So I was in the kitchen using a knife. It was a new one and really sharp. I just got these urges to cut right there. But my parents were in the kitchen too. I still put the knife to my hand and made 2 or 3 small cuts before they could notice. One started bleeding so I had to go clean it up. I never cut with a knife before and I can't believe I started doing it again. My old ones from earlier this year are fading and I feel like if I should make some new ones. I just don't want to feel bad about it after.

Sunday 29 January
50 days sober!
RR 30% - danger!

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen
………
Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – ALL the time!
……..
Well as you can see from the very low resolve rating above, I feel in much danger today in terms of acting out. I woke up in the night and that’s when I felt most triggered. Got a good action plan though for today. Meeting some friends this morning. Then HAVE to get to a meeting. Also planning to call my sponsor and do as many outreach calls – and explain how triggered I felt last night in the night and how close my mind was in terms of planning to act out. Also going to do some written step work today that my sponsor wanted me to do. Also important that I keep busy today and don’t try to engage my inner addict in any kind of intellectual debate or argument about whether I should act out or not because my addict always wins them. Only action can save me!

*

When I look at my past there is nothing absolutely nothing that points me twords being gay or bi it utterly baffles me that I am how I am there is nothing in my past that tells me that I had even an inqling of liking my own sex and get here we are I'm definitely not up front and I'm a very agreeable and socially anxious person but I can't think of anything that would of pointed me to where I am now there was a point in the where I couldn't understand how a person could find somebody.of there own sex attractive everything I wanted was in a woman so this is just confusing I can't find anybody who's going through what I'm going through the gays and the bi's can look at there past and say ah this makes sense the people say that sounds utterly disgusting but I still fear it I'm somewhere in between and not only that I only ever wanted women for 7-8 years and trying to separate my past from my current self is just hard and depressing

Got judged right out of my church. It was a great church. It supplied many things for me. However, the people are getting or staying mean. When I had more walls up. Walls within walls within walls. It didn't matter. I didn't care where I was. I was just learning how to show up. As I got slowly better no one else did. Maybe a few people. The point is that as I got better other people continued to judge me. They did not understand me. Or why I was what I was. Or why I wasn't working, or more importantly, why wasn't l like them. I know churches are judgmental places. IT true. However the judging gets mean. The people get mean. Theirs a sense they wanted me out, that I wasn't one of them.
I played piano and drums at that church in off hours. It allowed me to get back into my music again with Gods help. I am deeply thankful for that. But to who. To the people in the church or God.

My wave length, Their wave length, didn't fit.. Now that Im getting better, Im trying to see things without the fantasy bond. Trying to see the people the way they are. That is what counts. Nothing else.

I have to leave and find nice people to be around. I will not be around people that are prejudice. That is what is going on here. Im getting cold thrown at me. A cold stare, a cold attitude. A cold interest.
I have to leave.

Work: People think Im lazy or different. That is why I don't work. The truth is I don't have the heart to tell them all that happened to me or why Im in there small town. And I really don't wanted to be reminded of it. Most of my life was destroyed, and I never planed on it or wanted it that way. I wanted relationships with people, family , and friends. That is not what happened. Most of my life was erased, and I really don't want to look at it or deal with it. Not in a public place around public people. Its to painful. Why would I want all of that sorrow thrown down on me, all at once on an abrupt moment in the middle of a public place. In addition to that, its coming from every angle, every person in a specific group in a specific setting... Like getting the cold shoulder from everyone. Like being a scapegoat, but worse. Like being the town scoundrel or the church scoundrel in the group. Or the church loafer or pan handler.

I sang a song at church today. No one was impressed, instead they gave me these looks like : get out of our church pan handler"..."loser" "Freeloader" Nice place..!!!

Its time to leave. I...