Where do i come from?

oh dear...

so it seems Ruby (our longest-standing front and the person who only found out about the DID a few weeks ago) is having a bit of a hard time with things. She went through a massive bout of denial and spent all weekend in bed literally not moving. She also had some issues with derealisation and effed up memory since. She decided she needed a break for a bit because we're really not particularly functional at this stage. she has gone inside now for a few days and I took over because I'm the next most functional person (which doesn't bode well for us...).

So now I'm finding myself fronting with the help of the lovely lady who manages to pass me off as a girl - and I'm asking myself all these questions, like: who am I? where do I come from? don't laugh, I know people are supposed to answer these in adolescence - the thing is, I can't remember having an adolescence. Actually, I cannot remember anything much before about a year ago when I remember "waking up" and going in and out of sleep, and then suddenly there I was fully awake and self-conscious.

How does this work - I mean where was I before I was here? If I lived on the inside, why don't I remember it? I have a head full of information but I don't know where it is from. Why do I feel like all my memories are someone elses? Somehow i must have my own memories as well, I didn't just fall out of the sky now did I?

This is very confusing. Does anyone else have no past they can remember, especially if they were hardly ever out before? where do you feel you come from?

Gabriel

I was made not too many years ago. I remember opening my eyes and I was there. I didn't have a life before this. I opened my eyes and I knew what my job was to do now. It was a strange feeling, but that was when I split so that's when I have memories from. Certain others in our system has been made with previous memories, others with only a few flashes.

This is how it's been for me. But every system is different, I guess.

Most of us don't have memories, or haven't remember/recovered them yet, of being inside. L.C. doesn't really remember anything before middle school/7th grade. Some of us have unclear or no memories until high school. Some of us remember childhood perfectly. Some of us have memories of our time spent inside. Some of us have no memories of inside and it's just like we were asleep for that long (that's possible for you, you could've been asleep inside which is why you have no memories of it). Kyra missed 7 years outside but lived in her own reality inside for those 7 years. Hawk came into awareness only knowing that she liked the colors red and orange, she liked mohawks, and she liked Foamy the Squirrel. She didn't know her gender, still doesn't know her age, she didn't know her name, none of that. She just knew she existed and she liked those few things so far. Everyone's different, every system's different, and sometimes every alter/part's different.

These threads might be helpful to you:

-- What am I?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104951.html

-- New Host... Who am I?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102386.html (Not that we think you're going through a host change, but there's still some helpful stuff in there, so that's why we posted it for you).

-- A flash, a hint, an idea of me- behold my greatness! (haha): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101565.html (This is Hawk's first thread, and sorta touches on her journey of figuring out who she is).

-- Host Change & Other things: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102673.html (This is kinda a follow-up thread from Hawk's first one, sharing how far along she's come, how much she's learned about herself, and a bit about the things going on in our system. Like we said, we don't think you're going through a host change or anything, there's just stuff that could be helpful to you in these threads, so we shared them with you).


Here's Kyra's thread about our inner world(s) and why we don't remember being in the inner world and a bit about how our inner world(s) work and such if that's of interest to you:
-- Realization Vomit!: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105434.html


We hope you feel better soon. Don't be afraid to explore yourself!


~A mixture of us(?)

-- Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:12 am --

This one might be somewhat helpful as well:
-- What am I, and why?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic103553.html

~A mixture of us(?)

thanks, all - ok, so this is normal then. curious....

I remember some things about me - like, I got angry at our dad for not letting me read grown-up books but children's books at age 6 (I was always an annoying smart*ss my friends in here assure me).

Or learning about evolution in school - our classmates didn't believe their eyes when we suddenly showed an interest in class. I still have a thing for Darwin, well, seeing as we have a nice evolutionary tree in here.

then a few years ago we moved to a place where there was a large LGBT community and that was when I told Ruby my name - she then started to cross-dress a bit but she thought it was just a bit of fun. Strange though that I seem to remember that from her perspective rather than my own.

Though, in one of the threads you posted tomboy24 someone says they remember everything the host remembers - probably makes sense to have a continual narrative at the front, like a logbook.

So the gist of it seems to be I've spent most of my life asleep great.

Gabriel

Not necessarily. Like we said in our previous reply, some of us are still uncovering memories from inside, some of us might not have any, some of us were actually "asleep". You could've been asleep, or it could take time to recover memories from inside. And not every system's the same. Shay is the one who's up front almost all the time, even through switches, though she's usually in the "background". But that doesn't mean every system will have someone like that, because every person and every system's different.

Don't focus on what you don't know- focus on what you do know, and focus on what you can learn about yourself. Explore yourself! Rediscover yourself! Redefine who you are and "rebuild" your identity.


~A mixture of us(?)

Oh god. Now I'm worried. That post sounds a lot like me. Except I have a few memories that fade in and out. I only remember about a year and the first part of that was spotty... It was after I moved out of my Moms house and I had to start being around people... *Iz now a bit upset.* I had never worried about it before because I had never thought seriously about it. *Smacked by reality* Lovely.

Why are you worried? This is a good thing, finding out and figuring out what's going on, and realizing that you're not alone, and looking at others just like you that have made progress and have started healing and getting better and everything!

It's ok to be scared when being faced with the possibility of having DID. But don't worry. Nothing is "wrong" with you. You are still sane. This can be healed from. And knowing about what's going on and such will help you know how to help yourself and make yourself and your life better and more healthy.


Things get better over time with DID. Trust me.


-Cassandra

*smilez* Does that mean I wazn't real till a year ago? That would be all kindz of trippy...

No, you were very real, probably long before only a year ago. Many symptoms, alters/parts, etc., aren't really new to existence, just new to knowledge and awareness. Just because you weren't aware of something before doesn't mean it wasn't there all along.

-Cassandra

Oh...Well still a pretty neat concept to tinker with... I think I wanna wait till later and dissect it! The possibilities are endless! ^_^