New to this, self-diagnosed & overwhelmed (REALLY long!)

I'm the host that believes. I'm not sure if I'm different from the other one. I don't feel different, because I know everything she knows and I feel everything she feels, it's just more pushed away and easier to deal with now. I'm a front who talks to people and keeps it together; she's always here with me, denying and worrying and freaking out in the background. I switch out from her at will when she gets too overwhelmed; she leans her head back and closes her eyes and /lets go/ of consciousness, and there's this weird /burst/ of tingling/feeling that I can't quite describe and then we snap back together a second later and I'm here and can deal with things. We honestly thought we were just taking a deep breath and a second to calm down (and that the weird feeling was just another weird symptom of all our various physical conditions).

I like tea and jam on toast. Our SO asked us what we wanted for breakfast, (and I had to stop myself from asking him if 'we' could have tea and jam on toast - the 'I' felt deliberate, unnatural, and strange, but I said it anyway) and I had to think a while, but I've thought about it and I know I like that, which is weird because I thought I was going to ask him for soft-boiled eggs, that was the plan. I think maybe that was the other host's plan now. It does NOT sound appetising to me.

We're normally ridiculously indecisive about food, because whoever's in front remembers things that others like and they think they want it when they don't, or we just can't think of anything that we know that we /do/ like. That annoys SO. Maybe if us being an us makes us less indecisive and confused all the time he'll be happier about it and it'll be easier to tell him?

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing or why I'm here or what's going on.

The voices are trying to tell me things that I don't want to know.

This world is scary and terrifying and I don't know how to deal with it!

What if he doesn't like me anymore when they tell him those things?

I CAN'T STOP CRYING D':

TheHost wrote:I don't want it to be real, because then I'd have to tell my fiancé about it, and I'm(we're?) scared of that. So much so.

Not wanting it to be real won't make it any less real. You'll only make yourself go in a vicious cycle of suspecting, then doubt/denial, and you won't get any better, your life won't get any better, and you will never heal.

TheHost wrote:I don't want it to be real, because it will hugely impact on my ability to work and I've spend the last 6 months or so trying to recover enough that I can work at my normal pace and this will set that back even further.

Actually, people with DID can hold down a job, many users here have a job, ranging from working at home to having a job outside of their home. If you get yourself into therapy, it can help with keeping yourself stabilized while still making progress towards healing and learning more about yourself.

TheHost wrote:My job is...well...I work for myself, and I run a website, that routinely has between 150-200 people online at any given time, all with a global chat and various other user-controlled side channels.

I see no reason why you can't do that and have DID at the same time.

TheHost wrote:There are a lot of people there to please, and I can't do it, and I don't update enough for them (I have an urge to tell you that our problem-solver is our code monkey and the reason I can't code most of the time is because he's not out here with me, but I don't actually believe that as I'm telling it you [so why do I want to tell you?!]), and it's bad enough as it is; I get enough flak from the trolls for being female, for being ugly, for being a cripple, for being crazy and unstable.

You can't let people get to you. You won't be able to please everyone, and YOUR HEALTH, mental and physical, comes first. YOU and YOUR HEALTH are NUMBER ONE priorities, or at least they should be. If you aren't healthy, you won't be able to do the best job you can do, and you'll only be hurting yourself by keeping yourself unhealthy.

TheHost wrote:I know I shouldn't listen to them, and I never personally have that much of a problem with them because they're just trolls and they're a minority, but I get overwhelmed by emotion anyway, and go into panic attacks, and then hide in my room so I don't have to talk to anyone.

I can't give them more ammo.

Why would you be giving them more ammo? Who says they have to know? And no offense, but this job doesn't seem very good for you if it causes you panic attacks and so much stress. I know jobs can be stressful in general, but this genuinely seems unhealthy for you at this point in time, and it's bordering on being traumatizing to you, which is not good.

