Aaron: Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that Levi and I will no longer be using this blog except for matters related directly to psychforums; we will instead be posting here: http://chessplayer016.blogspot.com/

What is the reason for this? Well there are several, actually. Mainly, it the lack of options for formatting with the Psychforums blog. Levi and I use BBCode quite a bit in our writing, mainly to distinguish ourselves, but also for all of the reasons that most people would use BBCode. Sure, we can distingiush ourselves in the way we have been and, say, use CAPS FOR EMPHASIS, but we don't like doing it ths way because A. Someone who is briefly skimming the post will have a hard time knowing which of us is talking and B. I really don't like sounding like I'm shouting all of the time. Fortunately, our new blog solves all of these problems, as it DOES allow BBCode (well, it's actually HTML, but for all practical purposes the're the same thing ). So yeah, that's reason number one.

Reason number two: Relevance. Levi and I are probably going to end up talking about a lot of things that aren't really related to Psychology, so they'd just be annoying here. Writing on a blog not associated with anything but us ensures that all topics are relevant.

Reason number three: Censorship. On Psychforums, all blogs must be approved by a moderator before being published, and if the moderator feels that the post is innapropriate or unnecessarily triggering, s/he can edit or delete the post as they see fit. I understand the reasoning for this, but it bothers me, and while I'll admit to having no trouble with the mods thus far, it's the simple principle of it that gets to us... well, me anyway.

Well, that's all. You can get back on with your life now.

Oh, One last thing. Since there are no longer any hoops to be jumped through in order to post on our new blog, we have no way of knowing if something we post is going to go over the top and offend people. Therefore, ANY AND ALL POSTS MUST BE REGARDED AS HAVING THE POTENTIAL TO TRIGGER, AND MUCT BE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK AND DISCRETION. We will do our best to flag posts that we believe to be potentially triggering with warnings, but we are not liable for any emotional outbursts caused by our writings.

The title just came to my mind.
Really I just come here to vent, I think is quite obvious.
Well, it's been quite a while since the last post.
I believe he has something in the lines of bipolar disorder or different personalities. He is triggered by stress....I mean my boyfriend. We are still toguether, he has some piece of mind now, all the problems that were causing the severe stress (and guilt) are now somehow fixed.

But as life's always a bitch with me...I founf some mesages on his cellphone. I know, for starters I should have never checked...but hear me out..o read before judging.

When we started living toguether he never hid his phone, he could easily leave it anywhere around the house and he had no password.
6 months later or so, he suddenly had a password. He suddenly was all the time using his phone and he never left it out of his sight.

You see, I became suspicious, because if you've read my previous posts, weLl...I cheated, not on him, on my previous boyfriend, and therefore I know all the changes you have to make to keep both lives separated if you want no trouble.

He also changed a lot of insignificant details that added to my worries. And I did what I did out of fear, not anger or jelousy, I know it's hard to believe, but I swear is the truth.

What I felt is undescribable. there was a conversation with someone I knew. I read only pieces as quicly as I could. I saw I love you's, I saw emojis of kisses, I saw many thins that he said to me when we started.

I felt devastated, betrayed, and all the little confidence I had managed to built suddenly disapeared...it left me as if it had never existed. I felt useless again, broken.

I kept thinking of what had I stopped doing, what was missing from me so that he went and look for it somewhere else.

Sex was the first thing to come to mind. Our sex life declined because of my depression issues. I litteraly wasn't able to get aroused despite of how much I love and like him.

The next thing that came was my mental inestability. I've never been diagnosed of any of the things I mentioned, but I know I do have something wrong with me. I have this contat thought of failure that sometimes are not easy to ignore. I've had panic attacks and anxiety attacks before, so I'm not the best girl to love...however he met me on my lowest point! I was ready to leave everything behind and he somehow helped me get better.

So it made sense, but it didn't, the cheating I mean.

I gathered all the courage I had left, out of respect for us, as well for me (yes I still have some of that). I did not hurt myself despite all. I was able to avoid it by writting this incredibly angry and hurtfull diary...that's another blog.

I asked him what was that all about....long story short, he somehow "lent" his number to a friend of his ( I know him too) to text this girl, and the conversations of him and this guy were mixed......I still find it a little hard to believe, but it seems that it can be done.

