Not sure who I am or what's going on...

I think I like this blue best. I dunno why it matters, but whatever...

So. Hi. I'm not quite sure what's going on right now. All I know is that I started to not feel good after I got on the max, and I felt all panicky and anxious, and I had to get off way early because I couldn't be on it anymore...yeah. Sucked.

Then I was in a car. I kinda thought I knew who I was in the car with but to be honest I didn't give a sh*t. I was all panicky and anxious again. I felt like I was going to pass out or something. I felt like I NEEDED to get out of that freakin' car. But I just sorta put my hands over my mouth to breathe into them (kinda like how you'd do with a paper bag when you're hyperventilating), and I heard this voice sayin' "It's ok. You're in a car. You're ok." and it just kept repeating it... I mean, it helped, but it was kinda weird...


It's...confusing. It's like...one second, I know what's going on and everything, and the next second, I feel like I'm back in the past and I don't know what's going on or anything...


I think my name's Kyra. But I dunno. It sounds right. Feels right.

I remember being 21... but it's like, split.... like I remember two different versions of being 21... one's a lot more unclear and fuzzier than the other... I'm not sure which is real.... Well, I think mine is real, the more clear one, but it's WAY different than the fuzzy version... and right now the fuzzy version is what matches up with what's going on right now... which scares me and makes me feel real shaky.... are my memories a lie? Did they really happen? Why do I have two sets of memories? Everything's so jumbled...

And it gets even more confusing 'cause I'm not 21 anymore...I'm 13...I'm not sure how I got this way...kinda. I get clear flashes of how and why sh*t is the way it is. I think I'm a slider? If that makes sense? I think it wasn't working out, being 21, so I went back to 13 to try it again? Something like that? I think?


I feel like something's missing... Like it's too quiet. Like it's too...empty? Like I should be hearing something but I'm not. It's weird.

Voices! I used to hear voices! Well, voice not voices. I had like a voice...I used to hear and talk to in my head I remember...there was a name... The Lost One? The Lost Little Chibi? The Lost Chibi? L.C.! That's it! Wonder why I don't hear them now...


I feel very strange... I don't look like me... Do I know what I look like..? So confused...

Can anyone help me? Does anyone know what this is like or what it is? Has anyone felt this way?

~Kyra (I think)

Kyra, we're glad you could come here and look for some support.

It sounds like you're quite overwhelmed at the moment. Is there anything you can do that calms you down a bit?

Being a slider makes sense yes, many systems have people who do that. Going between ages can be a good things as you can handle more than one setting that way

We know some of the others in your system (I don't know how much you know about DID though), and they know of you. Maybe you could write to L.C to see if she writes back again sometime?

Are both of your versions of being 21 of the outside world, or is one of the outside world and one of the inside world? The inside world is where we are when we're not "fronting" (being in the body).

For now, maybe try to relax? Do something you like doing or talk this through (I can talk to you if you want to ) and try to ground yourself (remind yourself what year it is and what things are like now)

I smoked a bit...that helped. It usually helps me calm down and relax.

I talked to Mike a bit (he's supposed to be the boyfriend?? he's old!). And he helped me make dinner so there'd be food to eat, so I've eaten, so that's good... been drinking water... so I'm good as far as food n stuff goes.

I watched some funny shows that Mike showed me. Shows that I do and don't remember at the same time. But they're funny and I laughed at 'em and that's all that matters.


I was kinda trying to kill two birds with one stone or whatever by writing here. I knew they'd see it and it's faster than actually writing and leaving a note n stuff.

I don't know much about the DID-whatever stuff (what's DID?). I know that I had a voice. That was L.C. Oh! There was also Luna- that was the really depressed one. L.C. was more of a apathetic goth type and Luna was more of the emo or whatever type. They both went by "L.C." though.

Yet at the same time, I know about some of the DID stuff. I know there's one named Rebel. There's a creepy one named Cassidy. There's the annoying babysitter Kataki or Kat or whatever. And there's the calm, nice voice that I don't know the name for.
I know that I remember two versions of being 21 because one really happened, and the other was the one I lived here "inside" or whatever. So since I didn't really grow up to be 21 in reality or whatever, I'm back to being 13, I guess.