TheHost wrote:But if this is real, I can't go on pretending it's not, because trying to force myself to remember things I can't and trying to force myself to do things I don't remember how to do is killing my head.

No, you can't. I think that at the very least, it's pretty clear from this thread alone, that you have parts/sides/alters of some sort, and that is indeed very real.

TheHost wrote:I'm very sorry to hear you have all that frustration. Try not to feel so bad about it - it's unavoidable to feel angry and frustrated when you keep dealing with the same things over and over, and it would take the patience of a saint to never feel that way. You're not a saint, you're just human, but you're a good one and should never feel bad about it. *hug*

Besides, some people need you to be pushy, our host included, else they'll never accept anything.

Thank you for understanding... *returns hug*
My trouble is that I can be very pushy, but then with some people that just ends up making them turn further to the doubt/denial just because they feel like I'm telling them what's going on in their life and they feel like I have no right to be doing that, so I try to avoid being pushy, or at least, "too" pushy...

-Cassandra

TheHost wrote:I'm the host that believes. I'm not sure if I'm different from the other one. I don't feel different, because I know everything she knows and I feel everything she feels, it's just more pushed away and easier to deal with now. I'm a front who talks to people and keeps it together; she's always here with me, denying and worrying and freaking out in the background. I switch out from her at will when she gets too overwhelmed; she leans her head back and closes her eyes and /lets go/ of consciousness, and there's this weird /burst/ of tingling/feeling that I can't quite describe and then we snap back together a second later and I'm here and can deal with things. We honestly thought we were just taking a deep breath and a second to calm down (and that the weird feeling was just another weird symptom of all our various physical conditions).

It's nice to meet you!

I know that tingling feeling all too well. That's a symptom of switching for me.

TheHost wrote:I like tea and jam on toast. Our SO asked us what we wanted for breakfast, (and I had to stop myself from asking him if 'we' could have tea and jam on toast - the 'I' felt deliberate, unnatural, and strange, but I said it anyway) and I had to think a while, but I've thought about it and I know I like that, which is weird because I thought I was going to ask him for soft-boiled eggs, that was the plan. I think maybe that was the other host's plan now. It does NOT sound appetising to me.

Yes, we have problems using the words "I" and "me" and such as well. Does not feel natural at all. This was one of the things that pushed us into coming out on Facebook to everyone we know about having DID. We are priority one, doing things that we are comfortable with is priority one, us being comfortable and not feeling like we have to hide, or feeling trapped, or feeling silenced, is priority one. Us liking what we're doing, how we do it, feeling ok with what we say, liking what we eat, etc., is priority one. You should be able to eat what you like, and not hide behind the other host, nor should you have to pretend to be anyone other than yourself. (Of course, I understand this might take time to accomplish, but what I say is true, you shouldn't have to eat something you don't like and you shouldn't have to pretend to be someone you're not).

TheHost wrote:We're normally ridiculously indecisive about food, because whoever's in front remembers things that others like and they think they want it when they don't, or we just can't think of anything that we know that we /do/ like. That annoys SO. Maybe if us being an us makes us less indecisive and confused all the time he'll be happier about it and it'll be easier to tell him?

We as a whole are indecisive. We as individual identities are very decisive. In our experience, our SO appreciates us being ourselves, because otherwise, things often take too long to compromise on, or we can't make up our mind, or we argue over what to choose and it takes too long, etc. I think having you be yourselves and be able to have an explanation to make why you're so indecisive more understanding might be helpful to your SO for not getting so annoyed. He might continue to be annoyed at first, because it does take time to adjust to changes and such, but I think overall it'd be better for him to understand more about why you are the way you are, in a sense.


-Cassandra

TheHost wrote:I don't know who I am or what I'm doing or why I'm here or what's going on.

The voices are trying to tell me things that I don't want to know.

This world is scary and terrifying and I don't know how to deal with it!

What if he doesn't like me anymore when they tell him those things?

