Im beginning to awaken to the truth! When young, I felt that I was pulled out of my home; ripped out of my home; this is because when young; I was fooled into believing I had a home! I had my own thoughts about my young childhood! I thought I had a loving mother and father and brothers! I was like anyone else! I was not! I was around 2 psychopaths and 2 brothers that were complete strangers that cared nothing for me; nor knew me or wanted to know me or cared if I was born! They had their own troubles and were being slowly destroyed from the beginning! In the end, one brother would be a complete sadistic sociopath, the other a degenerate; he is something in between; half undeveloped socially dysfuntional or marginal and pathological; not a sociopath but not really human! He is someone destroyed by trauma but does not seem to know! he is undeveloped as a person and does not seem to know anything is wrong! his identity is not his own! Neither of these people are friends of mine!
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One horrible aspect of abuse; when you feel or think you had a life and someone took the remainder of your good life away from you! In reality, no one took anything good from me; I never had anything good! it was all denial and fantasy!
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For example; I felt I had a few normal or good years when very young; In reality, I did not! and in this fantasy, if I had been left alone, I would have survived to have a normal life! This is incorrect; this is the view of a 5 year old in a fantasy bond! In reality, and what is saving me, I was being exploited and fooled from the beginning by these socio path psychopaths! Their never was a day that was good; non of it, unless I was far away from this evil, from these monsters, these animals! It was stressful. ITs funny how children are and sad; they look up to the people in their homes when in reality, those people might be monsters; but the children are 2 young to understand these concepts!
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Never safe from the beginning! Now I realize, it was like being born in a prison, and I got the safe room in the back to live in! but Im still in the prison; I dont know any better, so I dont realize what Im living in is an unsafe prison with unsafe people! I know their unsafe, I dont know what it means!

And slowly from the beginning, things are going wrong and going wrong and going wrong! In fact, looking back, the whole experience is a contrived lie by the perpetrators involved! Im dragged through a game through all of my childhood, not just some of it! Im being ripped to pieces silently and destroyed! ripped to pierced psychologically and emotionally dismantled through silence and neglect and other things; later more real physical abuse! and I went through abuses between 0 to 5.
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I thought the contrast of when I was safe to when I was not safe was an indication of loss! I lost my childhood! I went from hope and safety to failure and unsafely, where I was thrown away to any and ever bully out their and to being raped and abused by those I later had to live with! In reality, I was never safe a day or moment in my life! This is the denial I was hiding from! The fact is; I was showing signs of being sexually abused! I was showing signs when in first grade and before! I was always being neglected and thrown away and abused! As I got older I began to wake up from the child level fantasy bond! and waking up, I woke up into adults talking about abandoning me openly! I was 7 years old! So, I was waking up into the stress of having nothing and no one; and things would get progressively worse! What others call a father, this person would abandon me when I was 9. In reality, he was never with me in the first place; it was my fantasy bond that pieced the few moments that appeared normal; I pieced them together trying to re created what I saw in childhood movies on television; I pieced this together to create a fantasy father and a fantasy life! In reality, this...

[ Continued ]

I don't want to hear your spiteful remarks.
I don't want to give in to your demands.
I don't want to.
I am unwilling.

I don't want to face the truth.
I don't want to deal with this.
I don't want to.
I am unwilling.

I don't care if you're right.
I don't care if its the only option.
I don't want to.
I am unwilling.

I don't have a choice.
I don't have my freedom anymore.
I don't want to...

It feels like I'm spending less time close to the Edge. At least I hope I am.

It is not a physical thing, but rather the boundary I have come to recognize, in my mind, my emotions. Its the line in the sand, the point of the hill where you can't climb back up from. And it isn't singular; there are several and each has it's own emotional and physical pains.

The edge I most frequently cross is that of Spiraling; another word I give special connotations to. Years before I knew the terms for any bipolar issues I knew this. When things are decent, my thoughts flow in a line I can follow and not fear, from one topic to the next. And I don't notice that my pattern of thoughts is slipping before it begins.

