What Am I? (Trigger Warning)

I'm not entirely sure what I'm about to write so trigger warning thrown in for safety I guess. Identity Confusion mostly.
Might be a long post, too.

Sorry for taking up space on the board... I know everyone else has their own problems but I feel like I should get this out there instead of keeping it in my head.

Of course. I'am fuzzy again. It's trying to keep me from talking again. But here I am with time and a phone so. ###$ it.

I don't know who I am anymore. I remember a time when my name was Gabrielle and I was a girl. Then I felt that I was more male and wanted to present as such. Call me Gabriel I said. I remember when either one of those names felt close and familiar. But now... they feel so weird and foreign. I never liked being addressed by Gabrielle but at least it was -my- name. Now it's so distant and gross and wrong. It was only recently that it really started bothering me. It's so... weird! I'm still me but I don't know who "me" is! I have no identity any more! The name Janus/Janice sits well with me...
But if my name is Janus then I look different than this body. I don't like it. Not one bit. The body, I mean. My eyes are nice but it's too meaty. I'm thin and nice and my hair is black and long and beautiful. I'm not aloud to be Janus though. Because I'm Gabrielle even though the name is wrong and my hands are wrong and my feet are wrong and that person in the mirror isn't me. I've seen Kevin in the mirror and I might have seen Maria but I don't see me anymore. Or have I ever? This is dumb.
If I'm not Gabrielle, where did she go? It's not like we have different awarenesses... "I'm" always there and because I am(?) her she must have always been there too.

I think there's more to say but I can't do it right now.

- Who the hell knows?

AliasForAFew wrote:I don't know who I am anymore. I remember a time when my name was Gabrielle and I was a girl. Then I felt that I was more male and wanted to present as such.

AliasForAFew wrote:I look different than this body.

I know how'd you feel. Adam always thinks he's a girl. He thinks he has like... you know... on his chest. In fact, usually people with DID feel like this.

You have an identity! It just might need some thinking about is all. It can get confusing with everyone else, especially with alters that are similar to you, and especially when you start to experience co-consciousness and such. I mean, look at us. I'm saying "I", but I have no idea who I am right now. During these times I just try to relax and go with the flow. We find ourselves bouncing from activity to activity, our interests change randomly, but we just try to go along with it the best we can and enjoy ourselves. Deep breathing when needed, keeping calm, and not worrying about anything except for ourselves and what helps us/makes us feel better. Sometimes this is needed and that's ok.

When Hawk first came into awareness, she didn't know anything about herself. All she knew was that she liked Foamy the Squirrel, loved the colors red and orange, and loved the mohawk hairstyle. So all we'd see if she was around was a flash of orange, or a blur of red, or an orange mohawk. That's IT. And that's all she'd see of herself, too. So she started building her identity from scratch.
Hawk started with deciding a nickname at first, not a real name. Just something people could call her until she found a real name she liked, you know? Maybe you could do that. Find a nickname, even if it is Janus, for you to go by until you find a permanent name you like/identify with. Hawk's name started off as a nickname, and it came from her love of the mohawk hairstyle, actually, funny enough. (Mohawks are often called "hawks" for short). But then, both she and the rest of us began to realize how well the name "Hawk" fit her, since she is a lot like a Hawk. She often sees all, knows all points of views, and she swoops down for the rescue whenever she sees or senses danger, like a hawk guarding her nest. So, the name "Hawk" stayed.
Then Hawk researched girls and boys, looked up pictures of girls and boys she liked/wanted to look like, and then after a week or so, she realized that she identified with the female gender, so bam! She became female. (I know that won't work as well for you with having the body's gender, but you can at least feel better in knowing for sure what gender YOU identify with, as that's a reassurance of your identity).
She tried on all of our clothes, looked at pictures of clothes and clothing styles, and bam! Chose what she liked to wear and what clothes she felt she identified with. Maybe you should look into what clothes and styles you like, to help remind yourself or even change past opinions?
She's trying all of our past hobbies, seeing what she likes and doesn't like, and she's also researching hobbies and things that interest her to learn/know what she's into, what she likes, what hobbies she can pick up, etc. Maybe you can do something similar? Revise your hobbies and interests, and see what YOU like now? Things and people do change over time, even without DID or identify confusion. She still doesn't know how old she is/what age she identifies with yet, but so far she's said that she likes the idea of age 19 the best. Maybe you can look into what age you identify with, even if it's not the body's age? Knowing what you like, what you identify with, and all that kind of stuff, can really help you feel better and more secure about your identity.