I CAN'T STOP CRYING D':

Take some deep breaths, try to calm down, count to ten, maybe get a blanket or a pillow you can hug, and try to just breathe. It is ok. You are ok. Everything will be ok even if it doesn't seem like it now.

Firstly, addressing not knowing you are, here are some threads that might be helpful to you to read/look into if you are able to:

-- Not sure who I am or what's going on: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100859.html

-- What am I?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104951.html

-- Where do I come from?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic106123.html

-- New Host... Who am I?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102386.html(Not that I think you're going through a host change, but there's still some helpful stuff in there, so that's why I posted it for you).

-- A flash, a hint, an idea of me- behold my greatness! (haha): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101565.html(This is Hawk's first thread, and sorta touches on her journey of figuring out who she is. When she first came into awareness she didn't know her name, age, gender, nothing. All she knew was that she liked the colors red and orange, liked mohawks, and liked Foamy the Squirrel).


Secondly, yes, the world can seem scary and it can seem overwhelming, but just try to breathe and stay calm. You don't have to immediately know how to deal with the world and everything in it right now, and you can learn how to better cope with the world at a nice, slow, pace that's comfortable for you, ok? Also, the world isn't all bad, although I know it can seem like it. Try to focus on the positive aspects instead. Like, if the sun's out, or you see a pretty bird, or if the clouds look pretty, or if there's nice trees around, or maybe you see a car you like go by, things like that.


Thirdly, you can't hide or run away from who you are, and you shouldn't hide who you are from anyone. If someone truly cares for you, likes you, loves you, etc., then they will at least try to understand and process the things told to them, and they will stay with you. If someone is not willing to try to understand, or accept, or if they leave you, then they don't deserve to be a part of your life anyway.


-Cassandra

(To others that may be reading: If this is referring to informing the SO about the DID possibility, please make sure that you include information and explanations as to what DID is, why it develops, how it develops, etc. The more people understand and know about something, the less confused they will be, and the less "scared" they will be. The unknown and unclear is scary to people, so the more they know and the more that's made clear and explained to them, the less scared they will be).

Hi, I'm not fully caught up on the situation yet, but I wanted to mainly post for Cassandra's sake.

Just to let you know, I'm going to try and help Cassandra to not "get stuck" on this site today, and I'm going to try and help us take some time for ourselves. So I hope that things go well or get better for you soon, and I hope that in our absence, if you are in need of help, other users here will be able to help you. If nothing else, just try to stay calm, breathe, and let yourself get lost in positive distractions like music, funny movies, funny pictures online (I know Cassie likes to look up funny puppy pictures to help cheer herself up), or maybe do something relaxing for yourself like meditation, or a nice hot bath, or even just a nap for some rest. Reassure yourself that even if things don't seem or feel ok now, no matter what, eventually they will be ok, and so will you.


Hope you have a great day, and if not, then I hope things get better for you soon!


~The Hawk


(P.S. I didn't mean to make it sound like Cassandra getting "stuck" on here was your fault or anything. It's not. Cassandra seems to have an addiction to always helping (and being available to help) everyone/anyone she can if she's able to, so don't go feeling bad or thinking that anything's your fault, ok? Because that's certainly not what I was trying to say).

tomboy24 wrote:Actually, people with DID can hold down a job, many users here have a job, ranging from working at home to having a job outside of their home. If you get yourself into therapy, it can help with keeping yourself stabilized while still making progress towards healing and learning more about yourself.

That's not the point. That's not the problem. If this was the only problem it wouldn't be so much of a problem.

But I'm severely disabled, and I very very rarely both have the energy and am not in too much pain to be able to work.

But only one of us knows how to work, and the rest of us get confused and overwhelmed by work-related questions (all those people online all the time, all know I'm in charge, all come to me constantly to ask me things, and 99% of the time I have no idea how to answer and run away instead and that is not exactly good customer support!)

and when I know how to work, I usually am in too much pain and am too tired from doing other things in the meantime, to actually do anything.

