How are you today thread (trigger warning)

I am thinking about all my friends and their tough times today and I hope they are getting better. the ones who have been sharing their tough times and the ones who are not sharing. that's ok too. I am very tires and have bad bad tummy today. I have been working very hard at growing up. at TAKING RESPONISBILITY. and being a helper not a bosser.

You are doing a very good job being a helper. The world needs more helpers and you're one of them!

Yesterday some people we work with told us we did a great job. It felt seriously good. Today the Protectors are trying to take it away so we won't relax. I don't want to give up that feeling.

Iain

IainEtc wrote:
Yesterday some people we work with told us we did a great job. It felt seriously good. Today the Protectors are trying to take it away so we won't relax. I don't want to give up that feeling.

Iain

maybe you can talk to the protectors. just because you got some praise doesnt result in you getting out of control or sloppy.
we learned something new today. that there are more positions one can take than just "one" and "the other". there is also "both" or "neither" and in radical cases there is also a "none of these and not even that" position.
praise doesnt automatically result in relaxing too much. maybe there are other positions...

Have a very bad migraine all day long.
Threw up on the bus.

********
Our friend was kind and pretty.
She didn't exactly kill herself:
more like she was murdered.
She suffered one of the most horrific abuses that ever happened to anyone.

****
The Doctor is putting us on new anti depressants.
We are taking 4 different kind of pills & nothing helps.

*****
But we started doing some good Trauma work with the day care unit T.
We showed the artwork we made to the art therapist.

T said we are just very triggered, but not crazy.
Just really in a lot of pain.
But we have memories of the Trauma,
that is good that we can attach feelings to stuff that happened.

Hi. I am new here. I never considered there would be a place for me to feel like I belonged -- even just a little. I just wanted to say hi and introduce my selves. I'm not quite sure who we are yet. I don't know who's there and who's not, but I think I am ready to figure them out and get better.

This is the 'host' That C was talking about, more or less...

We've been blending a lot lately, but it has seemed due to stress, not just healing. It isn't always negative, but I wish... That when I had started HRT for transitioning years ago, I hadn't legally changed my name; I'm a facet of this system. It hurts me being called the name I put so much hope into with a legal name change, it hurts the others to be not noticed and called me or if someone slips up.


Anyway, though. Having a bad time obsessing and not self caring. It's like jumping in the pool and hesitating but brushing my teeth. Invasive thoughts. Time loss; How is it 3 AM, oh my goodness. ;_;


Obsessed with making music but sick and might see a friend tomorrow. Everyone's been kinda down today and I hope you're doing less bad than me.


I realized that, even around my friends, I am socially defensive. I don't think it's another shell part that has gained consciousness, it might be one of my subfacets or modes, like if I age slide. It involves realizing later I was defensively on almost social autopilot and depersonalized; Talking louder than I should, pretending to be an extrovert... What sucks is that I don't notice it happening until I've already done it, my vocal tone gets less LOW, I reconnect to my headspace body and remember how I should sound and how I actually express myself even in other subfacet modes.

It's like this defensive autopilot and if I knew it was happening, I'd ask to be grounded immediately. I wanna become more conscious of it. It's terrible... It's like if I'm not socially contributing to stuff, I'm alone or there is a deep seated need. But, I'm barely 'me' When I'm like that and they don't seem to be another self entirely.

It's actually humiliating and sometimes happens to people I'm blended with. Anyone ever deal with this? It's like a depersonalized autopilot with mannerisms that seem maladapted to interacting with people. It hurts.

I'm trying my best. Sometimes I wish I also didn't have to be on medication that can probably sometimes do badly with dissociation. Trying.

Anyone ever get this without switching out?

Hi nekxie,

I know exactly what you are talking about when you bring up this autopilot that seems to adapt and configure the real self into some sort of removed self in order to participate in social gatherings. Even with friends, there is this disassociation that I feel (sometimes don't recognize right away) where I am actually not there, that it is somebody else ... a fraud that is acting as me. I'm not sure if it's full slipping/switching, because when I switch it becomes a whole different moment and life, something that I still have trouble explaining.

This blend, as you call it (a name that I like a lot) has been a part of me for so long I did not realize that it was an autopilot, that it was stealing these attributes and qualities from my other parts and using them as a forefront.

I hope you know you are not alone.

Hi nekxie,

Being host is pretty tough. Our Host gets disoriented sometimes. He can't really help it. We try to back off and give him a moment.

Good luck

Iain

not a good day. we were feeling very suicidal.
went for a long walk in the cold.
the mental pressure is insane. got stuck in flashbacks twice. physical pain.
its just no fun to be alive.
we agreed that we cant die before having had cupcakes from our favorite cupcake store. walked by and it was still open. kept walking to avoid actually getting cupcakes....

Nekxie-- I'm sorry things are so hard. I also did a legal name change and my Others struggle with it sometimes. Though we have had a host change since then so there are two of us who were once called C. The other stuff you were talking about I couldn't quite figure out cuz we don't have anything like that but it sounds really disruptive. Hang in there.

Birdsong --Valentine's Day is when it lifts for you right? Almost there! Maybe you can safely have that cupcake then. Until then keep fighting for your good strong life.

We are visiting the parents and it's been ok so far but we are taking some time alone right now. Trying to keep Heather from bingeing which is her thing to do when we get pushed around and triggered too much.
C.