As for the body, we already know Hawk plans to start working out more and such (not that we care. Just because some of us don't exercise or are too lazy too doesn't mean we'll stop someone else from exercising and making the body healthier). She's going to be the new host, and she's going to make the body as much of "her's" as possible! And you should, too! Screw whatever images you have tied to names! That body is YOUR body, make it look as much like YOU as possible! Wear clothes you want, maybe start exercising (even just walking more in a day or something, walking actually does wonders), and focus on the aspects of the body you DO like, like the eyes. Make the body as much of "your's" as possible! It might never be perfect, but at least something is better than nothing.

Here are two threads that might be interesting to you (if you haven't seen them already).
-- Recognizing yourself: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104318.html
-- Experiences with uncertainty of who you are/how you feel?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104461.html


And yes, actually, alters CAN have different awarenesses. This is how it's possible that an alter in the system doesn't know they have DID or alters. This is also how it's possible for the host to be unaware of the DID until later on in life, whereas some of their alters could've been aware of the host and themselves the entire time (hence where we get alters that say stuff like "I've always been here, just in the background"). Just because you're all parts of the same person doesn't mean each part knows or realizes that, and it doesn't mean every part is aware of the outside world all at once. AND it's also possible for alters to be co-conscious without realizing it, without even realizing or knowing they have DID even! So yes, different awareness within a DID system/alters do exist.

It's possible you could've been Gabrielle, but now you simply don't identify with that name or the identity attached to that name anymore. It's also possible that Gabrielle could've been an alter, who's maybe gone inside or something, which is why you don't see her in the mirror anymore. Only time will tell, really. Maybe you could try asking for a Gabrielle if you're able to communicate with your alters at all. If possible, you could try asking other alters as well if they know of a Gabrielle, or what they make of your feelings/thoughts.

Instead of focusing on what you don't know and don't like, try to focus on what you do know and what you do like. Revisit, revise, and rebuild your identity, because whether or not you're Gabrielle, rebuilding/reaffirming your identify will help you to feel better/more secure about it.

Best of luck to you. Hope you feel better soon.


-A mixture of us(?)

Thank you Racheal and those under the tomboy24 username for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it.
And I'll take a look at those links, thank you very much.

I just have a couple of questions though, if that's alright;

The first is, how could I no longer be Gabrielle if if had been her? Wouldn't I still feel some connection to the birth name even if I didn't connect to the identity associated with it?

If Gabrielle and I are more separate than not, wouldn't I (as Janus) have noticed that I wasn't Gabrielle earlier? Why would Eric and everyone else refer to me as Gabrielle if I wasn't her?

If you (all) are comfortable answering this question; what did it feel like for you, typing that? To type "I" but not know exactly who you were?

And now for a bit of speculation/thinking "aloud";

I have a pretty spotty memory but I don't feel like I'm "missing" anything, per se. I know I've had a childhood... I don't think my memory is worse than any of my peers at least...

Somebody was freaking out last month around our birthday. Could it have been Gabrielle? Someone was so so uncomfortable with the idea of turning 18 and the passage of time that they panicked. Maybe that's why I came about and why the party was so awkward for me? I knew everyone there but I didn't at the same time, I guess...
Is it possible for a transition to be that smooth? To be Gabrielle, terrified of being an adult and not being eight, then suddenly(over the course of a few weeks) being someone else with all the necessary thoughts, memories, emotions, and actions to continue daily life unnoticeably different? Granted, school has been fairly rocky for a while, but now that I'm here and more-or-less settled, things are back on track again.

Thank you again for your advice. I'll definitely take it to heart and start another "finding myself" journey. What fun.

-Janus(?)

AliasForAFew wrote:I just have a couple of questions though, if that's alright;

The first is, how could I no longer be Gabrielle if if had been her? Wouldn't I still feel some connection to the birth name even if I didn't connect to the identity associated with it?

Not necessarily. You either were/are Gabrielle, or you weren't/aren't. There is no "I was Gabrielle and then I wasn't", all that is, is a simple name change or identity preference changes.