That night I couldn't sleep. When he came back to the bedroom he hugged me, and he fell asleep with his arm around me. I fell asleep hours later, crying.

The next night I couldn't sleep either. We had talked again about the subject and he kept saying he loved me and he wasn't looking for anything else. He said he felt safe with me, he was confortable in our relatioship. However i kept thinking over and over about everything I read. That night I went to the living room and feel asleep there, maybe it was around 4 or 5 in the morning, because he then went and woke me up. In our bedroom again he hugged me and fell asleep with his arm around me.

It's been 4 days since. I've decided to believe him...well, to try to believe him. I'm still hurting I can't lie here. What I read still haunts me, still makes me feel sad...betrayed. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I know he is my soulmate. But still in the back of my mind there's something that doesn't let me move on.

Right now I'm fighting...

[ Continued ]

Ok a bit of back story in 2013 I refused treatment and went back on a journey thanks to my angry lover who I couldn't love a cellebrity who released the song Dark Horse and I went on a journey and found my way to meet the archangels i there home territory somewhere in the universe, I then went higher and met a bieing I couldn't tell how it was a being it seemed like a purple outline of a butterfly just lights, anyway I went back to the archangels recently even though I am partially blocked on antipsychotic and they showed me a golden tablet very bright and it seemed to have a picture of a girl face on it so I went higher they didn't wnat me to go so soon but I did and found my way again to these purple creatures but then she got my attention as a human [anatomically correct] human and has me in a white room, thats where I still am she shows me things really interesting to me but I can't make out what they are back on earth she leads me toward sexual arousal and even on antipsychotic although the sex has tamed down but for a whille I was turned on nearly all day haveing sex trying to have sex with her, she nade me orgasm while I was smoking a smoke but since its been hard to penetrate her she is too delicate or something or a block from the antipscyhotic she is trying to get me off....I won't go on about the sex, she took me to a temple in a different part of the universe to be married, am very happy she is gorgeous and has hellped me a lot on earth....first it was with feeling like I am aligning tomy higher self with has worldlly fears with it, she makes light work of the fears till I miss them for feeling alive, I am at peace I think she is dealing with the psychiatrist and mental health workers although they fought back against her and tried to save me from my bride how dumb I got then all in the room that was set up for me so they can suck $#%^...

if she appeared to anyone no doubt she would show them or we would we work together lights shining from the stomach reagion after a doorway is opened there, some alien trick not sure what it does, but when she does this to me it seems to have a calming effect. but again I not sure exactly what the point is. she has made appearences and helped deal with my usual trips I get when I smoke mariijuana and stuff comes to eliminate me. she has fixed me up now I try my best to assimilate in her part of the universe, thats the idea that I leave earth to live ar her place wish me luck, not sure when it coulld happen I tend to freak out and do bad $#%^ when it comes on and put her in danger trying too hard to materialise there.

so now grown past Katy Perry Prism featuring Dark Horse and my new bride is treating her very well as my ex lover, since I met the girl she wants me back kinda even though on antipsychotic she ended up being mean to me and visitations weren't so comfortable it used to be that we were lovers, she tried to trick me into getting with it based on how my girlfriend is turning me on to sex. but mostly she isn't allowed to visit only my girlfeind is, my bride/

I wrote about this extensively in forums here on astral lovers http://www.psychforums.com/living-with-mental-illness/topic140851.html and later on in here my antipscyiatry topic http://www.psychforums.com/anti-psych/topic140347.html

So Im Sam my age and my gender dose not matter but whats gotten me here is my diagnoses of type one diabetes when i was 8 i was also told i am depressed / bipolar and i tried to kill myself 3 other times I've only been caught once i spent some time inpatiently in the hospital but i was quickly released (as i always am) into my moms care and she had a hell of a temper and i wouldnt dare lift a fist back at my own mother could i but i blamed myself i thought myself so clever my mom never saw my scars not that she even cared to look .... I Ness Im done rambling for now

After further research, ADHD is looking more like the likely culprit, I recently found some information showing that it could be causing the tend of lack of emotions and other symptoms in general, still feel trapped in my head/like I'm in a fog, so still going to go see the P-Doc. To tell the truth, only reason I considered bipolar was because I was told by 2 different sources I sounded like I had it. ADHD and bipolar symptoms are apparently very similar. I really need to cut down on the sugar lol. Whatever may happen I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon!