My mom and I will no longer be having therapy sessions together.

Today, we got back on track with me recounting my molestation experiences. I told my therapist how I felt in what I wrote about today - how the amount of times it happened gets to me sometimes - and went into more graphic detail about what happened to me at one point. I use blunt language like "eat me out" or "down on me" in therapy too because, to me, that's just calling it what it is. I hate using words like "cunnilingus" because it just rubs me the wrong way. Feels like sugarcoating it. That's just my opinion.

Anyway, my mom objected to me using those words and about had an outburst at me over it. I told her understand these details are hard for her to hear, but I also told her what I said about sugarcoating it and that I'm not going to do that. She started making a big deal out of it, but I told her if she can't handle the details, and not that I blame her, then maybe she shouldn't be joining me in our sessions. I might've been a bit harsh in how I said it, but I didn't take kindly to her basically telling me to water things down for her.

The therapist suggested that maybe we should start doing our own individual sessions because, as we went over before, this is taking its toll on my mother as well and she will need her own therapy to cope with it. My mom didn't follow-up with arranging her own therapy sessions, but she said she would this time.

It's too bad it had to come to this, but it is what it is.

The past five years have been rough. I took some big leaps of faith that I should not have and it all blew up in my face. Yes, there were many good times. Many good moments. But, when I look back on my memories of that time many of them are bad. Many of them seem petty and trivial to me now. Things that I thought were so important make me cringe when I recall. The best part, however, is that I can count this as a sign of growth. As a sign that I've moved on as a person. The truth is, when I see myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see on the inside and out. Its been this way for quite some time and for some reason I never wanted to admit it until now. Probably because I thought I would be failing myself and those around me. With those people out of my life, however, I am allowed to feel more comfortable with who I've become and, while that person is not what I envisioned I think he still has faith in those around him and in himself.

Of course, none of this would have been possible without my ex girlfriend of four years. On the whole, she is just a person to me now. My emotions will run high at thoughts of her from time to time but mostly she does not enter my mind for a day or two at a time. It almost feels silly even writing about her specifically. Just like more wasted time.

Here are some lessons I learned from the past five years:

1) Be Careful about who you trust implicitly.

I had a habit of dumping trust on people whole heatedly. This screwed me a couple of times when people did not come through. Now, I only trust one person: Me. That's not to say I won't trust people from time to time but I am careful about when and what I entrust them with (emotions, important tasks etc.) That's not to say, however, that I won't forgive people of making human mistakes. I can forgive people their mistakes because we all make them.

2) Don't Waste Time

I had some sweet experiences but I also wasted a lot of time. This is something I'm trying to rectify. Well deserved breaks from life is not considered wasted time.

3) I Have Limited Internal Resources

In any given situation I only have so much willpower I can draw on. Sometimes its better to take a break.

4) Perfection Does Not Exist

You can try for it, but than you'll get nothing done.

5) You Cannot Confine Your Concept Of Personal Worth to External Individuals or Materialistic Possessions

Fundamentally you are a secondary element in the worlds of others. If you take cues of self worth and identity from them then you become something that you are not. Jokingly by friends I have been called:

weird
creepy
strange
etc.

For a time I thought I was called those things because I was those things. The fact is I'm not those things at all and hurtful comments are, more often than not, poorly thought out.

Hello all.
I would like to introduce myself but that would take far too long in that I would feel obliged to tell all.
I will try and summarise as much as possible who I am and where I fit on this site.
I was first diagnosed as having depression when I was 16 years of age, the school nurse wanted to see me put on anti-depressants but my mother wouldn't hear of it.
I can't remember when I first started on them, I guess it was in the 1990s. after the birth of my three girls. When I went for a hysterectomy, it was found that I had a low thyroid function which also can also be a common condition associated with depression.
I am now 49.
I have had my medication changed, dose altered and now I am in the process of receiving my second course of CBT. (cognitive behaviour therapy).
Today I asked my psychiatrist, did I have bi-polar. No, I certainly did not...... what I have is called Dysthymia. Tonight I have looked it up and I am not only amazed but soooooooooooo thankful that now I have something which I can all my condition and not only that but there are people out there who have the same as me and we can share our thoughts, feelings etc.
It is such a relief.
I registered today and I hope to meet people the same as me on here.
Please feel free to mail me.
Thank you.

There will be no more blogs in this series concerning my First love; It has now been solved.
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The inner workings I was seeking from this First Love; These were attributes I was originally seeking from my parents...
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I will begin a new blog series concerning my Mother and Father; I will be looking at Severe Neglect and Abandonment at child age... The way I responded to the neglect and abandonment; The imbalancement of such severities left me overly needy insecure; angry and disparately seeking outside relationships similar to being with my parents. The Goal when young; Find someone I can over come; love and receive love and prove that Im good enough and dont have to be neglected or thrown away; have success in that relationship.
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My first love was a copy of the relationship I had with my parents... unfortunately; I could not follow through. I was cut off halfway through my childhood by my parents and lost my voice; my ability to share an opinion; I lost everything. Unfortunately when up with my first love; suddenly when I was to advance into a romantic arrangement with her; I froze up and could not; and could not speak; I was literally catatonic... I could not get past the walls of trauma and dissociation. Unfortunately she was not trained in psychology; Instead of understanding; she and her family laughed at me thinking I was weak. I knew at that moment; I could never see her ever again... I wanted nothing to do with her or her family or anyone like at that point. The problem was; I was so in love with her. I still saw her; but it was bizarre; One side was made sick of her; the other in love with her. I tried to go up and see her; but I could not follow through; could not follow through anyway.
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However, the universe has revealed to me that What I wanted from my first love; I could get from many different women; not just one. I wanted what my parents had not given me. And I wanted a best friend and to feel connected. But many people can be my best friend where I feel safe and connected;
It was not my first love I loved; it was what she was giving me that I craved; she could have been anyone... sorta.. within reason here... Yet, Im making my point.
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My present goal with my first love;
So; The present goal with my first love was; separate from the bonding codependency I remember; to undo the hooks that bound us together . And that has happened; It is now established that the connection I had with my first love, this was a continuation of the connection I had with my parents. In a sense; She represented a relationship with my parents ( she would be playing the role of my parents); thus; a relationship where I could give and receive and win! Unfortunately; that never happened because I could neither follow through nor communicate my feelings about anything...
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WHATS NEXT:
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Now; I move down the number line. A new focus is emerging; My Parents...
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I will look at abandonment and neglect.. An over view....
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Ill still write about my first love; MAYBE: just to clear up any things that caused pain. I will address I think...
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I dont know. My FIrst Love is already becoming a memory...
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yes they could make a data assisted organic meta material designer they're not far off it these days.