New Host...who am I?

So what am I supposed to do now? I'm out here in the real world, I am confused on what my purpose is. I noticed this site was here in the history so I figured asking a question would be easier anonymously than going to a doctor who is going to try and analyze and fail at their job. I woke up in this world during the Summer, right after his first year of College. He's hiding and I can't find him, nor do I really care where he is. But now I'm hearing from everyone (inside) that I'm supposed to be out in the spotlight and take over. They won't tell me why. I have no memories except for the ones the original host had and a few that I don't particular know if they are mine. I'm confused, I'm living life "normally" and everything seems completely fine to me. There isn't any stress, problems that I can see or feel. I just want to go back inside, because I hate this place it's so dull compared to where I'm from. So am I locked out of the inner world? Am I suppose to take over the job now? What the heck is going on?

Hey, you sound a bit like me! I didn't even have a name when I came into awareness. I still don't have a gender, or an age, or a permanent name, I just have a nickname for now. In fact, I don't really know anything about myself. All I identified with when I came into awareness was Foamy the Squirrel, the colors red, orange, and some yellows, the mohawk hairstyle, and that's about it. I know all previous knowledge, though. I know everything that everyone else in this body/mind knows. BUT since no one know about me, I don't know about me. At least, that's the only way I can figure it, and it seems to be fairly accurate. (Hope it makes sense).

There's talk of me being the new host, and we're thinking it's probably going to happen. It's not that Cassandra's a bad host or anything (she's our current host), but she's mainly used to being aware of/"handling" 4 alters/others, not the 17 or whatever we're up to now. And changes are just getting too hard for her to handle (not that it's her fault, it's completely understandable). So, to help her out, to fit our changed needs, and to fit our changing situations/environment, we might be switching the host job over to me.

As a host, you're not locked out of the inner world, but it might be hard for you to get back in. This is because your purpose is now to be "out" and handle everyday life. And hosts aren't chosen willy-nilly. If you're the new host, your system, (group of alters/other parts of you), believes that you can handle and are able to be the new host, so try to not feel too overwhelmed. Take some deep breaths, tell yourself that you've been chosen for this role because you're the "best fit" for the role, and know that despite the changes, you're still yourself.

It sounds like you're meant to be the new host, so you'll have to take on this role. It might not seem like there's any reason for this right now, but DID systems/alters don't change hosts for no reason. Either things were getting too difficult for the old host (nothing to be ashamed of), or something happened to make the old host go "inside", or something triggered a host change, or the needs of the system changed- there's a reason that you are now the host; even if you don't know the reason right now, one's there.

Here's a thread that should be helpful to you. It's a thread that contains resource websites on DID, and other threads from this site that deal with communicating with others/alters, switches, awareness, system conflicts, common experiences, common questions, and more. (There's a 2nd page with edits, so don't stop at just the 1st page)
DDNOS/DID RESOURCES: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


Here's a thread about what makes the host, well, the host:
What makes me the host? (mini-breakdown): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101850.html


These other threads might also be helpful to you (don't feel too overwhelmed with the reading suggestions I'm giving you. All threads are short; 1-2 pages):
Not sure who I am or what's going on...: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100859.html
I can't switch: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101893.html
How to gain control (this is about conflict within the system and acceptance/cooperation between alters): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101946.html


I hope I was somewhat helpful. Hello and welcome to this forum, it's a safe, supportive, and understanding place where you're free to post anything you're comfortable with. Hope it's helpful to you.


~The Hawk