I was actually getting sleepy like, out of nowhere. Maybe if I fall asleep, "someone else" will wake up or whatever. I dunno what year it is really...Ah. The computer says it's 2012. Interesting. I dunno what year I thought it was or expected it to be, but 2012 doesn't seem "right" for what I supposedly remember. *shrug*


~Kyra (13 yr old one)

I'm glad you found something that helped you calm down a bit

I'm glad you're taking care of the body with eating and drinking.

It must be distressing to both not know and know things at once. Like knowing about the others in that they are someone else who will take over the body, but maybe not so much about the logistics of DID (dissociative identity disorder / multiple personality disorder). Those voices are real people on the inside of you - who take over when you fall asleep as you say, when you're living in the not-real world (the inside world). It's a lot to understand and take in, especially when you both know and don't know at once. I'm sorry you're going through that.

It makes sense that you're back to being 13 on the outside. You might find you are 21 again when you're on the inside. But then again maybe not. You'll wait and see

Getting sleepy like that is usually a sign that someone else wants to switch in or that you are naturally switching out of the body.

I'm glad you're on here Kyra. There are people who understand how you feel here

Good to see you here, Kyra.

Maybe I can help you make a bit more sense of this all. I will at least try.
First, there is nothing to worry that you are confused, everyone would be confused when they find out they have slept about 7 years. It is indeed 2012 (the clock on your computer is right). This world is certainly real, maybe the other too in some way, I don't know.
For a bit more information, right next to your posts is a link to a blog that Cassandra has written. It is outdated, but it might help you make a bit more sense of this all. The signature of your post gives a list of all the 'others'. Here is a more up-to-date timeline, written by Rain, but it may be triggering, particulary for you.
The 'calm nice voice' might be Rain or Cassandra, I don't know.
Kataki goes by Kat nowadays, she has changed a lot.
I hope you will get some communication going with the others in your system. They are probably confused as well with what happened.

I've read your post several times today. Each time thinking I hadn't read it yet but once I start reading I realize I had read it but didn't remember anything you wrote. Sort of like a déjà vu only I 'know' I've read it before.

I remember being 21... but it's like, split.... like I remember two different versions of being 21... one's a lot more unclear and fuzzier than the other... I'm not sure which is real....

When I read this part I sort of feel like I was meant to keep reading it several times today for some reason. I don't know why but it feels so strangely familiar. I feel like I have gone through that before too in my past. But I don't remember...I don't have a memory of it? I don't know. It's a weird feeling I'm not sure how to describe it. Maybe it's not my feeling? Maybe this feeling belongs to one of the others? To me though it is just a feeling. I don't know how to describe it?

2012 doesn't seem "right"

I feel like I've had this before too. Just not for 2012...I'm not sure when.

Has anyone felt this way?

Apparently I think I have. I'm not sure why but it feels so familiar. I feel like there's some deep sadness with it too...like disappointing...confusing..maybe a bit angry? I don't know?

I'm sorry, I can't tell you what this is, but I guess I have experienced it before...I almost feel like there's a 're-experience' flashback type thing going on right now. I'm confused now. Just thought I'd share that with you. I felt like I had to for some reason. I'm not sure why?

*I tried to post this a lot earlier but I guess it didn't work*

I went to sleep, but then I woke up, too. Except I think "another me" or whatever woke up at first and then went back to sleep. Either way, I woke up at like noon. I'm just...doing things. It's like, I'm a puppet or something. Sometimes I can hear voices, but it's just like, a murmur, I can't really tell what they're saying or anything. Sometimes I hear L.C.'s voice again, but I can't make out what she's saying, either.

I wasn't 21 when I went back inside. I dunno if I went back inside, actually. I just went to sleep. Like, actually fell asleep, not the go to "sleep" then appear inside or whatever.

It's kinda creepy to think of the voices as being more than just voices or whatever. Like, I'm reading up on stuff and like, actually using resources and stuff, but I still think of the voices I hear as just voices. Like, I learn about the DID but I don't learn it as if I have it, you know? And it's really weird to think about it as if I have it. Really weird.

Anyway, apparently I gotta go. I dunno why, I dunno where, I just know that I have to and how to get to where I need. Being a puppet again.

~Kyra (13 yr old)

oaktree wrote:Good to see you here, Kyra.

