Blog;
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Ive talked allot about occupational ideas concerning things in the focus of Art/Writing/Music Creation.
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Ive talked about the years of being locked out of everything concerning occupation; meaning Hobbies and interests and callings, purposes; and so forth.
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However; now after much work; Years of working with God on things. One step at a time; with the help of others; walls are coming down…
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And Im showing signs of being organized…
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Im now working with others recreation-ally in these areas of the Arts; Im showing commitment signs to the Arts; creation process…
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Ive made enough advancements in this area that Im kind of on my own a bit and standing on my own 2 feet.
I think in the future blogs; Ill write about the work ethics involved as Im in the middle of the process of creating; The work ethic is now the concern around this… Learning to work more at it; putting in a little more time at a time… slowly; just slowly advancing naturally. However; Im truly at the beginning of all of this; meaning; Now that Im actually doing things in the real world. Im kind of in the real world now dealing with all of this again. Well; The fake and shadow life/ fantasy field Ive been living in; Ive stepped out of that with Gods help. Im now on the other side…
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Im on the others side very new and with no experience working at things in the real world. So; Ill keep working with God on all of this and report my challenges when they occur or need to be.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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Where am I at in the overall development of relationship brought back into my life.
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After the last brutal rounds of Mental breakdowns; breaks from reality where I was put on social security and put out to fenced world of grassy knolls and salt feeding beens for the live stock; A place I could live out my days in La La land and not bother anyone.
Its seems; Those days are over… Im now committed to a fully developed recovery that is gaining confidence. I may never regain self fully; but Im certainly showing signs of creeping up on a solid belief in the concept of rehabilitation. I would say Ive moved into that realm in some protective realms; and realms with opportunities to get help developing; A general person development for all aspects of maturity and right thinking citizen ship within my civilization and society.
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What does all this mean; It means Ive made inroads into society and Im now part of society in small but solid ways… Ive made foundational moves into society where small foundations have been established and Im now growing like a plant at these locations with in society.
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This means I crossed from being Deranged back into some forms of sanity. This means Im stronger now; a bit stronger mentally; enough for my feet to hit the ground in a stability; some levels of stability.
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Its a start; its just enough grounding to stay present and take a few chances that will enhance my developmental interests…
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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Zero; I know nothing. Nothing; Nothing.
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The authentic me never got beyond a kid. And when I get in touch with myself; my innocent inner being; Im a kid. That child has had no relationships; Ive had liars and perpetrators try to get at me at that inner level; inner core; but they were unable to get at me.
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Actually in safe normal places; healthy situations; Never been in any so never had any relationships.
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I had thoughts of relationships; desires or dreamy interests of what it would be like when I grow up from child level; but it never happened.
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I tried once, I timidly actually approached someone; But; I got shot down before I ever started; devastated I turned and walked away never to return… So; This did not count as an authentic situation because no situation ever occurred; I as shot down long before I even really know their name…
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SO, Here I am now…
Maybe for the first time to authentic...

[ Continued ]

Saturday 25 February

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will not mine be done.
Amen.
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Doesn’t matter what I think.
Doesn’t matter how I feel.
It matters what I DO.
Don’t tell others in the 12 step fellowship what you think today.
Don’t tell others in the 12 step fellowship how you feel today.
Tell others in the 12 step fellowship what program work you’ve done today.

Remember everyday: Keep repeating “God’s will” OUT LOUD as much as you can. Even if you can only whisper or mouth it. Failing all that say it in your head but whatever the case constantly keep saying it!
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God, give me the power to quieten and calm my mind so that I can hear your will. Please direct my decision making at all times, because my previous game plan for living that I came up with myself has produced disastrous results in terms of my happiness and peace of mind. I want you to do my thinking for me, I do not want to analyse decisions in life anymore using my own intellect and thinking.

I offer my work and effort to carry out your directions but please allow my mind to hear your broadcasting beacon which I know is in my soul, which I will always be able to hear if I can only quieten the static and noise of my own ruminations.
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God, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

God, grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted.
Seek to understand, rather than to be understood.
Seek to love, rather than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
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God, please remove my resentments and direct my attention to what I might be without resentment
God, please remove my fears and direct my attention to what I might be without my fear.
God, please remove my guilt and direct my attention to what I might be without guilt.
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I know I haven’t updated this in a few days but I have been busy working a good program of recovery and staying sober! In the last 7 days I’ve attended 5 12 step meetings. My sponsor has me doing more tasks in the morning now so I’ve found it hard to update this but I will keep checking in on here when I can.

Best wishes
Jeff

a few weeks ago i told what i thought was a friend i had hiv. ive known him years but like all the others he has now distanced himself from me.he still talks but its not like before. now i cant treat anyone as a friend. i was co infected with hep c but took the treatment which unfortunately made me look very ill.i found out then how many people wernt the friends i thought they were. now i have no trust in people,i dont care if they are hurting they can enjoy some of their own medicine. i became a leaper to them,a lot of people with hep c describe it as modern day leprosy. it drives you into your own separate world where you end up distancing yourself from people.when you have no one who understands and to talk to your mind goes strange. i thought at times it doesnt matter what i do what can happen thats worse than this.throw me in prison in solitary. people go on about freedom buti have the freedom to do very little with no money and im in virtual solitary. people are now told how hiv is controllable,which it is,and you have a normal life expectancy which you should. what they dont tell you is how fatigued it can make you.how the meds can hit your stomach out of the blue. they dont tell you how hiv is known to leach through into the brain and cause dementia and other bad things. you have to constantly watch what other meds you take to stop interactions. any chronic illness is like this. some mornings you just dont want another day.i have to start looking for a job soon and i dread it. i can either lie and say nothing,hoping nothing ever gives away the game or tell the truth and wait for the nice refusal.if you lie then you end up living a lie and lieing can become the way of life.i can trip into another person,forget reality and the truth.i spent hlf my life doing it and not realizing i was doing it.

On of my absolute closest friend Passed away three days ago in a subway accident. She slipped and fell onto the tracks when she got of the trains. She fell between two wagons and is said to have died quickly. I have not been able to function since i got the news and i've been crying for hours each day. Life seems really pointless and I have a lot of anxiety because of this. I dont really know how to react, think or feel. I am just so confused and it feels like my world is upside down. She was only 16.

I dont really know what to ask, but i need help. Wether it is how to move on or how to react. What should i do?

One of the things I think when I see a psychopath teacher from the "first s--hole" high school I went to right on my way outta class.Part of me hopes that dips--- got fired for how he actually is a real estate agent.Otherwise how the f-- does he so openly walk around her with less shifty-ness?.Is it b/c the s--holw hardly produces anyone who goes to *mod edit*?.Is it nice to prance around a place where you see *mod edit*'s true diversity when you taught at a stupid HEAVILY Eurocentric (note:REAL 2nd gen European kids galore) where your suspicious and borderline supremacist attitude found f---n release in the nepotistic echelons?.How I imagine the tar beating I would give.Yes I know you have a daughter.God help her.

Trying to think here .There's still those surveys about the teachers in our courses to fill out.The week is almost done.I'm watching "Elf" (the walrus is crying and a narwhal is coming out) in a Native student lounge.I'm not as cheesed off for missing one fitness class but someone invited me to a board game called "croqonel"