*Possible Trigger, talk of DID development*
See, with DID, you basically start out "split". The structuring processes of the personality neurons are interrupted/disrupted, and this is what helps to cause DID (along with trauma). So, instead of forming a whole personality and "melding" together, the neurons stay separate, creating "sides" of a personality, which later create/develop into alters. So, you either were/are Gabrielle, or you weren't/aren't, because you would've always been there as yourself. Not as developed, maybe, and perhaps not having awareness, but the neuron/"side" that developed into you was always there. (Hope that makes sense). You didn't start out as Gabrielle and then change or something. Like I said, if you are Gabrielle, then all that's happening is a name/identity change, and even then you don't always feel connection to things you've changed from. People, especially those with DID/a dissociation disorder, can often change and have no connection to past things because of the mindset/view of "That was then, this is now". It's much easier for people with a dissociative disorder to have no connection to past things, including identities, because they're able to dissociate from that time period easier, and able to fit things into the "That was then, this is now" categories easier as well.

AliasForAFew wrote:If Gabrielle and I are more separate than not, wouldn't I (as Janus) have noticed that I wasn't Gabrielle earlier? Why would Eric and everyone else refer to me as Gabrielle if I wasn't her?

Not necessarily. Is Gabrielle the body's birth name, or is it a name you chose? Or is it a name you were known as/called and so you went along with it? Because if Gabrielle was not a name you specifically chose, you might not have realized that you didn't identify with that name because you probably didn't have the freedom to really be obvious that you didn't identify with that name. The option wasn't there, so it was easier to just accept it and go with that name.

Keep in mind that just as people develop and learn more about themselves, alters do as well. After all, you're all parts of the same person, you're all going to develop further and realize things and learn more things about yourselves. Time, experiences, and living tends to do that, whether you're a multiple or a singleton.

If you only thought to go by Gabrielle, or if Eric and the others were used to knowing you as Gabrielle, or only knew you as Gabrielle, then why would they call you by anything else? Why would they have any reason to think that you weren't her? Did you ever give them any reasons (before recently), to make them think that you might not be her? Because otherwise, they might not know any more than you do, so of course they're just going to call you the name they know you by, or that you've been called by before, or stuff like that.

AliasForAFew wrote:If you (all) are comfortable answering this question; what did it feel like for you, typing that? To type "I" but not know exactly who you were?

Strange. Had a feeling/sense of uncertainty about it. Had a feeling/sense of it being "wrong"/"off". Felt weird to type it. But we've been getting more used to it lately, to be honest. DID is like a river. If you try to swim against the current, you're not going to get that far, and you'll just make it harder on yourself. If you go with the flow and let the current carry you, you'll cruise along downstream until you can find a spot to swim to shore, and you won't be making it harder for yourself.

At first, for us, not knowing who exactly we were made everything seem kinda like a dream, but we knew and were aware that it was all real. It was like...feeling like you needed to wake up, but knowing you're already awake, if that makes sense. Now that we've calmed down about it and tried to just let ourselves be, it's gotten better. It feels less like a dream and more like a thin fog. Foggy enough so that nothing's really clear, but clear enough to not freak us out or seem unreal all the time or anything like that.

AliasForAFew wrote:Somebody was freaking out last month around our birthday. Could it have been Gabrielle? Someone was so so uncomfortable with the idea of turning 18 and the passage of time that they panicked. Maybe that's why I came about and why the party was so awkward for me? I knew everyone there but I didn't at the same time, I guess...
Is it possible for a transition to be that smooth? To be Gabrielle, terrified of being an adult and not being eight, then suddenly(over the course of a few weeks) being someone else with all the necessary thoughts, memories, emotions, and actions to continue daily life unnoticeably different? Granted, school has been fairly rocky for a while, but now that I'm here and more-or-less settled, things are back on track again.

It IS completely possible for a transition to be that smooth! We've been through at least 2 ourselves!