Frequently my inner monologue will be harshly self critical, overly focused on my mistakes and flaws. Spiraling is the name I give to the patter of thoughts and emotions that doesn't move past that. At these times I hate every aspect of 'me'.

The painful thoughts and feeling repeat themselves instead of being replaced with anything new. Where instead of moving forward, my mind loops back to the first depressive, self-hating moments. And each time the loop replays it gets more intense, harder to ignore, more hurtful. Each repeating loop gets ever faster and harder to break out of. Spiraling down.

This pattern leads the the next Edge. The emotional pain of spiraling down easily grows more intense. There are times when the hateful thoughts and painful memories crush me down for hours on end, draining away any energy I had before.

When the energy doesn't drain away is when I know I'm nearing that next Edge. The part where it gets physical. Where the frantic speed of these emotions and memories is matched by a frantic energy. This second edge is where I self-harm.

I hate how much part of me is drawn towards self-harming. I hate the scars.

As bad as the build up is from crossing the first Edge to the second, what's almost worse are the moments where an otherwise happy 'me' will slip straight toward self-harming again. It creeps up seemingly on its own, and is hard to suppress.

Then there is that third Edge, that of suicide ideations and behaviors. While this edge isn't one I usually get close to without noticing, it is by far the scariest. There have been many situations that where simply dangerous coincidences, some arising from being in a military environment. I am not ready to deal with these memories yet, I simply hope to not gain new ones.


That went on for quite longer than I had thought it would. While it will likely go unnoticed being placed here, I still wish to again express my gratitude to the people I have spoken with on this site, and to the other few people who have given their support. They have helped me hold back from the edge near countless times now, and in some cases have talked me down from my suicidal states. I owe them so much.

This includes my dr here, who happens to one of the handful of military people I can almost trust. I feel rather lucky to have the psychiatrist I do; he's always ready to answer any burning questions or frantic phone calls I have to throw at him.

The current meds seem to be the best so far. Have had some days where almost no thoughts of bipolar issues, self-harm, or suicide ideations have crossed my mind.

Maybe it's more than I deserve, but I hope to spend more time away from the Edge.

-faithless

Its starting again-shaking, paranoia, no sleep. Bloody nightmares and violent fantasies. Guilt. Exhaustion. Craving. Wanting to stop. Pulled in, gravity. Hide. Run. Sleep. Relent. Shame. Fear. Exhaustion. Release.

Hi My name is Ashley and I have what you call manic depression. I also lie a lot. There is a special man in my life, who has been there for me through everything and yet I lied to him about stupid stuff that made our relationship end I have also lied to his family and our friends and some of my family because I was trying to make everything perfect but I have realized that lying is not the way to do so. I know I have a problem and that I might need a little help but I also need some support and as of right now I am only getting support from the only man that I have ever loved and lied to at the same time. I am glad that he is here by my side and supporting me because it is just going to make it that much easier for me knowing that I have someone to turn to . I am seeking help and I do want to change not only to better myself but also be able to give the man of my dreams the relationship that he wants without the lying. I have not had this problem before it just started to occur when him and I got together because he was treating me better than any one ever has before! I believe that I lied because I wanted to make myself look better for him, because he was treating me the right way so I wanted to make myself look perfect for him, and as I got caught up in trying to be perfect for him I did not realize that what I was doing was creating a monster version of myself. I have hurt him more than I could ever imagine, and all he did was show me the love and attention that I wanted. He is still there for me when I need him and its like we are together, but he does not call me his girlfriend, and that is all I want is to be his again. I want to get the help that I need and forget how to lie.... I have been telling him the truth and it seems to be making everything better just like he said it would. He keeps telling me that everything will get better if I just tell him the truth and stay honest with him and this is what I have been doing and the outcome is starting to get better. He is showing me the love and attention that I need and want, and I now feel comfortable telling him nothing but the truth.... I now know that I can be honest with him and that he will love me for me and want to be around me for just being me... he says I am perfect the way I am. I feel good that I now have the power to be completely honest with him and the outcome will be way better than telling him a lie. I want him to have an honest relationship and he wants that with me. I DO NOT WANT TO LIE ANYMORE!!! all it does is cause more problems than it is worth.