"At whatever cost it might take, I won't do it again. It won't happen, I can assure you. I promise not to be naughty any more. From today onward I'll be good. I'm ashamed of what I was, but at the same time I am proud of what I might be in the future."

Tonight, I was writing in my journal. I've been feeling very down lately, and venting to the pages wasn't making me feel any better, so I found myself seeking out my razors for comfort. I haven't used them in over a month, so when I couldn't find my little wooden box, I assumed I had just forgotten which of my many hiding spots I had stuck it in.

But I checked every hiding spot. I checked in the back of every drawer and shelf, I looked behind every book and inside every shoebox. I tore apart everything, but I couldn't find it. And then I began to wonder if someone else had found it first.

My little wooden box of razors doesn't belong to me. It belongs to my mother. They're her X-Acto knives and blades set that I had found quite awhile ago in her abandoned arts and crafts closet. When I couldn't find the razors, I knew that was that was where I needed to check.

So I crept downstairs, my phone flashlight guiding my way through the dark. Slowly I opened the door to the craft closet, hoping not to make a noise but wincing when the hinges creaked loudly. When I opened my eyes again, my gaze immediately landed upon the familiar box, perched on a stack of totes in the back of the closet. I felt my stomach sink and my cheeks burn.

I don't know when my mom found it, or how she found it. But she never said a word to me when she did. She just took it from me. Did she think I would never notice? Maybe she hoped I wouldn't. That would mean I was done with them. But I'm not, and I feel ashamed and embarrassed and violated. She came into my space and she found something I had tried so hard to hide. What else did she find? Did she find the wall of death quotes pinned in the back of my closet behind my clothes? Did she find my journal, filled with my pathetic self-loathing ramblings?

She already knows about my self-harm and about my other struggles, but only on a surface level. I'm a very private person. I'm very internal. And it terrifies me to know that someone came into my dark little space that I fiercely protect, and found something so personal. And I'm so ###$ up right now wondering what else she saw.

I don't want to ask her what else she found. I want to know, but that would mean giving up my razors again. I'm trying to stop self harming, I really am. But right now I'm too weak to give up the blades. And I would feel pathetic admitting that to her. I don't know when I'll recover from self harm but I want to be the one that decides that, not her. So I'm not going to ask any questions and I'm going to hide my razors better this time.

i've decided to take my life into my own hands this year...i had recently gained over 100lbs in the course of 2 years... my goal is to loose 8.5 lbs a month in 2013... my goal is to get out of bed for at least 12 hours a day everyday but im going to start slow and say maybe start with half of that... i want to get a job and start saving money... paying off my credit cards... get a start on life... and maybe just maybe i will find someone to understand my past and share my life with i have big goals for myself this year... but i dont want to be unrealistic.... typing seems to be the best way i get my thoughts out even if it is being read its helping me face one of my greatest fears f being judged... i plan to be completely honest in this blog and it may bring up bad and old memories for some people i do apologize in advanced for that i can't afford counseling right now... so this is my next best thing blogging about my life and talking on the forums...

so with out further hesitation

today i slept till 4 pm woke up had a shower... baby sat for my roommates friends... made 20$ came home fell asleep on the couch with my dog Tobi... woke up it was passed midnight.. logged on here finnaly got words of encouragement towards my past... ate a bowl of no name corn flakes... went to bed

Today I talked to a few people about my tuition situation. Though there is no way to get the hold lifted until I pay, the man at res life told me he'd do what he could to make sure I got what I wanted. I kind of think he was flirting with me.

When he told me there was no way to lift the hold, I threatened to drop out and become a serial killer.

And then he asked if it'd been a hard semester and I had him in the palm of my hand.

I was in a really good mood today, but it's fizzled as I keep thinking of how Dylan hasn't reciprocated my interest. I called him today and he didn't answer. I went to his door twice. Both times, I swear I heard something stirring in there, but no one answered. It could have been something making background noise, because the sound was mostly the same both times.

But still, I fear he's avoiding me. I wish I could have a sit down with him and just get everything out on the table. He could tell me he wants nothing to do with me. I just want to know. And if he were to respectfully end whatever this is, I would respect his wish and let it rest. All I demand is respect.

The second time I went to his door, I heard the sound inside and I got really agitated at the thought of being ignored so I kicked the door as to scare whoever it was. I walked away like idgaf and no one answered which supports the thesis that no one was there.

I think this is an obsession. Obsessions aren't logical, they have no answers.

It just makes it worse that sometimes he's nice to me, even interested in what I have to say. He remembers when we exchanged numbers, he remembered that I was doing the dodgeball tournament. WHY CAN'T HE REMEMBER TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

I feel like a psycho, being obsessed with a person. I'm awful. I'm the worst kind of person; I can't take a hint! I hate people who can't take hints! Or maybe I'm taking hints that aren't there, which is comparatively better but still awful. I just wish a guy would pay attention to me. I'm so lonely! I regress sometimes, but thankfully it's never in the form of tantrums (unless I do it without realizing). I never threw tantrums as a child. Sometimes I regress, and I just lay on the floor in the fetal position.I was a very docile child.

But honestly I feel like I'm retarded or something for liking him so much even though he probably hates me. He and his roommates probably make fun of my voice or my face whenever I come to the door. He probably has me saved in his phone as #######1. He probably has tons of girls after him and he's boasting about how he's so great even a guy wants him. Well guess what, punk; it doesn't mean anything! I'm insane!

The RA's avoid me now, probably because his RA told them all that I was stalking him. I wasn't stalking him, I was looking for ways to get closer to him. I never followed him anywhere. I only took what I was given. But still, he's perfect and I'm the black sheep gay kid who's off his rocker, so I'm guilty.

I just think we could have such a good future together, and I don't have anyone to replace him with in my dreams. I don't know what to do. I wish I could commit a pseudo-attempt and have him save me. I wish he would visit me in the hospital. I wish I wasn't so detestable.

I distract myself from him by making myself look as good as I can. Today was warm so I wore shorts and they were pretty short and I felt like a socialite or something. I really am attractive. I just wish I gave off the inviting vibe that it seems everyone else does.

Basically a problem coming in from the universe sends everything backwards fast 20 years but all life that should be alive remembers going back too that point and themselves 20 years into the future.
The film follows many small stories across the world that happen as a result and people generally keeping the systems of man running.