We didn't realize it until later, but Kyra was actually the host for the year of 8th grade/age 13. We didn't feel the change, all we knew/realized was that we wanted to be called Kyra, we refused to respond to anything else for the most part, and our opinions had changed (we were more antisocial, we had less tolerance for "immature" things often, we were more negative, we had different views on friends, school, etc., changes all around). This was also way before we knew we had DID, but we had become aware that there were definitely voices in our heads (and this was when we began to realize that having voices wasn't "normal", and that the voices weren't just our conscience).
And then, after 8th grade, there was a shift. Cassandra was back at host, and all that was noticed was that we didn't want to go by the name Kyra anymore, we were trying to have a more positive outlook on life with the new start of going into high school, and we were trying to change for the better in an attempt to help make life better overall for us. That's all that was noticed. Nothing more. All we thought was that we had simple preference/mindset changes. We had no clue that there was switching going on, much less with who was the host!


The other change happened when Cassie stepped down from host (which we weren't aware of, not even the fact that she had been the host, until recently, actually. It's funny what you notice when you look back on things after learning and understanding more about yourself/what's been going on). *Possible Trigger, Mentions of family member death* When our mom died, Cassie couldn't handle it. She couldn't move on. It was just too much. And so Cassandra stepped up to handle life, to make us go back to school, to put the past behind her and focus on getting good grades and living, to attempt to move forward. You know what was noticed? Only emotional detachment from the subject of our mom's death. All we noticed/realized is that all of a sudden, we were able to talk about our mom and her death without getting upset or tearing up or crying. That was the only difference noticeable to us at the time. We had no idea that Cassie had been the host, we had no idea that she had stepped down, and we had no idea that Cassandra had stepped up. It just happened because it was what needed to happen.


Remember that DID helps to put things on "hold" until you're in a place where you're able to process, understand, and learn about them. That's how it helps you to cope and function, it helps you to put things "away" until you're able to and in a safe enough place to learn about them, process them, and understand them. This is why people often realize more and their lives make more sense with the more they learn about DID and how it "works". So, if you weren't ready or able to be aware of any transitions or changes at the moment, your mind probably kept you from being aware of it for the most part. Like we said, back then, when those host changes happened, we had no idea, and nothing seemed obvious or weird or anything. Now that we're able to look back on it, understand what was happening more, and learn more about what was actually going on, we're able to see and realize what was actually taking place, and that was host changes. So it's completely possible that such a transition took place and all that you noticed was a change in how you felt (knowing but not knowing people at the same time and such).

AliasForAFew wrote:Thank you again for your advice. I'll definitely take it to heart and start another "finding myself" journey. What fun.

-Janus(?)

You're welcome, we're glad we could be of help.

We think that everyone should revisit, revise, and reconsider their identity every once in a while. Time, experiences, knowledge, realizations, and lessons that people learn throughout life can change them, and it is sometimes healthy/helpful to "rediscover" yourself, especially if you find yourself not really knowing who you are or feeling like you identify with yourself one day (singletons and multiples alike can experience this). It's all too easy to get caught up in life and just go with what you know or what you're used to or get stuck in a routine, including with your own identity.

Hope that our answers were somewhat helpful to you. Those were good questions by the way! We like to have to think about questions for a bit when we're feeling up to it.


-A mixture of us(?)

Gabrielle is our birth name, not one any of us chose to have.

Thank you for your time and advice, again, it is very much appreciated.

If you only thought to go by Gabrielle, or if Eric and the others were used to knowing you as Gabrielle, or only knew you as Gabrielle, then why would they call you by anything else? Why would they have any reason to think that you weren't her? Did you ever give them any reasons (before recently), to make them think that you might not be her? Because otherwise, they might not know any more than you do, so of course they're just going to call you the name they know you by, or that you've been called by before, or stuff like that.

That makes a great deal of sense... I suppose I hadn't thought about it like that. I guess I'm just used to Eric knowing everything, or at least proclaiming that he does. I guess I'll just have to get over him not knowing everything about us at least.

It IS completely possible for a transition to be that smooth! We've been through at least 2 ourselves!

That's absolutely fascinating and it sounds very similar to what I (we) am (are) going through now. Thank you so very much for sharing.
I have already begun to form this identity to the way I see fit (but still comfortable for everyone else, though) and I'm very excited to continue the search.

Those were good questions by the way!

Thank you very much for that.
And again, thank you for the advice and stories. They've really helped.

-Janus

Glad we could be helpful! Good luck on your identity-discovering journey! We hope it continues to go well!


-A mixture of us(?)