alters.Because this action can lead to them acting out. I have personal experience in this department as I tried ignoring my diagnosis and alters. One of them, a female teenager ended up spiraling downward taking me with her. It all ended with self-harm behavior, a near suicide, a crime, a jury trial, conviction and I was sent to prison for a year due to my DID. I still don't even have any memory of committing the crime."

Your story is so tragic! I am sorry for what you have been through. Thank you for your care in this matter. I am trying to figure out what to do. I see my therapist soon.

I feel a little uncomfortable posting on the internet where everyone can read this. I am terrified of seeing my counselor. She is by far the best I've ever seen (and I've seen so many!) We have a long working relationship. I feel I have betrayed her by talking to her about any of this, and I am afraid she will fire me or tell me to quit making up stories, or to not make such a fuss. She has told me before she doesn't feel I say things to get attention (my biggest fear in life... like many of you, my history is kind of dramatic, and to explain all its complexities makes me feel like a circus performer. She is the only person who knows it all.) Maybe my past week (when other parts have been emailing her) has changed her opinion and she has lost all respect and trust in me. I have thought of canceling the appointment and just cutting off contact because I am so embarrassed. These strong feelings on my part are rare, though. I know this line of thinking really doesn't make sense. It's just weird that she probably now thinks of me as sick and deluded... which I guess I kind of am. Bummer.

Nondescript,

Wow, you are amazing to be facing all this. And your husband, too.The idea of my relationship with my husband changing is terrifying. He is such a good human and has already put up with so much. He is not very observant and not interested in the details of my psychological state unless I need him to be, so it's relatively easy not to bother him. But in the past week I have gone from having everything under control to... not, and he has noticed, and that is very upsetting. And my children are young and I have done my best to help them form good attachments and have a good early childhood. I would rather die than be a burden on them in the future or now. I think often of running away. Not because I don't love them but because I am afraid of hurting them. Of course, running away would hurt them, so it's not a real option.

My husband is neither observant nor very interested in anything psychological. He is having to learn. And, sometimes I think it is more difficult for him. I, the host, have made his life extremely easy and undisturbed. I spent years working and exhausting myself to keep my "problems" as far away from him and the kids as much as I could. In some ways I think the last few months have been much harder on him. He is going to therapy much less as a support for me as the fact he needs therapy for himself. I can't protect him from himself anymore. My T says in her experience it can take up to a year for a husband (in particular) to become comfortable in the new dynamics and learn how to support. He has my T's cell number and has had to text her on a couple of occasions already.

We did runaway. Mother's Day. That, I think is when my husband finally realized he would have to be involved. Running away is something we fantasize about a lot. I've talked about it with my T. I just want to save everyone from my poison. TW I come from a very neglectful, emotionally damaging family and running away would be extremely neglectful and emotionally damaging to my children. TW So to me it isn't really an option. But some of my other parts, I'm really not sure...but I've told my husband that should it happen I will come back when I can.

I am terrified of seeing my counselor. She is by far the best I've ever seen (and I've seen so many!) We have a long working relationship. I feel I have betrayed her by talking to her about any of this, and I am afraid she will fire me or tell me to quit making up stories, or to not make such a fuss. She has told me before she doesn't feel I say things to get attention (my biggest fear in life... like many of you, my history is kind of dramatic, and to explain all its complexities makes me feel like a circus performer. She is the only person who knows it all.) Maybe my past week (when other parts have been emailing her) has changed her opinion and she has lost all respect and trust in me. I have thought of canceling the appointment and just cutting off contact because I am so embarrassed. These strong feelings on my part are rare, though. I know this line of thinking really doesn't make sense. It's just weird that she probably now thinks of me as sick and deluded... which I guess I kind of am. Bummer.

This sounds so much like me. I am so very lucky to have the T I have. It was a referral from a previous T who was moving. She is one of the only Trauma T's that specializes in Dissociative Disorders in the area. I have been with her for 9 years now. I know she cares (as far as her role goes) but we all still struggle with trusting that and trusting her all the time. Yesterday we talked about my journal entries, one in particular where I talked about how all the craziness coming out now and how I thought it was related to her. She agreed; that the system is relaxing from years of hiding and fear because it is finally feeling safe. She is okay with the craziness because she expects it, it happens. I hope your counselor is able to give you the same reassurance.

I'm so early in the journey and things are still very very difficult. I just try to hang on to hope. I've liked getting to know some of my parts. I've heard their voices all my life and some of them are quite enjoyable. To be able to differentiate them now, to acknowledge them has been great. But, I hate, hate, hate the loss of control I feel over my life.

I don't post very often. But if you ever want to PM I will do my best to answer.

am4kds
Your post was such a support for me, with useful information that really normalized what I was feeling. Thank you. I hope you're doing well. You are also welcome to PM me any time. It will probably take a few days for me to answer. I have little kids and a lot of responsibilities.

I had my appointment today.

She said, yes, I have DID. She thought I knew because I am the one who told her about it, and she confirmed that she had observed it herself. She figured I would bring it up when I was ready. In the meantime, we were doing useful work. She affirmed that she doesn't think any differently of me, has the same respect for me as before.

This appointment changed my life for the future, I believe. Some of the things we discussed made so many of my confusing contradictions make sense. I am ready not to be in denial. This is my life, and I know this is not a waste of time or some narcissistic exercise.