The anger and irritation is slowly fading into unhappiness and the sting of tears. I can't do this on my own. No one helps anymore. Because I want happiness in the future, I'm being punished in the present. I just want to give up so badly now. I want to throw in the towel and curl up alone in my bed for the rest of my pathetic life. I don't have anything great to give anyone, no matter how much I try. I've tried so hard these last 2 months, but.... 2 months is nothing. To me, it has felt like years. Everyone else just rolls their eyes at me, saying I need to grow up and do things on my own because welcome to the rest of my life.

... I hate this life. I want the life where the man I love is with me. I want the life where we're stupid together and have a stupidly happy little family. I don't want a life filled with loneliness and misery.... with self-doubts, hatred towards myself and humanity, and so much hidden anger that I want to explode or rip myself to shreds with any sharp object I can find.

Oh how I wish I knew where those scrapbooking supplies were... maybe I should look for them.... Maybe the blades could help me get through another week... another month... Who knows how long I'll be trapped in this life where I feel like a prisoner... the blades, which I haven't used in 3 years, could possibly help me escape from here for at least a little while...