I know it's stressful. I know it's too much. I know it's traumatic. But it's our only source of income, and we cannot stop it, and we don't know how to stop it anyway - it all got far too out of hand. Plus somebody in here promised to never ever stop it/stop caring about it/stop running it, and almost all of us are vehemently opposed to both lying and breaking promises. We can't do that.

(I'm sorry, I would like to respond to the rest of your post, but every time I try reading threads on here I switch back and forth too much with everyone wanting to respond to different things, and then nobody says anything because we can't agree on what we're saying and we just end up lying down and drifting away and talking to each other inside, and responding/talking it out that way and then there's no written record so the host just forgets it all when she's back on here and able to type for us - right now I don't know the rest of what you said, but I know there is a lot there that I(/someone, at least) want to respond to)

Hawk, thank you. We're trying to just distract ourselves, we have a therapy session tomorrow and we are dying to be able to talk about everything new we've been discovering about ourselves in the last few days, and in the meantime trying not to worry about it.

But it's hard, because whenever either of the hosts are left in charge (which is the vast majority of the time!) they won't stop picking at it - one of them is always introspective and trying to understand our brain, and the other is in full-fledged denial, but if there are no outsiders here to distract her and immerse her in every day life (where denial works best because she has no chance to think about it), then she is constantly researching in an attempt to disprove it (or, possibly, to prove it to herself so that she can accept it? I hope that's what she's doing; it's not nice seeing her in denial, it makes her lash out at people, us included)

Anyway, I watched a tinkerbell film last night with the littles - they've been clamouring to see it every time any of us scrolled past it on Netflix and we've been ignoring it because it looked stupid, but I let them watch, and I didn't bother trying to keep facial expressions away from them. They're very empathic little kids, and we all always get rushed and overwhelmed with their emotions when we watch tv, and normally have to stop ourselves outwardly showing it or we get weird looks. But our SO was asleep, so I put the fairy movie on, and let them have the facial muscles, and they watched in slack-jawed and wide-eyed amazement and wonder, and it was adorable to see.

I don't suppose you have any suggestions for any more they might enjoy? One of them seems to be always petrified, so we can't watch classic disney films because even those villains are too scary for her. The fairy one worked so well because there was no real villain and nobody wanted to hurt anybody; everything bad that happened was an accident that people worked together to overcome; perfect for her. Need more of those if anyone reading this knows of any. <3

tomboy24 wrote:We as a whole are indecisive. We as individual identities are very decisive.

Yes! Exactly! People always call us stubborn because we get very VERY decisive about things and refuse to listen, but then two hours later we'll have changed our opinion completely because someone else is running the show, and I never understood this. It usually (the being called 'stubborn') pops up on morality and boundary issues, and I kept trying to explain it by saying that there was a very clearly defined line that I wouldn't cross and hated other people crossing, but that the line itself was subject to moving. We've never ever crossed the line, but sometimes it looks like we do to outsiders because we cross a point that previously would have been considered crossing the line, and don't see it as such.

That didn't work much, as an explanation. Got us weird looks again. It all makes so much more SENSE now!

My job seems to be translator. I'm a social front that tries to explain the confused thoughts and emotions of alters currently co-present but not co-conscious enough to communicate properly. I've been doing this job a lot for SO, but in doing so have confused him a lot more. I kept trying to give him clearly defined rules for dealing with us when we were 'acting crazy' [which, I realise now, is basically what we (the socials + our SO) call it whenever one of the social fronts isn't in control], and the rules I gave him made perfect sense for everyone who was with me at the time, but then he would try to stick to them the next time it happened and it would fail miserably because it would be someone else. I feel really bad for giving him so many misguided rules now.