Maybe I can help you make a bit more sense of this all. I will at least try.
First, there is nothing to worry that you are confused, everyone would be confused when they find out they have slept about 7 years. It is indeed 2012 (the clock on your computer is right). This world is certainly real, maybe the other too in some way, I don't know.
For a bit more information, right next to your posts is a link to a blog that Cassandra has written. It is outdated, but it might help you make a bit more sense of this all. The signature of your post gives a list of all the 'others'. Here is a more up-to-date timeline, written by Rain, but it may be triggering, particulary for you.
The 'calm nice voice' might be Rain or Cassandra, I don't know.
Kataki goes by Kat nowadays, she has changed a lot.
I hope you will get some communication going with the others in your system. They are probably confused as well with what happened.

I saw the signature, but it kinda freaks me out to look at it too much and actually think about it...

I didn't see the blog. I've been reading stuff in the DDNOS/DID Resource thread or whatever. That's helped a bunch. But it's still confusing. Like, I read about DID and stuff, but I don't read about it as if I had it. And it's really...weird...to think of it in the sense of me having it kinda. Hope that makes sense.

I saw the timeline. Haven't read it yet. Maybe I'm scared to...

I feel like I knew that Kataki went by Kat, but didn't at the same time.

I heard that the voices/others/whatever were confused but now that they know it's me they're not. Or, at least not as confused or whatever. They know more than I do by now is what I'm trying to say.


On another note, kinda sad. I had made plans to see a friend of mine, Gates, today, but he hasn't contacted me yet... Must be busy or something, I understand, but still...sorta sucks that now I feel like I don't have a reason or anything to be out.

~Kyra (13 yr old)

-- Tue Nov 13, 2012 9:07 pm --

ManyShadesOfMe wrote: I'm sorry, I can't tell you what this is, but I guess I have experienced it before...I almost feel like there's a 're-experience' flashback type thing going on right now. I'm confused now. Just thought I'd share that with you. I felt like I had to for some reason. I'm not sure why?

That's ok. It's still cool to know I'm not the only one who's felt like this before.

~Kyra (13 yr old)

It's understandable that it's very weird to take it in as something you have. Most everyone has gone through the discovery process and found it incredibly weird to learn, and then see it in themselves as well.

As for the year - most of our system thinks it's a different year to what it actually is. It's very common.

Maybe you could try to read a bit about how to start communicating (inside or outside) with the others? Maybe it would help if you could hear them, so they could explain things to you so you don't feel so much as a puppet. That must be a very uncomfortable feeling, and I'm sorry for that.

I hope you feel better soon and that things start to make more sense to you. It's a long road to understanding, but getting there is so much better than all the confusion you now currently sit with. The best of luck!

lifelongthing wrote:Maybe you could try to read a bit about how to start communicating (inside or outside) with the others? Maybe it would help if you could hear them, so they could explain things to you so you don't feel so much as a puppet. That must be a very uncomfortable feeling, and I'm sorry for that.

I've tried this. I can hear voices sometimes now, but they seem to only really be clear and stuff when they want me to type stuff they're saying on here. Every once in a while I hear like, L.C.'s voice saying "It's ok", "It's kinda like 8th grade again except I'm in the background, not up front with you", "Just try to go with the flow for now", and stuff like that, but that's pretty much it.

I've been reading the resource thread. I think I'm almost done with it. But I reread stuff a lot, too. It's been helpful, but it's still weird to think about in the sense of this stuff is actually happening to me, you know?

I still feel a lot like a puppet.

I thought that like, I was "out" for a reason, kinda like you know how "others" are triggered "out"? I thought I was like, "out" because there was a hang-out planned with Gates, my friend from 8th grade, yesterday. I got to see him for the first time in apparently 7 years! (Well, unless you count the few times I saw him when I was 21 and thought he was my boyfriend 'cause he was in my "inside reality". I don't). So that was actually a lot of fun. But I thought I'd like, go away or something when that was over and I'm still here! I don't wanna be here anymore... I'm confused all the time and I don't like it... The only time I wasn't confused was when I was hanging out with Gates, but that's 'cause it felt like we were both back in 8th grade again..

I wish I at least knew why I was still here/out/whatever...

~Kyra (13 yr old)