Hey there, I have a serious problem. I’m an eighteen year old female and I feel sexually attracted to my 11 year old sister I think. When I honk of her body I don’t get turned on or anything, she’s just a child. But I suddenly have the urge to sniff her panties and cake several times from masturbating while kind of thinking of her. I have been diagnosed with hypochondria, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe now I’m worrying too much and thinking that I’m sexually attracted her even though I’m not. I never thought of touching her or doing ANYTHING sexual to her until yesterday when I masturbated. I’m shaking and scared, I don’t want that, what do I do?

So; it begins…
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Ive just recently made it through the beginning processes of the closure of some of the personalities of my past; personalities that held much importance and power within my life; almost God like status. Now I regret that I gave myself way in this nature; especially to the criminal in human people posing as human beings. I was suckered completely. I guess it happens… I was easily manipulated; I was completely clueless to the nature of evil that was surrounding me. I gave the other person the positive opportunity that they were a nice person and a decent one; What a mistake that was….
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This was a predator and criminal based person and populous.
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I had no idea I was so co-dependently trauma bonded to them; I would like to learn how to stand on my own 2 feet without this person anymore. Let them die away and I never remember them… My God take over my life. Amen.
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I guess I had to learn how to be passive or I would not be taken care of…
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Im now dealing with a dysfunction of co dependency and trauma bonding from several people from my past.
I realized tonight; Im free. I don’t answer to anyone… don’t have to… its very strange. I spent my whole life people pleasing and being co dependent so I wouldn't lose relationship; In the end; I never had the relationships I thought I had in the first place; it was a rude awakening to find out I meant nothing to a whole lot of people. And that I was being abused by them… an I wasnt wanted by them in the first place; they had wished I had never met them or ever shown up to their door steps…
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I gave allot of those people power over me and credit… and love. It was all a mistake; they were evil…
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Im learning to let them all go in a real world way; where I practice being myself again outside. Ive not had that kind of confidence for most of my life. I got my confidence and love from others or feeling like I was accepted by others; but they never accepted me; they tried to destroy me. I meant nothing to them accept as someone to walk over or run over and take advantage of; spit on and walk away from and dump for ever…
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So; For me to finally learn with Gods help to get out from under their influence is a marvelous thing. But I am scared to death Ill just go out and repeat this again and again. But I don’t think so…
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Im actually in the rehab process for my troubles. So; I think I will slowly slowly get better and learn to be independent out in life. I really think it can happen if I practice it; Ill pray about all of it.
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NEEDING SOMEONE TO HELP ME FUNCTION
So; Ive been so co dependent and trauma bonded; I needed to be with someone else in order to function because I could not function on my own; its as if I was brainwashed that I could not function and had to have the other person( wrong people; not the right people). This goes back to my childhood; being broken in childhood… The idea was; if I didn’t allow others to trauma bond me I would have been given away… and for a child; that is death…. In the end Ill be given away anyway…
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I learned that I had to have these other people in my life or Id die or could not function on my own. Im now questioning this. My work with God is opening up my abilities to question and try knew things on my own… Ive never been like this before; this far… not since childhood.
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THE BIGGER PLAN;
Ive been working with God on my future plans. My interest is in Activities and relationships. However, God told me. I must make it through; break through; work through one more past personality that had destroyed me. And it looks like Im doing just that; of course with Gods help. The more I bow down to God; the more God takes me seriously and the Universe and God help me… They continue to open me up and the universe to me on a daily basis.
I cannot have new relationships until I finish with some old ones and move on; God is showing how to do that.. and its working.. I don’t k...

[ Continued ]

So I've since met up with the new fellow twice. He told me he can be anxious and depressive, he called off us meeting again before sending another message to say I'd been on his mind and he still wants to hang out. So we did. He cooks me food. Then we'll watch something in his room but last time we had sex like immediately. Still only mouth stuff but today I'm going to sleep over his and we plan to try something else.

He's cute and cool. I'm restraining myself from being too gross-cute with him. I'm not having sex with anyone else. I really wanna get a photo of us both for Facebook. After my last boyfriend broke up with me I never changed my status back to single so I want to see if it messes with his head, me staying "in a relationship" and then already a new picture of me with someone, as if I could have always been with someone else. My last ex hasn't come back yet, which I thought he would, but oh well. I still feel only a detached affection toward him anyway.

Wish me luck with my sleepover!

Rightio, guys! Welcome to my world! It's great in here, albeit the landscapes may appear a little cerebral and neurotic sometimes. I lead the fine young life of an Irish student. Yes, student life is... well, chaotic. Effective organisation is always precluded by the necessities of student life (i.e. sleeping erratic hours, inconsistently meeting inconsistent deadlines, and an all-round simultaneous lack of planning and spontaneity). I am doing what I love (that's binge-reading on metaphysics and critical theory and writing highfalutin essays on it all), and even if it doesn't make me happy, that's okay, because I'm doing the right thing with my life right now. Clarity helps.

Happiness (whatever it is) is a thoroughly overused term these days. Why on earth should I be happy just because I have everything and my life is pretty darn good?! 'Erm... perhaps because you have everything and your life is pretty darn good...?' This is called circular reasoning, a logical fallacy. In fact, the entire pursuit of happiness in itself is both illogical and pointless. For a fact, nothing makes me happy. Ought I be stricken now by an avalanche of guilt? Not really. It's okay to feel whatever you feel and it is absolutely ridiculous to feel what someone else (or society, in fact) tells you to feel, because that's even more absurd that not feeling good, when life's good. In fact, the pursuit of happiness makes people depressed, because it's cheating logic and breaking down the faculties we rely on to make clear distinctions between things!

I like my life. I don't like my depression. I live life with depression. I do not live a depressed life. When I am really depressed I am not living my life, but this has nothing to do with my life and everything to do with my depression. It is important when I am very depressed to never wish my depression to end, because this would mean ending my life. And I like my life. It is much more likable than my depression. It only makes sense to say, then, that I like my life more than I can ever dislike my depression, because depression requires life in order to exist and wishing my life to end because it will end my depression is completely absurd, because it denies the origin of depression, which is not life, but absurdity. Yes, depression is absurd, but life is not and in order to affirm what is true and meaningful (i.e. the fact that depression is absurd) we must affirm life.

Of course, it may appear to be problematic when philosophers say that life is absurd and melancholia is a natural reaction to the absurdity of life. This may be true (and if it is it becomes difficult to distinguish depression from life), but even these philosophers find a way of affirming life, even if only in spite. For Camus, absurdity must be affirmed because our lucidity is the basis of all that we have. According to him, we must continue to push the boulder up the hill knowing it will fall back down, because acknowledging the pointlessness of this task liberates us to accept it. For Kierkegaard, it is defiance: rejection of help or escape which gives us strength to be our own and endure. For Nietzsche, life, suffering and all the tragedy in the world must be relished in order to rise above the adversity of slavery and become masters of ourselves through strength and creativity.

relationship of 1.5years ended... she didn't seem like she cared and i called her out leading to an argument. didn't speak to 9 days and she ignored me. messaged her yesterday saying "i know this is what you want. so we're over" and i'm meeting her tomorrow to discuss. considering how much i love her i'm quite calm but i've been mulling it over in my head for a while and i guess she has... i just knew it was happening soon and it boiled over. took me a lot to message her but i feel relief already.

every time i look at her photos i just cry. once again i'm the one getting my heart broken. you always think this one will be the one but they're always the same. doesn't matter how long you have been together "i will always love you" is a lie. and i won't believe it from anyone else again now.