Denial is a lot harder when you find text files that you don't remember writing that were supposedly created three days ago and say the following:

I don't know who I am!! I stammer and stutter and can't get the right words or a full sentence out and I rock back and forth and my left eye twitches like a mofo (it used to do that when I was a teenager and Emma mentioned it a few times and that is like the only memory I have - that and my english teacher at the Dragon - he had a twitch in his eye. Mr....I don't know. I /knew/ and tried to write it down, and now I've forgotten. It's all gone. I'm myself again, and know what's going on.

No, I'm disoriented and confused and my head hurts. My sense of self is coming and going within minutes, sometimes less. That muffling blanket that is not quite a wall but is usually what I mean when I refer to hitting a wall/walling something off keeps coming down and then lifting again. Having to write in short bursts of words and forget where I'm going half way through but fortunately as it's written down I can get it back.

Mr. Dean, his name was (twitch back)

I don't think I like movies. I don't think I like anything very much. Everything is just owwie and makes my head hurt trying to think about.

None of the others will talk to me. Why won't they talk to me? I'm hurt and confused and don't know how to bring them back.

Did I make all this up? AM I making this all up? Am I really that crazy?

The urges to suck my thumb and hug a soft toy are strong. Also to just float away into nothingness.

I need to go research; find out who I am. How to make the others talk to me. Whether or not it's possible I made it all up.

Dan calmed me down, explained I didn't make it up, and that I don't need to worry about it. <3 Dan

I don't like action movies.

I don't remember writing that AT ALL. -.-

EDIT: I do - this was what led us to the search that found this forum. Then I calmed the anxious girl down/explained things, and we went to watch a movie and left the tab open for the host to deal with when she came back.

Information is power, and an expert diagnosis is information. If you are a multiple, that is true whether or not you know it. It is better to know it, because then you can do something about it.

For example, once you know your other parts exist and their qualities, you can begin to engage them more fully in your life, and thereby increase your functionality and effectiveness.

TheHost wrote:I know it's stressful. I know it's too much. I know it's traumatic. But it's our only source of income, and we cannot stop it, and we don't know how to stop it anyway - it all got far too out of hand. Plus somebody in here promised to never ever stop it/stop caring about it/stop running it, and almost all of us are vehemently opposed to both lying and breaking promises. We can't do that.

This is the only part I can manage to respond to right now.

Again, YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH should be PRIORITY NUMBER ONE. That includes above income, above promises, above EVERYTHING ELSE. If you are not healthy, you will not be able to work to your full potential, and you are only hurting yourself further, causing yourself more pain and hardship, and you are not helping yourself to get better or your life to get better. I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to realize what NEEDS to come first, not what should come first, or what you feel should come first, but what actually truly NEEDS to come first, and that's you and your health. I understand the need for income, but if the work solution you come up with only further hurts and traumatizes you, then it's not worth it, and you need to look into any and all other possibilities, such as a different website, or even disability benefits, or something. Or a work-from-home on the computer job, or something, anything else. Further hurting and traumatizing yourself is just going to make things harder on yourself, it's going to keep your life from getting better, it won't help you in the long run, it won't help you heal at all, and it's not healthy nor good for you. Just like if you're an alcoholic and need to stop drinking because it's unhealthy for you, if your work is unhealthy for you then you need to try and find any alternative possible. Sacrificing your health and hurting/traumatizing yourself further isn't worth it. You're only making things worse for yourself by doing so.

Put YOURSELF and YOUR HEALTH above anything else. Above your work, above strangers from your site, above ANYTHING. Because YOU and YOUR HEALTH are important, and need to be taken care of first, and should be number one priority. Every aspect of life, work, relationships, etc., improves with improvement of your health, because the healthier and more stable you are, the better you'll be able to function, the better you'll feel, and the more you'll be able to put into your work and relationship and life in general.

(And now I get to feel like a giant hypocrite because Shay is screaming at me to "listen to myself" and "follow my own advice instead of just giving it to others" and such... So I know it's not easy to do, but it's what should be done, and I'm trying to work on it too).


-Cassandra