How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Floralie - that is indeed great news!

we had therapy last night and it was rough, was exhausted afterwards. We managed to establish we have alters who are very much against the idea of moving forward to reprocess our traumatic memories. There is a sort of barrier in our visualizations, like a wall of fog. Our T says the barrier is there for a reason and to prematurely go past it would be a bad idea in our current state.

Our overall level of dissociation is pretty elevated of late; drifting away, floating, difficulty in concentrating, depersonalization and derealization, elevated we feel from stress. We are at our local library typing this as we have no home internet (well we have data on our phone but we don't use it too often if we can avoid it).

Congrats Floralie, that's fantastic news!

V2

feeling lots of shame today. feel like my partner wouldn't love me if they knew everything about me. don't want to think about memories so i daydream to escape but the daydreaming keeps linking to similar topics so i can't daydream either. i just got out of a depression slump and i'm falling right back into one.

I've been feeling wierd lately and I have made some bad decisions this evening.

I was just doing something unwise, and when I was finished, I suddenly thought to myself, "What the **** am I doing? Why am I even doing this?"

And now I'm questioning if this is even me, is this stuff I wanted to do up till a few minutes ago then suddenly didn't want to do? Or was this someone inside pushing... passive influence or whatever.

Like, I seriously can't figure out if it was me and I just changed my mind, or if I was being pushed.

And it makes me wonder about a lot of stuff in the past. Stuff that we've done, that 'seemed like a good idea at the time' but afterwards we're like, what the **** why did we even do that? What were we thinking?! Was it the one fronting doing that stuff? Was it someone inside influencing? Does it even matter? Why do we do these things...

That's how I'm doing at the moment.

V2

We are ok, but exhausted so we are taking today to rest. We are going out for dinner and everyone is excited! I'm gonna get a GIANT cake for dessert

We ended up having to go see a crisis counselor at CMHA after having an anxiety attack from being in close proximity to an outburst of anger and hostility. Clearly we are still in a somewhat vulnerable state from Wednesday's therapy session.

wee bit on the stressed side of life.

crunch time at work. kid is sick. working from home. waiting for doc appt this afternoon. she's miserable - I'm 99.44% sure it's strep.

juggling, juggling, juggling. responsibilities, commitments, and finances. story of my life.

computer just crashed. hoping it reboots ok.

May the force be with you, forum friends.

VioletFlux wrote:Stuff that we've done, that 'seemed like a good idea at the time' but afterwards we're like, what the **** why did we even do that? What were we thinking?! Was it the one fronting doing that stuff? Was it someone inside influencing? Does it even matter? Why do we do these things...

That's how I'm doing at the moment.

V2

That sounds familiar, V2. For me, it's more about choosing NOT to do something that I wanted to do, and then much later realizing how much I missed out on.

I guess I should be very proud about yesterday. I'm glad I posted early yesterday, because otherwise I would barely remember how overwhelmed I felt in the morning and all day at work UNTIL I got to the activity last night. I was even kind of stressed driving there (although listening to a Roald Dahl book helped). THEN it was 3 1/2 hours of FUN practicing for a performance, and I felt great and got compliments on how I looked, and someone said that "your talent really shows" (in this activity that I never really did until a couple of years ago, even though everyone thinks I must have done it in the past because I'm much older than a lot of them), and the difficult and "mean" person said some nice things to me, because she always just relates to people based on HER needs at the moment and how you fit into them.

But is it that I shouldn't feel good about the good things she says if I shouldn't feel bad about the bad things she says? Or is it that I may as well feel good about the good things and let the bad things roll off me?

That's actually something I've been trying to figure out. If it's all other people's random statements that don't really count, and you should just take what you need or want (such as constructive criticism and compliments) and let the rest roll off, why do the good things people say count? Is it JUST because they make you feel good and you may as well choose the things that make you feel good and ignore the negative things?

Not sure if this makes sense. But anyway, I got through the day yesterday. Today is just therapy and a lesson in something that I like to do. And then rest of the afternoon to just chill and take care of the littles. (I'm hearing "hooray!!" from inside).

relapsed after 6 months so yeah, could be a lot better... i'm just so goddamn tired of being stuck at the front, no-one will take over even though i asked, begged even. i'm so tired.

Feeling really sad now. We were supposed to meet a friend for tea 30 minutes ago. Been looking forward to it for 2 weeks. This would have been the first time in like 3 weeks to just visit with a friend. We confirmed yesterday, saw her really briefly this morning and it was all good.

Then the time came, and nothing. After 5 minutes I texted her cos I was getting worried that we'd made some other plans and I'd forgotten, or she'd talked with another part and they hadn't written the change down in our calendar or whatever.

Then sit and wait and getting more and more uptight, like did I do something to make her angry, did I say something wrong, did she say something to change the plans and I missed it... basically thinking of all the ways I could have messed things up.

Finally she called, and said she'd got busy with something and forgot, and was still really busy so we have to reschedule.

So, on the positive side of things, I didn't accidentally ruin everything. On the negative side though, it just reinforces my feelings of being worthless and forgetable.

This always happens. Friends are always forgetting when we make plans, or they're late because something more interesting came along so they did that first. People say they'll meet you or say they want to do something, but then they don't show up or they change their mind and do something else instead.