I guess I'm just crazy.

Read through my blog. Do whatever you like with it.

I'm changing every second I write this stuff down.

I went to sleep this night thinking I could maybe get into a nice day and night rythm again. Here I am again awake. Awoken by this thought... wich already says enough... I can't sleep...

The thought was about what I really want. What do I really want?

I'm responsible for where I am.

The situation I am in. I got here. My genes have carried on. To become me.

There's so much useless philosophing I can do about it.

The point is I have learned to hide talents and other stuff for some greater good I have forgotten about.

Somehow I need to be smarter than this.

Often I feel a kind of jealousy or something when watching people online being succesfull with all kinds of things. I feel unrecognised. But I chose not to be recognised. Through all kinds of stuff I am responsible for my own situation. Concious and perhaps subconcious, I have chosen this.

Even this stupid blog that only depicts me as a crazy person.

Perhaps I need to celebrate that I'm alone. This is what I chose.

I'm very concious of myself. Somehow.

You know? All these people that I see on TV, don't they ever get into trouble because of that?

I'm not even jealous actually. I feel a kind of jealousy I said, but perhaps I'm wrong. I'm jealous of the fact that they're able to express it.

Seriously I have learned that I will get into trouble for that. I look at them and actually I only recognize a lot.

I could be jealous at Justin Bieber for example. But I'm affraid it will go downhill very quickly at some point with this guy. I'm not saying he will. I'm just affraid he will. On the other hand I'm not. On the other hand I'm affraid he won't go downhill. That's just the competative me. And I expect him to go downhill at some point.

But here I am. Perhaps I'm rich.

The point is I'm lost. Alone. I'm writing here but there's no real response. I don't know what I want.

The thought with wich I woke up and logged onto my pc with was "to write about what I want".

Then I began to shake actually. For a while. Out of nervousness. I began thinking about all kinds of stuff related to me. Why I am who I am. Why I'm having the feelings that I have. And then I began shaking as I said. Gosh, I don't even want to sound as a victim of anything. Because I don't want to be comforted.

You guys don't know much about me. Not that much. You probably do know a lot. But that depends on whether you've read everything I've written about or not. You probably haven't. So in that case I'm pretty safe anyway.

But my situation is pretty bad.

So I live in a building with more people. I have one small room. Today I sat in my doorway for like perhaps even the entire afternoon. Just sitting there. Doing nothing.

I think I came into touch with my autistic side shortly thereafter. Wich is good.

Sometimes I wonder what about things like what makes me eat, what makes me drink, what keeps me motivated for stuff like that?

I've still got my sunburn by the way. Wich reminds me of yesterday.

I'm hearing birds chirping. And I look at my clock and it says 05:24 (nighttime). After hearing the sound I thought "it must be late" and then I looked at the clock and saw that time and then I immediately got tired.

Well I'm getting this feeling as if during puberty the throttle was invented for me. And then I hit the brakes. And it's like my brakes have locked up. And they're still kind of locked up. If I let go of the brake pedal it keeps on braking.

The point is I don't want to impress people. I do want to actually. But I don't want the results. For me the results have been negative. Or well I perceive them as negative.

The point is somehow I feel like I'm threatened. If I don't think of my abuse as bad I'm in danger. Because then I'm crazy. This is tolerated. This is expected! It's not only tolerated. It's expected.

If I don't start behaving depressive I'm in life danger. The point is though that if people make me feel that depressive by threatening me with my life, at some point it doesn't work anymore. Because at some point I'll start becoming so depressive that I don't care about people threatening me with my life anymore.

I've not really been threatened with my life. But I know I am in danger if I don't do this correctly.

I know where the boundry is. I've tested it out. I know when something is expected from me.

But perhaps I'm already dead. I don't know. Quantum physics. The only scenario I'm witnessing is the scenario in wich I'm still alive I guess.

But that's not true. Because in the end I die anyway. So why would I be going in that direction then?

I'm trying to understand.

Perhaps I don't need to express myself. Perhaps there are more than enough people who know enough already. Perhaps there are no such people. There's no one that feels exactly the way I do.

I am constantly adjusting.

Language is an interesting phenomenon by the way. It's a very complicated set of rules I guess.

Your blogs always sound a lot like a written version of my thoughts...

Perhaps at some stage you will have enough courage to be able to share here a little bit about what you have gone through with the abuse? It might help you feel better to feel that you have been heard. It's obviously still effecting you a lot. Are you out of danger now from the people who abused you? Or are they still in your life?