Life statement;
I love knowing I don't have to hold anyone responsible for the way my life unfolds. “ from a well known success coach”.
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When I say this statement over n over; I begin to see the horror of my past; and where I dissociate; anywhere numerous years of my life; plenty of situations from my beginning in life up to age 18. And several things after; lots of bulling.
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My limited beliefs are based on the way people controlled me; if they physically controlled me and kept me in one space; I created a belief of resistance by freezing up in one space and not moving; thats how I hated; and getting back at them; not moving. I went through this all the time becoming completely freaked out; and much other things. I was appalled by all of this; especially when Im suppose to be living in a free country. But it was not free for me. I was destroyed here. no freedom for me. nothing.
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Anyway; when I attempt to move past those moments in the present; I get hit by ghosts in my nervous system; I relive all of it; their faces are in my body and my mind and head; completely taking me over; as if they came into my core area of self.
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So; I have my work cut out for me. The goal is to move into a freedom space of; I love knowing I don't have to hold anyone responsible for the way my life unfolds. “ from a well known success coach”.
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I love knowing my life is on my own concerning the movement forward and unfolding of my life. I know how to unfold it; Ive studied it for 5 1/2 years; so I know how. Im beginning the process of taking it more seriously; its not about knowledge; its about work; My work ethic concerning the process to unfold myself; it requires work; meditation and writing new stories of my life. So; I have allot of work to do. And I have to learn how to have a happy narrative regardless of what happens between what I want and when I get it. I cant give up; I dont get to use the old alibis to quit like before. Im into success so quitting is not an option.

Hi there, so basically i am a 23yr old female that has been struggling with Bi-polar disorder since I was 16. in the past 6 months I have developed Social Anxiety Disorder and OCD and am struggling to cope with my overwhelming inability to just do a daily task like going grocery shopping or even function in a work environment. I have read hundreds of blogs about people that have just recently been diagnosed and are on the same rough and frustrating journey i have been on for the past 7 years and have found it interesting to know how so many people are coping and what they think has been their triggers to their mood swings and hysteria.

I like to think of my mental health situation as kind of like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My good days are average but my 'bad' days can be hours of hysteria, unstoppable crying anxiety attacks aggression and irritability and its really hard for me at the moment because my current partner whom i have known for the entirety of my health issues doesn't seem to grasp how crippling and frustrating it is to feel resentment towards yourself because there's days that you cant even leave the house without suffering an anxiety attack or having everything done in a particular order and if its not then there is another anxiety attack.

He has recently returned from serving 6months over in Afghanistan with the Australian Army and it was painstakingly hard to have him not be here and not be able to communicate with him when i first started suffering from my anxiety attacks. its so difficult now because i just cant seem to get him to even slightly understand what things are like for me when i am having a 'bad' day. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor as well as being medicated with antipsychotics. My family have all been extremely supportive but i do feel like my partner just is missing the point when i try and let him in.
he just asks me if i've been taking my medication and goes about his day.

I myself have been on a cocktail of anti depressants, anti anxiety, anti psychotics and can now happily say that i am being treated with zyprexa (which is not without its side effects- headaches, irregular menstruation, weight gain, fatigue and dizziness). I find myself suffering tremors and uncontrollable shaking of my hands and i have noticed that i have also started to experience random muscle twitches and flinches if i dont stick to my regular time of taking my medication. But in saying that i have found that this is the only medication i have been on that helps me with all 3.

I wish it was easy. If only I could change the past stop myself from doing so much wrong or even stop my mom from meeting that man and his children... Or if I could just change places with someone, someone with a better life, not a poor suffering one that I had. If only I could what I would give for the chance to do that.

One of my on going and major goals is connection with my inner child of my childhood; the real childhood memories and feelings; the innocent ones.
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It seems the adults involved in my destruction; They knew what they were doing on all fronts to destroy a child's life.
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They were evil people; Some of them directly and purposefully set me up to be destroyed and planned on it.
Others had hatred in there hearts for me; but did not know enough about me; they never wanted me around in the first place.
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Either way; almost all remanence of my childhood was erased. As if I never happened...
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I had built a life for myself in my neighborhood. A full life of ideas and hope and friends; all gone.
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Everything was uprooted including the lies of the monsters I lived with.
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Its my goal and the goal of working with the universe to bring me back; bring back the boy in my boyhood; all the memories and who I really am. Remember who I am.
This is no easy task. Its one of the hardest things because of dissociation and the violent nature of being abducted from my own life and then my past erased completely as if I had never been born or had prior experiences. I had nothing to hang on to.
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So; the universe is being asked to bring me back to life. And with it; the moments of my childhood that matter.
ITs disgusting to have to remember being a child and also I'm going to be torn out of my own life at the same time or some time in the future against my will; no where to hide; nothing I can do about it; it was done on purpose.
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I'm working with the universe to have to remember certain things; time I spent with people I thought were my friends or over at friends houses; places I spent most of my childhood; but later these people will turn on me because they were never friends in the first place; nor were there families; I was the nicest of kids. It had nothing to do with my value; its about the evil sadistic spoiled attitudes of the people I was associating with; As a child I did not know; they acted normal. What I didnt know; they secretly hated me and resented me while ever being in there presence.
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Is it possible to fish through the inner slivers of important moments in my childhood that defined me; made me who I am; made me confident and happy and feel taken care of and loved by God and man; is it possible to come back to that part of me.
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Is it possible for me to roam those streets I grew up on and feel apart of them again and not another personality with the original personality buried or gone.
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ITs about personalities; the original personality that existed on those sidewalks and friends homes in that neighborhood was gone for ever; but maybe not; He seems to be coming back.
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I can feel the pressure with in me for him to surface; I can see him and me becoming one and walking down my sidewalks again of my neighborhood again and feeling part of it again and at its level again. As that's where I'm from.
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Can I be from my neighborhood again. Can I be me again from my neighborhood and start over; this time feeling safe in my neighborhood and adapting my original personality and Identity again; getting used to it and from that stand point; starting over; is that possible; Yes; I think so. But this will take much work for there is much grieving and pain and fear.
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However, I'm getting closer; I've been getting closer; but there is a dissociated component and I don't know what it is.
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A part of me is missing and I don't know what it is yet; it could be sexual abuse; and other trauma things that automatically dissociate me regardless.
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No other goal in life is more important then regaining ones life and identity from thieves who stole it and murdered me in the process; it is my life's goal to get it back; get me back in working condition; knowing who I am and where I came from.
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Ill never again allow anyone to get rid of me from my rightful place by character...

[ Continued ]

I never really understood why Kurt felt ashamed / embarrassed that his parents were splitting up. I understood that times were different back than and that people didn't really get divorces but I didn't understand it fully. Maybe that's the thing with bystander effect; you never really understand what they went through / go through or how they felt / feel until you experience it yourself. You can study something long enough, dedicate your entire life to one topic (eg. mental illness, LGBT etc.) but you will never truly understand it or understand how it feels until it happens to you.

Well, it happened.

And I understand now. I didn't know I would feel like this. I don't want to tell anyone about it. Kurt, I understand now. I understand why you felt ashamed. I feel it too.