The anger is subsiding, but the melancholy is rising. I suppose the psychiatrist was right when he said they were two sides to the same coin. I'm not depressed really, but I'm getting those twinges of sadness again. I also am wanting to eat junk food a lot more again. There was a good point there where I wasn't.... Now I just want to sleep to make the boredom go away.

I wish I had friends. Haha.

This has been a good day. Bought some new bras and got a letter from my man. He sounds like he's really thinking of coming home. He said we need to find a place to live together and everything. He ended his letter saying to stock up on condoms... hahaha. I know how he feels. We've been apart for 2 months! I hope he tells me in his phone call this weekend that he's going to come home.

The anger and irritation is slowly fading into unhappiness and the sting of tears. I can't do this on my own. No one helps anymore. Because I want happiness in the future, I'm being punished in the present. I just want to give up so badly now. I want to throw in the towel and curl up alone in my bed for the rest of my pathetic life. I don't have anything great to give anyone, no matter how much I try. I've tried so hard these last 2 months, but.... 2 months is nothing. To me, it has felt like years. Everyone else just rolls their eyes at me, saying I need to grow up and do things on my own because welcome to the rest of my life.

... I hate this life. I want the life where the man I love is with me. I want the life where we're stupid together and have a stupidly happy little family. I don't want a life filled with loneliness and misery.... with self-doubts, hatred towards myself and humanity, and so much hidden anger that I want to explode or rip myself to shreds with any sharp object I can find.

Oh how I wish I knew where those scrapbooking supplies were... maybe I should look for them.... Maybe the blades could help me get through another week... another month... Who knows how long I'll be trapped in this life where I feel like a prisoner... the blades, which I haven't used in 3 years, could possibly help me escape from here for at least a little while...

I'm missing him more and more. Everything reminds me of him. Fast food. TV shows... His shoes are still under the table. His coat hanging up, and clothes mixed in with mine. At first, all this helped me feel as though he was still around. Now, it makes me sad to see because I can't pretend he'll walk in the door anytime soon. I want to tell him to come home to me. I want to beg him to return... to selfishly drag him back. I know I can't though. This very important decision has to be made by him, and come from a lot of mature and serious thinking.

I just miss his stupid face. I want to hold him and be held by him. i want to watch him play video games and lay in his lap. I just love him so dern much. Why does it have to be so hard?

It's really hard having my fiance in boot camp. He was supposed to graduate this Friday but he was injured. Now we don't know how long it'll be, and now we are both wondering if the military life is right for him anyway. He doesn't want to be away from family for as long as he would have to be. He misses us a lot, and is so sad he's missing so much of my daughter's growing up. She's starting to sit on her own, and will probably be crawling in a few months. He'll miss that if he stays in... He'll miss a lot of things by being in the military.

I know it's awful, but a big part of me thinks that I couldn't even stay with him if he graduates from basic training. His first tour on a ship would probably be the last straw for me... I'm afraid I'd leave him... I just don't know what else to do, since my emotions are so unstable even when he's right by my side! I just want him to be here with me. I want to cuddle on the couch with him... and make fun of each other... and be stupid together. I miss him so much.